Supplies for your emergency kit
sturdy boots
comfortable cross-training shoes
extra shoe laces
slip-resistant flip-flop sandals (such as pool shoes or boating sandals)
socks (many pairs)
underwear
thermal underwear
water resistant cold weather coat
water resistant wind breaker
oversized long sleeve shirt
t-shirt
tank-top
sweat shirt
jeans
sturdy belt
shorts
sweat pants
wide brim hat
sun glasses with SPF protection
cold weather knit hat
sturdy working gloves
waterproof gloves for cold weather
large bandanas (can be used as a headband, a face mask, a tourniquet, etc.)
laundry detergent
washtub
optional: washboard and hand-crank wringer (they may be old fashioned but they were invented because it's easier than washing without them)
sewing kit
optional: sewing machine (some are battery powered while others can be cranked by hand; useful for larger projects)
I go through these phases of wanting to be the best prepared for anything: Zombie Attack, Plague, WWZ, Etc - occasionaly posts like this help me to focus.
Ritual
Setup
Items needed for this Ostara ritual include: Four green altar candles for the directions; Two lavender or purple altar candles for the Goddess and God; At least one cut flower for each participant in the group ritual. For solo ritual, have a minimum of four flowers to mark the cardinal directions or more to mark your circle on the floor. (You can allow space between the flowers); Flower seeds—daisies, if possible, as this flower is associated with spring, light and the sun; A small flower pot or small paper cup filled with potting soil. You may want to decorate it with Pagan symbols such as a pentagram, spiral, or a circle with a dot in the center; One or two long scarves; Taped music or drumming with which to dance (optional).
Background
This ritual has been written for daytime to enjoy the warmth, light and greening earth. Ostara celebrates both the sun and the earth. It is a day to celebrate the balance of all things; female and male, the spiritual and the physical. The spiral you walked at Winter Solstice took you down inside yourself. Now is the time to follow that spiral of energy up into the light.
As Persephone re-emerges from the Underworld, animals return from their winter hibernation. One such creature is the snake, an ancient symbol of the Great Mother Goddess. Snakes dwell in both worlds: Ours and the Underworld. Because they live underground, they carry the power of Mother Earth. Into the time of ancient Greece the snake was a symbol of earthly powers especially for healing. Even today it is included in the symbol of the medical profession.
The Ritual
Lay the flowers on the floor as you cast your circle as you say:
Equal is the light and dark,
With these gifts my circle I mark.
As warm sunlight greens the earth,
The Maiden and Lord dance with mirth.
After calling each direction and deity light a candle on the altar:
Come ye spirits of the North, powers of Earth, hold me rooted by tree and flower. Bring the beauty of your lush green meadows. Be with me this day.
Come ye spirits of the East, powers of Air, sail on golden wings of dawn. Blow away the staleness of winter. Be with me this day.
Come ye spirits of the South, powers of Fire, bring the heat of noon to warm my days. Coax the seeds from the womb of the earth. Be with me this day.
Come ye spirits of the West, powers of Water, let my soul flow with the beauty of your tides. Bless the land with dew-filled mornings. Be with me this day.
Prince of Light, Lord of Spring, you wax to the fullness of youth and bless the world with your bright spirit. Join me in this sacred circle. Be with me this day.
Great Mother who gives the world form, as your web of life renews the earth, light that spark within me to awaken my soul. Join me in this sacred circle. Be with me this day.
Stand in front of the altar. Hold a few of the flower seeds in the palm of one hand, then cup your other hand over it. Close your eyes, and recall that at Winter Solstice you made a wish and set forth an intention for the New Year. Now is the time to start bringing them into the physical world.
Fix that wish or intention in your mind. Let the energy and vision flow from you into the seeds. Visualize your wish coming to fruition. Once you have clearly seen what you want to achieve or receive, place the seeds into the cup and cover them lightly with soil. After your ritual, put it in a place where you will see it frequently and be reminded of your intention.
Call forth the power of the snake to energize the seeds you have planted by dancing around your circle. Unfurl the scarves and shake them to create an undulating motion to simulate the movement of a snake. If you are using taped music or drumming, begin it now.
As you dance, call forth the power of the Mother Goddess with a chant:
Gaia rising, Gaia rising.
Mother of love, mother of life.
You may want to alternate this with the counter chant:
Gaia, Gaia, mother of all.
Gaia, Gaia, we heed your call.
When your energy has been released, bring your dancing and chanting (and taped music if used) to a close. Use your usual method for grounding.
Extinguish the altar candles in the reverse order that they were lit:
Great Mother, I ask that your blessings remain in my heart, and that I live in harmony with all that dwell on this earth. Thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Lord of the Spring and budding new life, I welcome the growth and beauty that you bestow upon the greening land. Thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the West, of Waters that nourish the land, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the South, of Fire that provides new beginnings, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the East, of Air and precious breath, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the North, of Earth that brings forth new life, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Raise your arms as you stand facing your altar, and say:
As all good things must sometimes end,
Go forth with the love the Goddess sends.
For if your heart is always true,
This circle will come back to you.
Items needed for this Ostara ritual include: Four green altar candles for the directions; Two lavender or purple altar candles for the Goddess and God; At least one cut flower for each participant in the group ritual. For solo ritual, have a minimum of four flowers to mark the cardinal directions or more to mark your circle on the floor. (You can allow space between the flowers); Flower seeds—daisies, if possible, as this flower is associated with spring, light and the sun; A small flower pot or small paper cup filled with potting soil. You may want to decorate it with Pagan symbols such as a pentagram, spiral, or a circle with a dot in the center; One or two long scarves; Taped music or drumming with which to dance (optional).
Background
This ritual has been written for daytime to enjoy the warmth, light and greening earth. Ostara celebrates both the sun and the earth. It is a day to celebrate the balance of all things; female and male, the spiritual and the physical. The spiral you walked at Winter Solstice took you down inside yourself. Now is the time to follow that spiral of energy up into the light.
As Persephone re-emerges from the Underworld, animals return from their winter hibernation. One such creature is the snake, an ancient symbol of the Great Mother Goddess. Snakes dwell in both worlds: Ours and the Underworld. Because they live underground, they carry the power of Mother Earth. Into the time of ancient Greece the snake was a symbol of earthly powers especially for healing. Even today it is included in the symbol of the medical profession.
The Ritual
Lay the flowers on the floor as you cast your circle as you say:
Equal is the light and dark,
With these gifts my circle I mark.
As warm sunlight greens the earth,
The Maiden and Lord dance with mirth.
After calling each direction and deity light a candle on the altar:
Come ye spirits of the North, powers of Earth, hold me rooted by tree and flower. Bring the beauty of your lush green meadows. Be with me this day.
Come ye spirits of the East, powers of Air, sail on golden wings of dawn. Blow away the staleness of winter. Be with me this day.
Come ye spirits of the South, powers of Fire, bring the heat of noon to warm my days. Coax the seeds from the womb of the earth. Be with me this day.
Come ye spirits of the West, powers of Water, let my soul flow with the beauty of your tides. Bless the land with dew-filled mornings. Be with me this day.
Prince of Light, Lord of Spring, you wax to the fullness of youth and bless the world with your bright spirit. Join me in this sacred circle. Be with me this day.
Great Mother who gives the world form, as your web of life renews the earth, light that spark within me to awaken my soul. Join me in this sacred circle. Be with me this day.
Stand in front of the altar. Hold a few of the flower seeds in the palm of one hand, then cup your other hand over it. Close your eyes, and recall that at Winter Solstice you made a wish and set forth an intention for the New Year. Now is the time to start bringing them into the physical world.
Fix that wish or intention in your mind. Let the energy and vision flow from you into the seeds. Visualize your wish coming to fruition. Once you have clearly seen what you want to achieve or receive, place the seeds into the cup and cover them lightly with soil. After your ritual, put it in a place where you will see it frequently and be reminded of your intention.
Call forth the power of the snake to energize the seeds you have planted by dancing around your circle. Unfurl the scarves and shake them to create an undulating motion to simulate the movement of a snake. If you are using taped music or drumming, begin it now.
As you dance, call forth the power of the Mother Goddess with a chant:
Gaia rising, Gaia rising.
Mother of love, mother of life.
You may want to alternate this with the counter chant:
Gaia, Gaia, mother of all.
Gaia, Gaia, we heed your call.
When your energy has been released, bring your dancing and chanting (and taped music if used) to a close. Use your usual method for grounding.
Extinguish the altar candles in the reverse order that they were lit:
Great Mother, I ask that your blessings remain in my heart, and that I live in harmony with all that dwell on this earth. Thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Lord of the Spring and budding new life, I welcome the growth and beauty that you bestow upon the greening land. Thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the West, of Waters that nourish the land, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the South, of Fire that provides new beginnings, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the East, of Air and precious breath, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Spirits of the North, of Earth that brings forth new life, thank you for your presence this day. Stay if you will; go if you must. I bid you farewell.
Raise your arms as you stand facing your altar, and say:
As all good things must sometimes end,
Go forth with the love the Goddess sends.
For if your heart is always true,
This circle will come back to you.
Games
"Bunny May I?"
The "Bunny" stands at one side of the room or playground area. (To make it extra fun, make a set of ears from the Ostra crafts section and have the "Bunny" wear them.)
The rest of the children line up at the opposite end of the room or playground.
The "Bunny" calls on each of the other children in turn, who then must ask if they can move by saying, "Bunny, may I move____ jumps, giant steps, hops, baby steps etc."***
The "Bunny" gives the other players permission to move by saying,"Yes, you may" or "No, you may not."
The object of the game is to cross the space to the "Bunny" and tap him/her on the shoulder. The first to touch him/her is the next "Bunny". Children can try to move up when the Bunny isn't looking at them, but if they are caught cheating, they must go back to the beginning.
***An alternative way to play is by having the "Bunny" tell the other players how many steps and what kind of steps to take e.g.:"Billy, you may take 3 hops" to which Billy replies, "Bunny, may I?"
Egg Race
This is another fun game for kids of all ages. Little kids will have a difficult time just learning how to lean over and push the egg. You can make it more difficult for older children by placing obstacles in their way.
Use real hard-boiled eggs or plastic eggs with something inside to give them a little weight (we use small plastic bags of bird seed so that if there are "accidents" no one would be hurt and it won't hurt the environment either.)
Children line up at one side of the room or playground
The object of the game is for the children to push the eggs across the finish line WITH THEIR NOSE. No hands allowed! (The hardest part of the race is usually stopping the gales of giggles long enough to actually finish the course.)
Should someone finish the course, the prize can be a special decorated egg or basket of eggs.
Ostara Egg Hunt
The "Bunny" stands at one side of the room or playground area. (To make it extra fun, make a set of ears from the Ostra crafts section and have the "Bunny" wear them.)
The rest of the children line up at the opposite end of the room or playground.
The "Bunny" calls on each of the other children in turn, who then must ask if they can move by saying, "Bunny, may I move____ jumps, giant steps, hops, baby steps etc."***
The "Bunny" gives the other players permission to move by saying,"Yes, you may" or "No, you may not."
The object of the game is to cross the space to the "Bunny" and tap him/her on the shoulder. The first to touch him/her is the next "Bunny". Children can try to move up when the Bunny isn't looking at them, but if they are caught cheating, they must go back to the beginning.
***An alternative way to play is by having the "Bunny" tell the other players how many steps and what kind of steps to take e.g.:"Billy, you may take 3 hops" to which Billy replies, "Bunny, may I?"
Egg Race
This is another fun game for kids of all ages. Little kids will have a difficult time just learning how to lean over and push the egg. You can make it more difficult for older children by placing obstacles in their way.
Use real hard-boiled eggs or plastic eggs with something inside to give them a little weight (we use small plastic bags of bird seed so that if there are "accidents" no one would be hurt and it won't hurt the environment either.)
Children line up at one side of the room or playground
The object of the game is for the children to push the eggs across the finish line WITH THEIR NOSE. No hands allowed! (The hardest part of the race is usually stopping the gales of giggles long enough to actually finish the course.)
Should someone finish the course, the prize can be a special decorated egg or basket of eggs.
Ostara Egg Hunt
Nine words women use ...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU !
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU !
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.
Scavenger Hunt
Gather a group of friends together to participate in this crazy girls night out scavenger hunt. Divide into teams. Each team will need a video camera and a good sense of humor.
To win, be the first team to complete all of the tasks and collect all of the items. If you choose to set a time limit, the winning team will be the one who accomplishes the most in the set time. Bonus: Have one member from each team wear a plain t-shirt. Give each team a couple of Sharpie markers (best markers for autographing on fabric) and the team that comes back with the most signatures on their teammate's t-shirt gets a 10 point bonus (or whatever amount you decide).
Poss Items List
-Get a price on belly button removal from a cosmetic surgeon.
-Have one team member get a non-permanent/henna tattoo and then ask a stranger to photograph it.
-Have 3 strangers tell you their best dumb blond joke.
-Get a stranger to let you bowl one ball for him/her during their on going game.
-Knock on a stranger's door and present them with a gag gift on behalf of the 'Fun Girls of the World Club'.
-Find a stranger to piggy back at least 3 of your team members across a street.
-Go to a professional cosmetician or have a team member create Angelina Jolie lips on one team member and then have that same team member ask three strangers who they think she looks like.
-Have a team member order a peanut butter and turkey sandwich and then eat at least one bite without letting on that there is anything unusual about it.
-Have a team member ask to use the men's room at a local club.
-Start a dance class in a parking lot and convince at least 3 strangers to join.
-Go through a drive through and order one handsome stranger with 2 friends on the side.
-Purchase an item of at least $3 (possibly the gag gift mentioned above) and pay the whole thing with pennies.
-6 different brands of beer caps
-5 signed business cards
-3 different matchbooks or lighters
-1 take-out menu
-1 bar coupon
-1 coaster with bar logo
-3 different napkins with bar logo
-1 cocktail umbrella
-3 different colored stir sticks
-1 shot glass with the bar logo
-1 liquor bottle label
-1 house drink recipe signed by the bartender
-1 embellished toothpick
-1 empty mini liquor bottle
-1 wine bottle cork
-The names and phone numbers of 6 hot single guys. They must write their name and number on the back of a business card that bears their name.
-6 separate photos of team members dancing with men of 6 different generations - someone in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, etc. (1 couple per picture).
-A photo of the whole team in a brand new sports car.
-A vinyl LP of the Beatles.
-Something naughty.
-A signed construction workers' hat.
-A really tacky pink souvenir.
-Video footage of a musician playing or singing a song just for one of your team members. Team member must be in the video.
-Something with feathers.
-A radio station playlist signed by the DJ.
-Photo of a stranger who looks like a “twin” of one the team members. Team member must be in photo too.
-Photo of a team member cuffed to a parking meter.
-The smallest bottle of wine you can find. Team with the smallest bottle gets the point.
-A bowling alley job application.
-Video footage of a team member approaching 3 separate male strangers and getting their response to "What is gynoplasty?" (The real answer is "the reparative or reconstructive surgery of the female reproductive organs.")
-Coins from 4 different countries.
-The nutritional value chart for McDonald's food.
-A 2005 Redbook magazine.
-An angel drawn on one of the team members using some kind of makeup or body paint.
-A blue rose.
-A clip-on belly button ring.
-A firefighter calendar signed by a real fireman (not necessarily in the photos).
-A menu from the Hard Rock Café.
-A casino token.
-A receipt for exactly $1.
-An origami boat folded by a stranger and signed.
-A funny friendship card.
-Photo of a team member doing something they've never done before.
-Poll 100 men on what most attracts them to a woman. Record your results.
-Photo of a team member standing back to back next to someone over 6 foot 5 inches tall.
After the hunt, meet at someone's home and have a good laugh watching the evening's video footage together.
To win, be the first team to complete all of the tasks and collect all of the items. If you choose to set a time limit, the winning team will be the one who accomplishes the most in the set time. Bonus: Have one member from each team wear a plain t-shirt. Give each team a couple of Sharpie markers (best markers for autographing on fabric) and the team that comes back with the most signatures on their teammate's t-shirt gets a 10 point bonus (or whatever amount you decide).
Poss Items List
-Get a price on belly button removal from a cosmetic surgeon.
-Have one team member get a non-permanent/henna tattoo and then ask a stranger to photograph it.
-Have 3 strangers tell you their best dumb blond joke.
-Get a stranger to let you bowl one ball for him/her during their on going game.
-Knock on a stranger's door and present them with a gag gift on behalf of the 'Fun Girls of the World Club'.
-Find a stranger to piggy back at least 3 of your team members across a street.
-Go to a professional cosmetician or have a team member create Angelina Jolie lips on one team member and then have that same team member ask three strangers who they think she looks like.
-Have a team member order a peanut butter and turkey sandwich and then eat at least one bite without letting on that there is anything unusual about it.
-Have a team member ask to use the men's room at a local club.
-Start a dance class in a parking lot and convince at least 3 strangers to join.
-Go through a drive through and order one handsome stranger with 2 friends on the side.
-Purchase an item of at least $3 (possibly the gag gift mentioned above) and pay the whole thing with pennies.
-6 different brands of beer caps
-5 signed business cards
-3 different matchbooks or lighters
-1 take-out menu
-1 bar coupon
-1 coaster with bar logo
-3 different napkins with bar logo
-1 cocktail umbrella
-3 different colored stir sticks
-1 shot glass with the bar logo
-1 liquor bottle label
-1 house drink recipe signed by the bartender
-1 embellished toothpick
-1 empty mini liquor bottle
-1 wine bottle cork
-The names and phone numbers of 6 hot single guys. They must write their name and number on the back of a business card that bears their name.
-6 separate photos of team members dancing with men of 6 different generations - someone in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, etc. (1 couple per picture).
-A photo of the whole team in a brand new sports car.
-A vinyl LP of the Beatles.
-Something naughty.
-A signed construction workers' hat.
-A really tacky pink souvenir.
-Video footage of a musician playing or singing a song just for one of your team members. Team member must be in the video.
-Something with feathers.
-A radio station playlist signed by the DJ.
-Photo of a stranger who looks like a “twin” of one the team members. Team member must be in photo too.
-Photo of a team member cuffed to a parking meter.
-The smallest bottle of wine you can find. Team with the smallest bottle gets the point.
-A bowling alley job application.
-Video footage of a team member approaching 3 separate male strangers and getting their response to "What is gynoplasty?" (The real answer is "the reparative or reconstructive surgery of the female reproductive organs.")
-Coins from 4 different countries.
-The nutritional value chart for McDonald's food.
-A 2005 Redbook magazine.
-An angel drawn on one of the team members using some kind of makeup or body paint.
-A blue rose.
-A clip-on belly button ring.
-A firefighter calendar signed by a real fireman (not necessarily in the photos).
-A menu from the Hard Rock Café.
-A casino token.
-A receipt for exactly $1.
-An origami boat folded by a stranger and signed.
-A funny friendship card.
-Photo of a team member doing something they've never done before.
-Poll 100 men on what most attracts them to a woman. Record your results.
-Photo of a team member standing back to back next to someone over 6 foot 5 inches tall.
After the hunt, meet at someone's home and have a good laugh watching the evening's video footage together.
Crazy Bowl Instructions
Scoring for crazy bowl is similar to traditional bowling, except where noted. Each frame presents a different challenge. Use the list below or make up your own. You may want to bring a pair of dice, a pair of mittens, and a blindfold with you.
Frame 1 - Have someone stand in front on you, legs spread. Roll the ball through their legs.
Frame 2 - Bowl with eyes closed or blindfolded.
Frame 3 - Bowl wearing fingerless mittens (not gloves, in other words). Oven witts would really up the challenge.
Frame 4 - If you're a righty, bowl with your left hand. If your a lefty, bowl with your right hand.
Frame 5 - Sit on the floor and bowl by pushing the ball forward with your feet.
Frame 6 - Roll a pair of dice. If you get that score on your first roll, it counts as a strike.
Frame 7 - Bowl in slow motion.
Frame 8 - Get someone else in the bowling alley, who is not with your group, to bowl one frame for you.
Frame 9 - Bowl backwards, either between your legs or in whatever other way you can manage.
Frame 10 - Spin in circles five times and then bowl immediately.
More Crazy Bowling Ideas
Bowl on one foot.
Predict the score of your first roll. If you get it, it counts as a strike.
Lay on your stomach and bowl.
Sit on someone's knee and bowl.
Have two people roll the ball at one time.
Have each person make up a challenge before starting the game.
Frame 1 - Have someone stand in front on you, legs spread. Roll the ball through their legs.
Frame 2 - Bowl with eyes closed or blindfolded.
Frame 3 - Bowl wearing fingerless mittens (not gloves, in other words). Oven witts would really up the challenge.
Frame 4 - If you're a righty, bowl with your left hand. If your a lefty, bowl with your right hand.
Frame 5 - Sit on the floor and bowl by pushing the ball forward with your feet.
Frame 6 - Roll a pair of dice. If you get that score on your first roll, it counts as a strike.
Frame 7 - Bowl in slow motion.
Frame 8 - Get someone else in the bowling alley, who is not with your group, to bowl one frame for you.
Frame 9 - Bowl backwards, either between your legs or in whatever other way you can manage.
Frame 10 - Spin in circles five times and then bowl immediately.
More Crazy Bowling Ideas
Bowl on one foot.
Predict the score of your first roll. If you get it, it counts as a strike.
Lay on your stomach and bowl.
Sit on someone's knee and bowl.
Have two people roll the ball at one time.
Have each person make up a challenge before starting the game.
Relaxing Tea
2 1/2 c. unfiltered apple juice
1/8 tsp. ground ginger
1/8 tsp. ground cloves
Thin apple slices
2 c. brewed double-strength chamomile tea
1/8 tsp. cinnamon
Heat all ingredients except apple slices to just under boil. Strain. Pour into mugs. Garnish with apple and serve. Also can be served cold over ice. 4 servings.
1/8 tsp. ground ginger
1/8 tsp. ground cloves
Thin apple slices
2 c. brewed double-strength chamomile tea
1/8 tsp. cinnamon
Heat all ingredients except apple slices to just under boil. Strain. Pour into mugs. Garnish with apple and serve. Also can be served cold over ice. 4 servings.
Stretching After A Workout
Upper Body
Chest:
****Stretch 1
Place the palm of your right hand against a wall with your right arm in line with the chest.
Keeping your palm against the wall, turn your torso to the left (away from your right arm) and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel a comfortable stretch in the chest and bicep.
Switch sides and repeat.
****Stretch 2
This stretch can be done standing or sitting.
Lace your fingers behind your back, so your palms are facing in toward your spine.
Raise your hands up toward the ceiling until you feel a stretching sensation in the front of your chest.
Don't arch your back, and keep your neck in a relaxed, neutral position.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Back:
Stand up straight and grasp a stationary bar or post, an arm's length away at chest level.
Bend forward at the waist, lean back away from the hands and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Be sure to keep your hands still.
You should feel the stretch along both sides of your body.
Back and Triceps:
Raise your right elbow into the air and bring your right wrist behind your head.
Grasp the right elbow with your left hand.
Gently pull the elbow towards your head, lean to the left and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel the stretch in the triceps and down the right side of the body.
Switch sides and repeat.
Triceps:
Place your left arm across your chest.
Place your right hand near the elbow of the left arm and gently hug it to your body.
Hold the stretch for 15 to 30 seconds.
Repeat on the other side.
Biceps:
Stand sideways next to a wall or stationary object.
Bring your right arm straight out and place your hand on the wall so your thumb is facing up toward the ceiling and your fingertips are pointing behind you.
Now turn your entire torso away from your arm.
You should feel a stretch in the biceps and front of the shoulder.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds and repeat on the other side.
Neck:
****Stretch 1
Sitting comfortably in a chair, lift your shoulders up toward your ears as high as you can.
Hold this position for 15 to 30 seconds, and then relax slowly.
Repeat twice more.
****Stretch 2
Inhale deeply and drop your chin toward your chest.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, then exhale and return to the starting position.
Repeat twice more.
****Stretch 3
Sit with your chin tucked in to your neck slightly and inhale deeply, turning your head to the left as far as it will comfortably go.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, exhale and return to the starting position.
Repeat the stretch to the right side, using the same breathing pattern.
Lower Body
Quadriceps (front of the thigh):
Lying sideways on the floor on your left side, put your legs in a straight line with your torso.
Bend both your knees so they are at a 90-degree angle.
Rest your head in your hand, or if it's more comfortable, lay it down on top of your outstretched arm on the floor.
Lift your right leg away from your left. Grab your right leg around your ankle and pull it gently behind you.
You should feel a strong stretch in the quads without opening up the joint too much. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Switch sides and repeat.
Hamstrings:
****Stretch 1
Place your right foot on a stair, bench or stationary bar with the heel up and the knee slightly bent.
With your heel elevated, lean forward toward the stair by bending at the waist.
Reach toward the elevated toes (you most likely won't be able to reach them), and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel a stretch in the back of the upper leg.
Switch sides and repeat.
****Stretch 2
Lie on your back with both legs bent at the knee and your feet flat on the floor away from your body.
Lift your right leg straight up from the hip (without locking your knee), until you feel a gentle stretch behind your right hamstring.
If you wish, you can clasp your hands behind your right leg on the thigh or lower leg to assist in the stretch.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, switch legs and repeat.
Calves Part One (lower leg):
Stand facing a wall, place the heel of your right foot on the ground with your toes on the wall and your left foot staggered a few feet behind.
Keep your left leg straight and lean the whole body forward for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel the stretch in the calf muscles of the left leg.
Switch sides and repeat.
Calves Part Two (lower leg):
This variation emphasizes the Achilles tendon.
Perform this stretch the same way as the last calf stretch, but instead of keeping the back leg straight, bend it slightly so there is about a 10-degree bend at the knee.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, then switch sides.
You should feel the stretch in your heel.
Calf-Achilles:
This stretch can be done with your hands on your hips, or pushing against a wall for support.
Stand comfortably with your feet a few inches apart.
Step with your right foot, so that your toes are slightly behind your left heel.
Bend both knees slightly, keeping your feet flat on the floor and your weight over your right foot.
Go down slowly, until you feel a stretch in your right Achilles tendon (running down the back of your calf and heel). Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Switch legs and repeat.
Adductors (inner thigh):
****Stretch 1
Stand with your legs at a wide stance, your knees slightly bent and your toes pointed outward.
Place both hands on the right thigh, lean to the right and straighten your left leg, bending your right knee to a 90-degree angle. Don't let your knee come out over your toes. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel the stretch in the inner thigh of the left leg.
Switch sides and repeat.
****Stretch 2
Lying on the floor on your back, open your legs as wide as possible into a "V" position.
Place both hands as far down on your outstretched legs as possible and apply slight pressure. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel a stretch on the inner thighs of both legs.
Core
Lower Back:
Lie on your back with both legs bent.
Bend your right leg, and clasp your hands behind your right thigh.
Gently pull your right knee toward your chest, and hold it for 15 to 30 seconds.
Repeat with your left leg, then with both legs together.
Hip Flexor:
Kneel down with your left knee resting on the floor.
Move your right leg forward so your right foot is flat on the ground and your right knee is directly over your right ankle.
Holding that position, gently lower your left hip toward the ground.
A slight downward movement should produce a stretching sensation in the front of your left hip and the quadriceps muscle of the left leg.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, switch legs and repeat.
Hyperextensions:
An exercise ball is needed to do this exercise.
Start by kneeling down with the ball in front of you.
Place your belly on the ball, bring your knees off the ground and keep them bent.
Stay on the balls of your feet.
Place your hands behind your head and keep your abdominal muscles tight towards your spine.
Raise your chest off of the ball while squeezing your back and exhaling. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Your eyes should be focused straight ahead so you keep your neck aligned with your body as you rise up.
Return to the starting position by bringing your chest back over the ball.
Chest, Lower and Upper Back Relaxation:
An exercise ball is needed to do this exercise.
Lean back on the ball, so your spine conforms comfortably to the curvature of the ball.
Let your head hang loosely and drop your arms to the sides without holding any tension in your hands and fingers. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Your body should feel like it is floating on top of the ball.
This is an easy relaxation stretch you will feel both across the top of your chest and in your lower and upper back.
Ball Bridge:
An exercise ball is needed to do this exercise.
Start by lying down on your back on the floor.
Place your calves on top of the ball and bend your knees slightly.
Your feet should be hip-width apart and your toes pointed up in the air.
Place your palms down on the floor for balance.
Keep the muscles in your abdomen tight.
Raise your hips off the ground and exhale. When you rise up, squeeze your buttocks and hold for 15 to 30 seconds, then lower back down.
Your body should be in a straight line at the end of the motion.
Chest:
****Stretch 1
Place the palm of your right hand against a wall with your right arm in line with the chest.
Keeping your palm against the wall, turn your torso to the left (away from your right arm) and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel a comfortable stretch in the chest and bicep.
Switch sides and repeat.
****Stretch 2
This stretch can be done standing or sitting.
Lace your fingers behind your back, so your palms are facing in toward your spine.
Raise your hands up toward the ceiling until you feel a stretching sensation in the front of your chest.
Don't arch your back, and keep your neck in a relaxed, neutral position.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Back:
Stand up straight and grasp a stationary bar or post, an arm's length away at chest level.
Bend forward at the waist, lean back away from the hands and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Be sure to keep your hands still.
You should feel the stretch along both sides of your body.
Back and Triceps:
Raise your right elbow into the air and bring your right wrist behind your head.
Grasp the right elbow with your left hand.
Gently pull the elbow towards your head, lean to the left and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel the stretch in the triceps and down the right side of the body.
Switch sides and repeat.
Triceps:
Place your left arm across your chest.
Place your right hand near the elbow of the left arm and gently hug it to your body.
Hold the stretch for 15 to 30 seconds.
Repeat on the other side.
Biceps:
Stand sideways next to a wall or stationary object.
Bring your right arm straight out and place your hand on the wall so your thumb is facing up toward the ceiling and your fingertips are pointing behind you.
Now turn your entire torso away from your arm.
You should feel a stretch in the biceps and front of the shoulder.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds and repeat on the other side.
Neck:
****Stretch 1
Sitting comfortably in a chair, lift your shoulders up toward your ears as high as you can.
Hold this position for 15 to 30 seconds, and then relax slowly.
Repeat twice more.
****Stretch 2
Inhale deeply and drop your chin toward your chest.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, then exhale and return to the starting position.
Repeat twice more.
****Stretch 3
Sit with your chin tucked in to your neck slightly and inhale deeply, turning your head to the left as far as it will comfortably go.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, exhale and return to the starting position.
Repeat the stretch to the right side, using the same breathing pattern.
Lower Body
Quadriceps (front of the thigh):
Lying sideways on the floor on your left side, put your legs in a straight line with your torso.
Bend both your knees so they are at a 90-degree angle.
Rest your head in your hand, or if it's more comfortable, lay it down on top of your outstretched arm on the floor.
Lift your right leg away from your left. Grab your right leg around your ankle and pull it gently behind you.
You should feel a strong stretch in the quads without opening up the joint too much. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Switch sides and repeat.
Hamstrings:
****Stretch 1
Place your right foot on a stair, bench or stationary bar with the heel up and the knee slightly bent.
With your heel elevated, lean forward toward the stair by bending at the waist.
Reach toward the elevated toes (you most likely won't be able to reach them), and hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel a stretch in the back of the upper leg.
Switch sides and repeat.
****Stretch 2
Lie on your back with both legs bent at the knee and your feet flat on the floor away from your body.
Lift your right leg straight up from the hip (without locking your knee), until you feel a gentle stretch behind your right hamstring.
If you wish, you can clasp your hands behind your right leg on the thigh or lower leg to assist in the stretch.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, switch legs and repeat.
Calves Part One (lower leg):
Stand facing a wall, place the heel of your right foot on the ground with your toes on the wall and your left foot staggered a few feet behind.
Keep your left leg straight and lean the whole body forward for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel the stretch in the calf muscles of the left leg.
Switch sides and repeat.
Calves Part Two (lower leg):
This variation emphasizes the Achilles tendon.
Perform this stretch the same way as the last calf stretch, but instead of keeping the back leg straight, bend it slightly so there is about a 10-degree bend at the knee.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, then switch sides.
You should feel the stretch in your heel.
Calf-Achilles:
This stretch can be done with your hands on your hips, or pushing against a wall for support.
Stand comfortably with your feet a few inches apart.
Step with your right foot, so that your toes are slightly behind your left heel.
Bend both knees slightly, keeping your feet flat on the floor and your weight over your right foot.
Go down slowly, until you feel a stretch in your right Achilles tendon (running down the back of your calf and heel). Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Switch legs and repeat.
Adductors (inner thigh):
****Stretch 1
Stand with your legs at a wide stance, your knees slightly bent and your toes pointed outward.
Place both hands on the right thigh, lean to the right and straighten your left leg, bending your right knee to a 90-degree angle. Don't let your knee come out over your toes. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel the stretch in the inner thigh of the left leg.
Switch sides and repeat.
****Stretch 2
Lying on the floor on your back, open your legs as wide as possible into a "V" position.
Place both hands as far down on your outstretched legs as possible and apply slight pressure. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
You should feel a stretch on the inner thighs of both legs.
Core
Lower Back:
Lie on your back with both legs bent.
Bend your right leg, and clasp your hands behind your right thigh.
Gently pull your right knee toward your chest, and hold it for 15 to 30 seconds.
Repeat with your left leg, then with both legs together.
Hip Flexor:
Kneel down with your left knee resting on the floor.
Move your right leg forward so your right foot is flat on the ground and your right knee is directly over your right ankle.
Holding that position, gently lower your left hip toward the ground.
A slight downward movement should produce a stretching sensation in the front of your left hip and the quadriceps muscle of the left leg.
Hold for 15 to 30 seconds, switch legs and repeat.
Hyperextensions:
An exercise ball is needed to do this exercise.
Start by kneeling down with the ball in front of you.
Place your belly on the ball, bring your knees off the ground and keep them bent.
Stay on the balls of your feet.
Place your hands behind your head and keep your abdominal muscles tight towards your spine.
Raise your chest off of the ball while squeezing your back and exhaling. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Your eyes should be focused straight ahead so you keep your neck aligned with your body as you rise up.
Return to the starting position by bringing your chest back over the ball.
Chest, Lower and Upper Back Relaxation:
An exercise ball is needed to do this exercise.
Lean back on the ball, so your spine conforms comfortably to the curvature of the ball.
Let your head hang loosely and drop your arms to the sides without holding any tension in your hands and fingers. Hold for 15 to 30 seconds.
Your body should feel like it is floating on top of the ball.
This is an easy relaxation stretch you will feel both across the top of your chest and in your lower and upper back.
Ball Bridge:
An exercise ball is needed to do this exercise.
Start by lying down on your back on the floor.
Place your calves on top of the ball and bend your knees slightly.
Your feet should be hip-width apart and your toes pointed up in the air.
Place your palms down on the floor for balance.
Keep the muscles in your abdomen tight.
Raise your hips off the ground and exhale. When you rise up, squeeze your buttocks and hold for 15 to 30 seconds, then lower back down.
Your body should be in a straight line at the end of the motion.
Blessing your morning coffee
In the morning, when you make your coffee, this is a great chant to chant while making it! What you'll need: a brown or white candle, ideally a coffee scented one, a coffee perculator, some coffee beans and a coffee grinder.
Light the candle. While grinding the coffee beans, chant this first verse:
"Yummy yummy coffee bean,
Fill my mug with hot caffeine.
Coffee, coffee, quickly send
Hazelnut, vanilla, chocolate blend."
If you don't have a grinder, just chant that verse over it. While putting the grinds in the machine, chant:
"Sun is rising, Great God Ra,
Your falcon wings bring me java.
Goddess Bast, your rattle shakes the grains
Of morning brew running through my veins."
While putting your sugar and cream in your favourite mug (while the coffee is brewing) chant:
"Bit of cream instead of milk,
Turns my coffee into silk.
Allow me a taste of sugar,
Without it my coffee is vulgar."
As you're mixing your coffee, chant:
"Rising sun's gift, all this caffeine,
Kitchen's percolator, supreme machine.
So Below, As Above,
This cup of coffee, I do love."
Now enjoy your perfect cup of coffee
Light the candle. While grinding the coffee beans, chant this first verse:
"Yummy yummy coffee bean,
Fill my mug with hot caffeine.
Coffee, coffee, quickly send
Hazelnut, vanilla, chocolate blend."
If you don't have a grinder, just chant that verse over it. While putting the grinds in the machine, chant:
"Sun is rising, Great God Ra,
Your falcon wings bring me java.
Goddess Bast, your rattle shakes the grains
Of morning brew running through my veins."
While putting your sugar and cream in your favourite mug (while the coffee is brewing) chant:
"Bit of cream instead of milk,
Turns my coffee into silk.
Allow me a taste of sugar,
Without it my coffee is vulgar."
As you're mixing your coffee, chant:
"Rising sun's gift, all this caffeine,
Kitchen's percolator, supreme machine.
So Below, As Above,
This cup of coffee, I do love."
Now enjoy your perfect cup of coffee
First Degree Initiation
People: Hierophant (H) (Initiator)
Candidiate (C)
Hierophant's Working Partner (P)
Summoner (S) (Hierophant does his part if S unavailable)
High Priestess (HPS) (actually, H or P, depending on gender)
Needs: blindfold
nine foot red cord
short white cord
oil
scourge
all ordinary esbat requirements
Preparation:
Candidate stands outside Circle to NE, blindfolded and bound
by members of the opposite gender.
Wrists are bound together in back by middle of a 9 foot red cord,
knotted in front at throat with ends hanging down front as cable-tow.
A short white cord is fastened to the right ankle with ends tucked in
so as not to trip C up, saying:
"Feet neither bound nor free."
HPS casts Circle. Opening ritual is followed to the end of the Drawing Down
of the Moon, but the Charge is not yet declaimed.
Summoner fetches Sword (or athame) from the altar, and opens a gate in NE.
S, H, and P face C and S issues the Challenge:
S: "O thou who standest on the threshold between the pleasant world of men
and the dread domains of the Lords of the Outer Spaces, hast thou the
courage to make the assay ?"
Placing point of blade against C's heart, S continues:
S: "For I say verily, it were better to rush on my blade and perish,
than make the attempt with fear in thy heart."
C: "I have two passwords. Perfect love and perfect trust."
S: "All who have such are doubly welcome."
H: "I give thee a third to pass thee through this dread door."
H grasps C above waist with H's left arm, kisses C on the lips,
and swings C into the Circle with H's body, from behind.
S (or P if no S) closes the gate.
H leads C to each Quarter in turn, saying:
H: "Take heed, ye lords of the East (South/West/North) that
N... is properly prepared to be initiated a priest[ess] and witch."
H leads C back to centre of Circle (via East)
while coven dances around, singing:
"Eko, eko Azrak, (etc.)...."
... over and over, meanwhile pushing C back and forth among them, until
H calls a halt.
Partner then rings bell three times as H turns C to stand before the altar,
with C's back to the altar (i.e. facing South if altar is in North).
H stands in centre of Circle, facing C (and altar). H says:
H: "In other religions, the postulant kneels, while the
priest towers above. But in the Art Magical we are
taught to be humble, and we kneel to welcome
her [/him] and we say: [kneels]
'Blessed be thy feet, which have brought thee in these ways;'
[kiss r. foot, then l. foot]
'Blessed be thy knees, that shall kneel at the sacred altar;'
[kiss r. knee, then l. knee]
'Blessed be thy womb[/phallus], without which we would not be;'
[kiss above pubes]
'Blessed be thy breasts [/breast], erected in beauty [/formed in
strength] ;' [kiss r. breast, then l. breast]
'Blessed be thy lips, that shall utter the sacred names.'"
[kiss on lips] [rises]
H: "Now we are going to take your measure."
H, aided by another witch of the same gender, stretches a button thread from
the ground by C's foot to crown of C's head and cuts it there with
athame or bolline.
Measure C once about the forehead with the cut thread and knot at the point of
overlap, again about the heart starting from the same end [knot], and lastly
about the hips across the genitals [knot]. The measure is wound and placed upon
the altar. H asks:
H: "Before thou art sworn, art thou ready to pass the ordeal and be
purified ?"
C: "I am."
H, aided by another witch of the same gender, helps C to kneel, head and
shoulders bowed forward. The loose ends of the short cord are unwound and C's
ankles bound securely. The cable tow is fastened to the altar. H fetches
scourge from altar as Partner rings bell three times, saying:
P: "Three."
H scourges C firmly, but tenderly, thrice.
P says (but doesn't ring bell):
P: "Seven ... Nine ... Twenty-one."
And each time H scourges C with the number of strokes P has named, and
all should be light, yet firm, save only the very last which may sting somewhat
as a reminder that H. has been deliberately restrained. Hierophant then says:
H: "Bravely thou hast passed the test. Art thou ready to swear that thou
wilt always be true to the Art ?"
C: "I am."
H: "Art thou ever ready to help, protect and defend thy brothers and
sisters of the Art, even though it should cost thee thy life. ?
C: "I am."
H: "Then say after me: I, N..., in the presence of the Mighty Ones, do of
my own free will and accord, most solemnly swear, without any
reservation in me whatever, that I will ever keep secret, and never
reveal, the secrets of the Art, except it be to a proper person,
properly prepared within a Circle such as I am now in. This I swear
by my hopes of a future life, mindful that my measure has been taken;
and may my weapons turn against me if I break this my solemn oath."
H and other witch of the same gender help C to feet. P fetches anointing oil
and chalice of wine. H moistens fingertip with oil saying:
H: "I hereby sign thee with the Triple Sign.
I consecrate thee with oil ..."
H touches moistened finger to just above pubes, right breast, left breast, and
above pubes again. H moistens fingertip with wine and anoints the same three
places, saying:
H: "I consecrate thee with wine ..."
H: "I consecrate thee with my lips ... [kiss as above]
Priest[ess] and witch."
C is now unbound and the blindfold removed by H and assistant of same gender.
New Initiate is welcomed by coven, then presented with the Working Tools.
As each tool is named, H takes it from the altar and passes it to the Initiate
with a kiss. As each tool is finished with, the assistant takes it from the
Initiate [kiss] and replaces it upon the altar. H says:
H: "Now I present to thee the Working Tools.
First, the Magic Sword.
With this, as with the athame, thou canst form all Magic Circles,
dominate, subdue and punish all renellious spirits and daemons,
and even pursuade angels and good spirits.
With this in thy hand, thou art ruler of the Circle.
Next I present the Athame. This is the true witch's weapon and has all
the powers of the Magic Sword.
Next I present the White-hilted knife. Its use is to form all
instruments used in the Art. It can only be used in a Magic Circle.
Next I present the Wand. Its use is to call up and control certain
angels and genii to whom it would not be meet to use the Magic Sword.
Next I present the Cup. This is the vessel of the Goddess, the Cauldron
of Cerridwen, the Holy Grail of Immortality. From this we drink in
comradeship, and in honour of the Goddess.
Next I present the Pantacle. This is for the purpose of calling up
appropriate spirits.
Next I present the Scourge. This is the sign of power and domination.
It is also used to cause purification and enlightenment. For it is
written: 'To learn you must suffer and be purified.' Art thou willing
to suffer to learn ?"
C: "I am."
H: "Next and lastly I present the Cords. They are of use to bind the
sigils of the Art; also the material basis; also they are necessary in
the Oath.
I now salute thee in the name of Aradia, newly made priest[ess]
and witch." [kiss]
H and P now face the new Initiate and deliver the Charge.
The Initiate may consecrate his athame here; he must consecrate it before
using it.
Cakes and Wine.
The Initiate is now presented to each Quarter in turn by the Hierophant,
saying:
H: "Hear ye Mighty Ones of the East [S./W./N.]; N... has been consecrated
priest[ess], witch and hidden child of the Goddess."
[to north declaim: "Hear ye Mighty Ones of the North; Boreas, thou
guardian of the Northern portals; thou powerful God, thou gentle
Goddess; N... .... (etc.)]
Close Circle.
A "graduation" party should follow.
Candidiate (C)
Hierophant's Working Partner (P)
Summoner (S) (Hierophant does his part if S unavailable)
High Priestess (HPS) (actually, H or P, depending on gender)
Needs: blindfold
nine foot red cord
short white cord
oil
scourge
all ordinary esbat requirements
Preparation:
Candidate stands outside Circle to NE, blindfolded and bound
by members of the opposite gender.
Wrists are bound together in back by middle of a 9 foot red cord,
knotted in front at throat with ends hanging down front as cable-tow.
A short white cord is fastened to the right ankle with ends tucked in
so as not to trip C up, saying:
"Feet neither bound nor free."
HPS casts Circle. Opening ritual is followed to the end of the Drawing Down
of the Moon, but the Charge is not yet declaimed.
Summoner fetches Sword (or athame) from the altar, and opens a gate in NE.
S, H, and P face C and S issues the Challenge:
S: "O thou who standest on the threshold between the pleasant world of men
and the dread domains of the Lords of the Outer Spaces, hast thou the
courage to make the assay ?"
Placing point of blade against C's heart, S continues:
S: "For I say verily, it were better to rush on my blade and perish,
than make the attempt with fear in thy heart."
C: "I have two passwords. Perfect love and perfect trust."
S: "All who have such are doubly welcome."
H: "I give thee a third to pass thee through this dread door."
H grasps C above waist with H's left arm, kisses C on the lips,
and swings C into the Circle with H's body, from behind.
S (or P if no S) closes the gate.
H leads C to each Quarter in turn, saying:
H: "Take heed, ye lords of the East (South/West/North) that
N... is properly prepared to be initiated a priest[ess] and witch."
H leads C back to centre of Circle (via East)
while coven dances around, singing:
"Eko, eko Azrak, (etc.)...."
... over and over, meanwhile pushing C back and forth among them, until
H calls a halt.
Partner then rings bell three times as H turns C to stand before the altar,
with C's back to the altar (i.e. facing South if altar is in North).
H stands in centre of Circle, facing C (and altar). H says:
H: "In other religions, the postulant kneels, while the
priest towers above. But in the Art Magical we are
taught to be humble, and we kneel to welcome
her [/him] and we say: [kneels]
'Blessed be thy feet, which have brought thee in these ways;'
[kiss r. foot, then l. foot]
'Blessed be thy knees, that shall kneel at the sacred altar;'
[kiss r. knee, then l. knee]
'Blessed be thy womb[/phallus], without which we would not be;'
[kiss above pubes]
'Blessed be thy breasts [/breast], erected in beauty [/formed in
strength] ;' [kiss r. breast, then l. breast]
'Blessed be thy lips, that shall utter the sacred names.'"
[kiss on lips] [rises]
H: "Now we are going to take your measure."
H, aided by another witch of the same gender, stretches a button thread from
the ground by C's foot to crown of C's head and cuts it there with
athame or bolline.
Measure C once about the forehead with the cut thread and knot at the point of
overlap, again about the heart starting from the same end [knot], and lastly
about the hips across the genitals [knot]. The measure is wound and placed upon
the altar. H asks:
H: "Before thou art sworn, art thou ready to pass the ordeal and be
purified ?"
C: "I am."
H, aided by another witch of the same gender, helps C to kneel, head and
shoulders bowed forward. The loose ends of the short cord are unwound and C's
ankles bound securely. The cable tow is fastened to the altar. H fetches
scourge from altar as Partner rings bell three times, saying:
P: "Three."
H scourges C firmly, but tenderly, thrice.
P says (but doesn't ring bell):
P: "Seven ... Nine ... Twenty-one."
And each time H scourges C with the number of strokes P has named, and
all should be light, yet firm, save only the very last which may sting somewhat
as a reminder that H. has been deliberately restrained. Hierophant then says:
H: "Bravely thou hast passed the test. Art thou ready to swear that thou
wilt always be true to the Art ?"
C: "I am."
H: "Art thou ever ready to help, protect and defend thy brothers and
sisters of the Art, even though it should cost thee thy life. ?
C: "I am."
H: "Then say after me: I, N..., in the presence of the Mighty Ones, do of
my own free will and accord, most solemnly swear, without any
reservation in me whatever, that I will ever keep secret, and never
reveal, the secrets of the Art, except it be to a proper person,
properly prepared within a Circle such as I am now in. This I swear
by my hopes of a future life, mindful that my measure has been taken;
and may my weapons turn against me if I break this my solemn oath."
H and other witch of the same gender help C to feet. P fetches anointing oil
and chalice of wine. H moistens fingertip with oil saying:
H: "I hereby sign thee with the Triple Sign.
I consecrate thee with oil ..."
H touches moistened finger to just above pubes, right breast, left breast, and
above pubes again. H moistens fingertip with wine and anoints the same three
places, saying:
H: "I consecrate thee with wine ..."
H: "I consecrate thee with my lips ... [kiss as above]
Priest[ess] and witch."
C is now unbound and the blindfold removed by H and assistant of same gender.
New Initiate is welcomed by coven, then presented with the Working Tools.
As each tool is named, H takes it from the altar and passes it to the Initiate
with a kiss. As each tool is finished with, the assistant takes it from the
Initiate [kiss] and replaces it upon the altar. H says:
H: "Now I present to thee the Working Tools.
First, the Magic Sword.
With this, as with the athame, thou canst form all Magic Circles,
dominate, subdue and punish all renellious spirits and daemons,
and even pursuade angels and good spirits.
With this in thy hand, thou art ruler of the Circle.
Next I present the Athame. This is the true witch's weapon and has all
the powers of the Magic Sword.
Next I present the White-hilted knife. Its use is to form all
instruments used in the Art. It can only be used in a Magic Circle.
Next I present the Wand. Its use is to call up and control certain
angels and genii to whom it would not be meet to use the Magic Sword.
Next I present the Cup. This is the vessel of the Goddess, the Cauldron
of Cerridwen, the Holy Grail of Immortality. From this we drink in
comradeship, and in honour of the Goddess.
Next I present the Pantacle. This is for the purpose of calling up
appropriate spirits.
Next I present the Scourge. This is the sign of power and domination.
It is also used to cause purification and enlightenment. For it is
written: 'To learn you must suffer and be purified.' Art thou willing
to suffer to learn ?"
C: "I am."
H: "Next and lastly I present the Cords. They are of use to bind the
sigils of the Art; also the material basis; also they are necessary in
the Oath.
I now salute thee in the name of Aradia, newly made priest[ess]
and witch." [kiss]
H and P now face the new Initiate and deliver the Charge.
The Initiate may consecrate his athame here; he must consecrate it before
using it.
Cakes and Wine.
The Initiate is now presented to each Quarter in turn by the Hierophant,
saying:
H: "Hear ye Mighty Ones of the East [S./W./N.]; N... has been consecrated
priest[ess], witch and hidden child of the Goddess."
[to north declaim: "Hear ye Mighty Ones of the North; Boreas, thou
guardian of the Northern portals; thou powerful God, thou gentle
Goddess; N... .... (etc.)]
Close Circle.
A "graduation" party should follow.
Handfasting
Handfasting Ritual
Preparation
Long ribbon or soft rope (~ 3 feet)
Vows to exchange (written by the couple)
Small gifts (or rings) to be exchanged by the couple.
5 rose candles (Quarter and god candle (god candle can be red))
1 white candle (Goddess candle)
Gifts from the coveners/guests for the couple.
Ritual
Cast the circle normally.
Invoke the Goddess and God normally, or as below.
HPriest: We call upon you in the guise of Eros,
Kindler of desire,
Bringer of love,
to join us here and witness the bonding
of and .
HPriestess: We call upon you in the guise of Aphrodite,
Always desirous one,
Sensual lover,
to join us here and witness the joining
of and .
Grounding meditation.
The HPriest and HPriestess motion the two people to be handfasted
to join them before the altar.
Couple faces the altar.
HPriest: (to one of the couple, the female if the couple are of
opposite gender) Do you join us here of your
own free will, to acknowledge before the Lord and
Lady the bond that is shared between yourself and
.
Person1: (responds (hopefully this will be a yes :) if not,
go to closing).
HPriestess asks the other the same thing and gets response.
Couple turn to face each other and join their left hands.
Each now recites the vows they have prepared.
HPriest: (taking the joined left hands, and the rope)
Here before witnesses, and have
sworn vows to each other. With this cord, I bind
them to the vows that they each have made. (wrap
the cord loosely around both arms) However this
binding is not tied, so that neither is restricted by
the other, and the binding is only enforced by both
their wills.
Couple: (turning to face each other, in unison)
Heart to thee,
Soul to thee,
Body to thee,
Forever and always,
So mote it be.
Coven: So mote it be.
Couple unbind thier left arms.
Couple exchange the gifts they have brought for each other.
Coven members and guests give couple good wishes and/or gifts.
Great rite and Cakes and Ale.
Bid farewell to God and Goddess as usual, or as below.
HPriestess: We thank you Aphrodite, for your presence among us,
And as you take your leave, we ask that you leave
among us, in each of us, the ability to each be
Sensual lover, and desirous one.
Hail and farewell.
HPriest: We thank you Eros, for your presence here this day,
And ask, as you take your leave, that you leave in
each of us, the ability to be
a Bringer of desire, and kindler of love.
Hail and farewell.
Dismiss the Quarters, and open the circle.
Relax, talk, and party :)
Preparation
Long ribbon or soft rope (~ 3 feet)
Vows to exchange (written by the couple)
Small gifts (or rings) to be exchanged by the couple.
5 rose candles (Quarter and god candle (god candle can be red))
1 white candle (Goddess candle)
Gifts from the coveners/guests for the couple.
Ritual
Cast the circle normally.
Invoke the Goddess and God normally, or as below.
HPriest: We call upon you in the guise of Eros,
Kindler of desire,
Bringer of love,
to join us here and witness the bonding
of and .
HPriestess: We call upon you in the guise of Aphrodite,
Always desirous one,
Sensual lover,
to join us here and witness the joining
of and .
Grounding meditation.
The HPriest and HPriestess motion the two people to be handfasted
to join them before the altar.
Couple faces the altar.
HPriest: (to one of the couple, the female if the couple are of
opposite gender) Do you join us here of your
own free will, to acknowledge before the Lord and
Lady the bond that is shared between yourself and
.
Person1: (responds (hopefully this will be a yes :) if not,
go to closing).
HPriestess asks the other the same thing and gets response.
Couple turn to face each other and join their left hands.
Each now recites the vows they have prepared.
HPriest: (taking the joined left hands, and the rope)
Here before witnesses, and have
sworn vows to each other. With this cord, I bind
them to the vows that they each have made. (wrap
the cord loosely around both arms) However this
binding is not tied, so that neither is restricted by
the other, and the binding is only enforced by both
their wills.
Couple: (turning to face each other, in unison)
Heart to thee,
Soul to thee,
Body to thee,
Forever and always,
So mote it be.
Coven: So mote it be.
Couple unbind thier left arms.
Couple exchange the gifts they have brought for each other.
Coven members and guests give couple good wishes and/or gifts.
Great rite and Cakes and Ale.
Bid farewell to God and Goddess as usual, or as below.
HPriestess: We thank you Aphrodite, for your presence among us,
And as you take your leave, we ask that you leave
among us, in each of us, the ability to each be
Sensual lover, and desirous one.
Hail and farewell.
HPriest: We thank you Eros, for your presence here this day,
And ask, as you take your leave, that you leave in
each of us, the ability to be
a Bringer of desire, and kindler of love.
Hail and farewell.
Dismiss the Quarters, and open the circle.
Relax, talk, and party :)
Flat Tire
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle, facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle, facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
National Mental Health Care week
Hello and thank you for calling
The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after
the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll
just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after
the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll
just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
Horror Movie Rules to Follow
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster or murderer, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Crystal Lake, Salem, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple uns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Crystal Lake, Salem, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple uns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
Subject: Lawyers
I just got this in an email and was rolling with laughter - I will be buying this book!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard..
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard..
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Make Up Tips
Most women know how to apply makeup for everyday use but there are a few differences in applying makeup for photos; especially glamour. If you follow the tips below, you will be on your way to better pictures.
The key is to simply fix your face as if you were going out for the evening, wearing more than for daytime use, extra contrast and especially more powder. Did I mention More Powder?
To achieve that natural look in your portrait, apply a little more than you would in your daily activities and even more than you would if you were going out for the evening. You will probably think you that you are wearing too much but remember that the lights take away from whatever amount of makeup you have on so don't worry. How do you achieve this look? Follow the simple steps listed here and, with a little practice, you should be able to get the results you're after.
The first step is to moisturize your face thoroughly and then begin with concealer. The concealer you use for photos should be 2 or 3 shades lighter than your skin tone. Concealer is used to hide blemishes, lighten your eyes and used if there is any discoloration around the lip area.
Next, use a solid foundation evenly applied over the face. This part is very simple but is misunderstood by even some makeup artists. Match the foundation to your chin and neckline. You don't want a sudden change of color from your face to the neck or upper chest. I've heard of some makeup artists applying makeup to the neck and shoulders! There is no need to do this if you follow the rule of matching from the face to the neck.
After your foundation is finished, just apply the rest of your makeup as you normally do but in heavier amounts for the camera.
Powder! Powder! Powder! Be sure not to forget the powder! If you've ever seen makeup applied for TV or the movies, the makeup artist is almost always patting the face with the powder applicator. Ever wonder why? Because powder, and lots of it, is absolutely essential to gaining that beautiful mat finish which is always present in a great romantic portrait. Even if you've never used powder in your life, please use it for just this once during your boudoir portrait session. Powder makes the difference between a beautiful intimate portrait and just a portrait.
Now that I've driven home the importance of powder, apply makeup below your cheekbone and under chin to create an oval look to the face. Be sure to blend in and not create distinct lines. Apply this makeup a little darker but not too heavy.
Choosing your lip color and application: Make sure that your lip gloss is a solid color and about one shade deeper than you normally wear it. Use a lip liner that is the same color as your lipstick, please, please DO NOT WEAR BLACK Lip Liner! Also, try to avoid frosted lip colors entirely because they hardly show up on film and will give the illusion that you are not wearing lip color at all.
Apply your blush and eye makup a little heavier than normal but neatly and precisely.
For best results, eye liner should be applied starting from the outside of the lower part of the eye and extending about 3/4 length toward the inner part. Really work on those eyes and lips. These are the two key features in glamour photography.
Use eye shadow which is a lighter shade rather than darker so that the eyes appear more alive. Apply eye shadow to the upper eye lid and above the eye just below the eyebrow. When a darker shade is used in this area it will create a darkening of the eyes and give the appearance of a sleepless night which is not very appealing. Using a light shadow will produce the best results.
Last, but not least, take your makeup case with you to your photo session. You may need to touch up during the boudoir session and will most likely need to add powder as your session advances.
If you follow these simple steps for applying makeup you are more likely to be happy with your boudoir photographs. Most makeup complaints come when women have someone else apply their makeup for them. You are more experienced in applying your own makeup and, if you follow these instructions, you should be more than happy with your results.
To make your photo session go smoother and faster, please apply your makeup before leaving home for your boudoir photography session.
The key is to simply fix your face as if you were going out for the evening, wearing more than for daytime use, extra contrast and especially more powder. Did I mention More Powder?
To achieve that natural look in your portrait, apply a little more than you would in your daily activities and even more than you would if you were going out for the evening. You will probably think you that you are wearing too much but remember that the lights take away from whatever amount of makeup you have on so don't worry. How do you achieve this look? Follow the simple steps listed here and, with a little practice, you should be able to get the results you're after.
The first step is to moisturize your face thoroughly and then begin with concealer. The concealer you use for photos should be 2 or 3 shades lighter than your skin tone. Concealer is used to hide blemishes, lighten your eyes and used if there is any discoloration around the lip area.
Next, use a solid foundation evenly applied over the face. This part is very simple but is misunderstood by even some makeup artists. Match the foundation to your chin and neckline. You don't want a sudden change of color from your face to the neck or upper chest. I've heard of some makeup artists applying makeup to the neck and shoulders! There is no need to do this if you follow the rule of matching from the face to the neck.
After your foundation is finished, just apply the rest of your makeup as you normally do but in heavier amounts for the camera.
Powder! Powder! Powder! Be sure not to forget the powder! If you've ever seen makeup applied for TV or the movies, the makeup artist is almost always patting the face with the powder applicator. Ever wonder why? Because powder, and lots of it, is absolutely essential to gaining that beautiful mat finish which is always present in a great romantic portrait. Even if you've never used powder in your life, please use it for just this once during your boudoir portrait session. Powder makes the difference between a beautiful intimate portrait and just a portrait.
Now that I've driven home the importance of powder, apply makeup below your cheekbone and under chin to create an oval look to the face. Be sure to blend in and not create distinct lines. Apply this makeup a little darker but not too heavy.
Choosing your lip color and application: Make sure that your lip gloss is a solid color and about one shade deeper than you normally wear it. Use a lip liner that is the same color as your lipstick, please, please DO NOT WEAR BLACK Lip Liner! Also, try to avoid frosted lip colors entirely because they hardly show up on film and will give the illusion that you are not wearing lip color at all.
Apply your blush and eye makup a little heavier than normal but neatly and precisely.
For best results, eye liner should be applied starting from the outside of the lower part of the eye and extending about 3/4 length toward the inner part. Really work on those eyes and lips. These are the two key features in glamour photography.
Use eye shadow which is a lighter shade rather than darker so that the eyes appear more alive. Apply eye shadow to the upper eye lid and above the eye just below the eyebrow. When a darker shade is used in this area it will create a darkening of the eyes and give the appearance of a sleepless night which is not very appealing. Using a light shadow will produce the best results.
Last, but not least, take your makeup case with you to your photo session. You may need to touch up during the boudoir session and will most likely need to add powder as your session advances.
If you follow these simple steps for applying makeup you are more likely to be happy with your boudoir photographs. Most makeup complaints come when women have someone else apply their makeup for them. You are more experienced in applying your own makeup and, if you follow these instructions, you should be more than happy with your results.
To make your photo session go smoother and faster, please apply your makeup before leaving home for your boudoir photography session.
Dress up for Grown Ups
Here are Some Fun & Exciting Ideas for your Boudoir or Soft Touch Romantic Portraits...
Most people think that romantic portraits have to be done in lingerie or other "bedroom attire," or involve nudity. Nothing could be further from the truth.
This type of session may and should include a wide variety of clothing.
Although you may choose anything you want in your session from a simple evening dress to tasteful nudes, you are never asked to pose in outfits or positions that make you feel in any way uncomfortable. You are always in control of your romantic session and always portrayed as a lady!!
The following is a list of typical clothing choices that will hopefully expand your list of things to bring. A nice assortment of simple jewelry will give you some other options during your romantic session.
The Romantic & Boudoir Photography Session List ...
How about that dress he gave you that you can’t wear anywhere —
Or what you wear around the house but wouldn’t want to wear to the store?
This boudoir idea list could be endless. Use your imagination and be creative! Think about your boudoir photo session from his perspective as you make your decisions.
After all this is a romantic gift for him, so imagine what sexy outfits he would prefer as you go through the closet.
This could be the most important photography session of your life so plan it well and prepare to have a fun time.
Most people think that romantic portraits have to be done in lingerie or other "bedroom attire," or involve nudity. Nothing could be further from the truth.
This type of session may and should include a wide variety of clothing.
Although you may choose anything you want in your session from a simple evening dress to tasteful nudes, you are never asked to pose in outfits or positions that make you feel in any way uncomfortable. You are always in control of your romantic session and always portrayed as a lady!!
The following is a list of typical clothing choices that will hopefully expand your list of things to bring. A nice assortment of simple jewelry will give you some other options during your romantic session.
The Romantic & Boudoir Photography Session List ...
- A beautiful evening dress
- His uniform
- A vest
- Biker shorts
- Wild jewelry
- Anything that he gave you
- Something borrowed
- His favorite ball team sweatshirt or jersey
- The tools of your trade
- A romantic symbol (wine glass, flowers, etc.)
- That special Halloween costume
- A workout outfit with dumbbells
- Western hat and boots
- A sparkly sweater or blouse
- A body stocking
- Tee shirts with rips or holes
- Colorful panties and bra
- His overalls
- Silk boxer shorts
- His golf clubs
- Anything thin or transparent
- Flower petals
- An off the shoulder top
- Leather anything
- Sun glasses
- Scarfs
- Lingerie
- skimpy g string bikinis
- micro bikini
- Your bridal gown or veil (especially for new brides)
- High heels
- A leather jacket
- Cutoffs that are too short
- Jockey underwear for ladies
- A bath towel (with wet hair)
- Anything fishnet
- A vest, visor and playing cards
- Your favorite teddy bear
- A fur coat
- A mini skirt
- His favorite old shirt
- Tank shirts that are too tight
- Tank shirts that are too short
- Hats and gloves
- Stockings (various)
- Tight shorts
- A bath robe
- The honeymoon outfit
- His work belt with tools
- His hard hat
- His hunting jacket
- Something funny
- Thongs or tee backs
- Any props from home
- Thigh high stockings with or without garters
- The tools of his trade
- Anything tight
- Artistic nude (very subtle)
- Tasteful nudes (Playboy style, etc.)
How about that dress he gave you that you can’t wear anywhere —
Or what you wear around the house but wouldn’t want to wear to the store?
This boudoir idea list could be endless. Use your imagination and be creative! Think about your boudoir photo session from his perspective as you make your decisions.
After all this is a romantic gift for him, so imagine what sexy outfits he would prefer as you go through the closet.
This could be the most important photography session of your life so plan it well and prepare to have a fun time.
I can't wait
Do to the stupidity of my immediate supervisors - I have been truly tempted in the past week to quit - so far I have held on due to the fact that I LOVE my job - even the crank callers. But I am not sure how much longer I can hold out.
But while poking around on the internet today - I found some truly wonderful examples of resignation letters.
Number 1
Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Yours,
Number 2
Dear G,
After today's team building meeting, I find myself unable to take this company seriously any longer. I'm afraid I can't take being strategised, reorganised, empowered or re-engineered any more.
The fact there are now more 19 year old consultants in new suits running around with questionnaires than there are staff in our rapidly shrinking department, might be considered by some to be a bad sign. But not by our clueless management, whose inane directives and a seemingly limitless ability to patronise, demotivated and pass the buck, has made the department what it is today. Will you please stop trying to manage from the colour supplements of the Sunday papers? Each Monday I've dreaded another 'fad' directive/ strategy/ initiative from on high. You scatter your conflicting ideas throughout the organisation like the seeds of a mad gardener. Hoping vainly that some of them will sprout, miraculously save the company and with it your miserable hides.
Maybe I'm just not a "team player", but I feel it's time to "self-outsource" to another organisation.
Yours in exasperation,
P.S. Sorry I didn't address this letter correctly, but I didn't receive the organisational chart for this week.
Number 3
Dear BM
Per our employee handbook, I am giving two weeks notice of my resignation. You will probably notice that I am not the first person to jump off this ship before it sinks. Perhaps my leaving will save the company enough money to purchase new mixers and replace the ones which were purchased when the company was started in the late 40s.
But, I know that you won't approve of that sort of expenditure, not with your overarching effort to reduce costs. Miraculously, you haven't had any layoffs in a couple of years, but that is probably because you are running on the bare minimum of staff anyway, and have made such haphazard attempts at upgrading computer and manufacturing equipment that no one in the office has the same version of MS Word and the mixers are probably held together with duct tape and spit wads, which I'm sure would interest the FDA. As would the mould growing on the ceiling above the tea kettle, but I'm sure you'll manage to strip clean that before their next visit anyway.
In any case, I wanted you to know that I'm not leaving because of the mistake on my holiday bonus last year, or the fact that I can't read half the document attachments that come in my email because I'm still on Word 95. No, I am leaving because you clearly do not believe that this company is worth the investment of good, well-running equipment for either your office or manufacturing staff. And if its not worth your investment, sir, it is not worth my investment, either, and I am certainly not going to waste 40 of the best hours of my week on a bad investment. Good day.
Number 4
Dear M
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No.
I quit.
Number 5
Dear Mr. XXXXXX,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Here's to hoping your day was better than mine
But while poking around on the internet today - I found some truly wonderful examples of resignation letters.
Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Yours,
Dear G,
After today's team building meeting, I find myself unable to take this company seriously any longer. I'm afraid I can't take being strategised, reorganised, empowered or re-engineered any more.
The fact there are now more 19 year old consultants in new suits running around with questionnaires than there are staff in our rapidly shrinking department, might be considered by some to be a bad sign. But not by our clueless management, whose inane directives and a seemingly limitless ability to patronise, demotivated and pass the buck, has made the department what it is today. Will you please stop trying to manage from the colour supplements of the Sunday papers? Each Monday I've dreaded another 'fad' directive/ strategy/ initiative from on high. You scatter your conflicting ideas throughout the organisation like the seeds of a mad gardener. Hoping vainly that some of them will sprout, miraculously save the company and with it your miserable hides.
Maybe I'm just not a "team player", but I feel it's time to "self-outsource" to another organisation.
Yours in exasperation,
P.S. Sorry I didn't address this letter correctly, but I didn't receive the organisational chart for this week.
Dear BM
Per our employee handbook, I am giving two weeks notice of my resignation. You will probably notice that I am not the first person to jump off this ship before it sinks. Perhaps my leaving will save the company enough money to purchase new mixers and replace the ones which were purchased when the company was started in the late 40s.
But, I know that you won't approve of that sort of expenditure, not with your overarching effort to reduce costs. Miraculously, you haven't had any layoffs in a couple of years, but that is probably because you are running on the bare minimum of staff anyway, and have made such haphazard attempts at upgrading computer and manufacturing equipment that no one in the office has the same version of MS Word and the mixers are probably held together with duct tape and spit wads, which I'm sure would interest the FDA. As would the mould growing on the ceiling above the tea kettle, but I'm sure you'll manage to strip clean that before their next visit anyway.
In any case, I wanted you to know that I'm not leaving because of the mistake on my holiday bonus last year, or the fact that I can't read half the document attachments that come in my email because I'm still on Word 95. No, I am leaving because you clearly do not believe that this company is worth the investment of good, well-running equipment for either your office or manufacturing staff. And if its not worth your investment, sir, it is not worth my investment, either, and I am certainly not going to waste 40 of the best hours of my week on a bad investment. Good day.
Dear M
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No.
I quit.
Dear Mr. XXXXXX,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Here's to hoping your day was better than mine
The art of taking sexy photos
Men love gazing at saucy photos and sexy photography is great for your sex life. Not only is it a great form of foreplay, but it also fulfils porn star and glamour model fantasies.
So here are some top photography tips to help you on your way...
1. You need a digital camera. There's nothing worse than having to collect your sexy photos from Boots or Jessops when you know they have had a sneaky peep at your photos. Of course, most people are using digital cameras these days, so this is really not too much of a problem as film cameras fade out altogether. When you buy your digital camera, also buy additional memory cards. If you have a 3 megapixel camera, get at least a 256MB card, 512MBs for 4 megapixel models, and 1GB for for 6 megapixels and up. That way, you'll never miss another shot because your memory card is full.
2. You can feel a bit silly posing, trying to look sexy and having no idea of where to put your hands. Get some adult porn magazines. They have professionals demonstrating the sexy poses for you. Copy the stance and positioning of the photos you like in the magazines.
3. Get some props! If you are holding something, leaning somewhere or have something to do with your hands, you will look more natura, and won’t feel uncomfortable. The props might be an everyday object, food, a sex toy or a door frame. Also, massage baby oil into your skin.
4. Play some music or have a bottle of wine to help you relax. If you are taking the photos with your lover, you will soon stop feeling silly as they get hornier watching you posing and teasing.
5. Forget less is more, and remember more is best! Leave something to the imagination, save all your intimate bits 'n' body parts for the passionate sex scene, don't flash them off in the snaps - this leaves nothing for the grand finale. Sexy photos are just an appetiser. A few shots of a slow sensual strip show are far more arousing than an upfront and in-your-face view of your flange! Get your sexy Funtimz undies on or wrap yourself in a towel or some bed sheets and show little hints of flesh.
6. Try to create a sexy smile - never smile with your lips fully closed. Try imagining you have a pea or a penny between your lips. Also give your lips a lick before the shot to give them shine.
7. Check your location. Your photographs won’t turn out very sexy if unwanted mess is in the frame. Make sure that the area you are using is tidy. And wherever you are taking your pics, make sure you are not going to be disturbed - it can be very embarrassing!
8. Beware of mirrors! If you’re using a flash, mirrors can leave a white star-like flash on your snap. Also, make sure the photographer cannot see themselves in a mirror that is in the shot. Be aware also that they can show the back of you to camera - we don't want you getting caught with loo roll hanging out of your knickers!
9. Back lighting (having a light shine behind your subject) is flattering. It softens the outline, and makes you look slimmer.
10. Taking photos outside - a very risky business! Make sure you are not going to be disturbed or arrested! She could always be wearing the Funtimz policewoman’s outfit just in case, she’ll certainly make a very arresting sight! Warm up the tones of your photo and give yourself a warm sexy glow by changing the white balance on your camera from auto to cloudy. It increases the reds and yellows resulting in a richer, warmer shot.
11. Make your legs sexier girls! Firstly, check out the range of sexy stockings and tights by clicking this link, and always point your toes even if your feet are going to be touching the ground (when sitting in a chair for example). It makes your legs look longer and more shapely. If you’re going to wear shoes, wear high heels or sexy boots. Check out Funtimz Footwear. This is because high-heeled shoes instantly improve your posture and improve the shape of your legs. Don't just stand with your legs together like a soldier on sentry duty, it’s not doing you or the snap any favours. Instead, stand with your legs a stride apart or cross one in front of the other to exaggerate the leg length.
12. Experiment with camera angles, they can add to the mood of your finished photo. Looking down on your subject makes them look very submissive; whilst having the camera look up at the subject from a lower position makes them look dominant and powerful. Also, have a play with up skirt and down top shots.
13. DIY Sexy Photos. For an added surprise at work, email him a 'right at this very moment' photo taken with the self-timer function. This delays the firing of the shutter for up to 10 seconds. Also handy for the missing photographer syndrome!
14. If something does manage to spoil your photo remember you can always crop and change your digital images later on your computer.
15. Work it, baby! It’s a digital camera so it costs nothing to take hundreds of photos. You can always disregard photos you don't like later. The more different photos you take with different lighting and camera angles, the better chance you have of finding the perfect, sexiest photo.
16. Don't stand face on to the camera. It’s not very interesting and it’s not very flattering either. If you must stand face on to the camera, turn slightly away to improve the shot.
17. Most importantly, have fun! Because it comes across in the photograph if you are enjoying yourself or not. You’re not going to turn on the viewer of the photo if you look like you have the snap taken under duress
So here are some top photography tips to help you on your way...
1. You need a digital camera. There's nothing worse than having to collect your sexy photos from Boots or Jessops when you know they have had a sneaky peep at your photos. Of course, most people are using digital cameras these days, so this is really not too much of a problem as film cameras fade out altogether. When you buy your digital camera, also buy additional memory cards. If you have a 3 megapixel camera, get at least a 256MB card, 512MBs for 4 megapixel models, and 1GB for for 6 megapixels and up. That way, you'll never miss another shot because your memory card is full.
2. You can feel a bit silly posing, trying to look sexy and having no idea of where to put your hands. Get some adult porn magazines. They have professionals demonstrating the sexy poses for you. Copy the stance and positioning of the photos you like in the magazines.
3. Get some props! If you are holding something, leaning somewhere or have something to do with your hands, you will look more natura, and won’t feel uncomfortable. The props might be an everyday object, food, a sex toy or a door frame. Also, massage baby oil into your skin.
4. Play some music or have a bottle of wine to help you relax. If you are taking the photos with your lover, you will soon stop feeling silly as they get hornier watching you posing and teasing.
5. Forget less is more, and remember more is best! Leave something to the imagination, save all your intimate bits 'n' body parts for the passionate sex scene, don't flash them off in the snaps - this leaves nothing for the grand finale. Sexy photos are just an appetiser. A few shots of a slow sensual strip show are far more arousing than an upfront and in-your-face view of your flange! Get your sexy Funtimz undies on or wrap yourself in a towel or some bed sheets and show little hints of flesh.
6. Try to create a sexy smile - never smile with your lips fully closed. Try imagining you have a pea or a penny between your lips. Also give your lips a lick before the shot to give them shine.
7. Check your location. Your photographs won’t turn out very sexy if unwanted mess is in the frame. Make sure that the area you are using is tidy. And wherever you are taking your pics, make sure you are not going to be disturbed - it can be very embarrassing!
8. Beware of mirrors! If you’re using a flash, mirrors can leave a white star-like flash on your snap. Also, make sure the photographer cannot see themselves in a mirror that is in the shot. Be aware also that they can show the back of you to camera - we don't want you getting caught with loo roll hanging out of your knickers!
9. Back lighting (having a light shine behind your subject) is flattering. It softens the outline, and makes you look slimmer.
10. Taking photos outside - a very risky business! Make sure you are not going to be disturbed or arrested! She could always be wearing the Funtimz policewoman’s outfit just in case, she’ll certainly make a very arresting sight! Warm up the tones of your photo and give yourself a warm sexy glow by changing the white balance on your camera from auto to cloudy. It increases the reds and yellows resulting in a richer, warmer shot.
11. Make your legs sexier girls! Firstly, check out the range of sexy stockings and tights by clicking this link, and always point your toes even if your feet are going to be touching the ground (when sitting in a chair for example). It makes your legs look longer and more shapely. If you’re going to wear shoes, wear high heels or sexy boots. Check out Funtimz Footwear. This is because high-heeled shoes instantly improve your posture and improve the shape of your legs. Don't just stand with your legs together like a soldier on sentry duty, it’s not doing you or the snap any favours. Instead, stand with your legs a stride apart or cross one in front of the other to exaggerate the leg length.
12. Experiment with camera angles, they can add to the mood of your finished photo. Looking down on your subject makes them look very submissive; whilst having the camera look up at the subject from a lower position makes them look dominant and powerful. Also, have a play with up skirt and down top shots.
13. DIY Sexy Photos. For an added surprise at work, email him a 'right at this very moment' photo taken with the self-timer function. This delays the firing of the shutter for up to 10 seconds. Also handy for the missing photographer syndrome!
14. If something does manage to spoil your photo remember you can always crop and change your digital images later on your computer.
15. Work it, baby! It’s a digital camera so it costs nothing to take hundreds of photos. You can always disregard photos you don't like later. The more different photos you take with different lighting and camera angles, the better chance you have of finding the perfect, sexiest photo.
16. Don't stand face on to the camera. It’s not very interesting and it’s not very flattering either. If you must stand face on to the camera, turn slightly away to improve the shot.
17. Most importantly, have fun! Because it comes across in the photograph if you are enjoying yourself or not. You’re not going to turn on the viewer of the photo if you look like you have the snap taken under duress
Bath Bags
Washcloths in bright colors/or prints
Ribbon or lace
Thread
Scissors
Sewing Machine
Fold a washcloth in half.
Fold a length of ribbon or lace in half and place it (folded edge in) inside the open edge near the top of the washcloth. Pin sides together (making sure to capture the ribbon or lace).
Sew up the side and one end (make sure you sew closed the end opposite where you put the ribbon). Turn inside out, fill with soap or bath beads/salts and tie closed with ribbon.
Ribbon or lace
Thread
Scissors
Sewing Machine
Fold a washcloth in half.
Fold a length of ribbon or lace in half and place it (folded edge in) inside the open edge near the top of the washcloth. Pin sides together (making sure to capture the ribbon or lace).
Sew up the side and one end (make sure you sew closed the end opposite where you put the ribbon). Turn inside out, fill with soap or bath beads/salts and tie closed with ribbon.
Funky Candle Flames
2 tablespoons table salt
4 tablespoons borax
1 1/2 cups warm water
12 inches regular cotton kite string or twine
Dissolve salt and borax in water.
Soak string or twin in the solution for 15 minutes.
Hang the string with a clothespin for five days to be sure it is completely dry.
Use a paper clip to dip the string in melted wax three or four times, coating it completely. Hang it up to dry as before. Store wicks rolled up in a newspaper.
NOTE: Add 1 teaspoon of one of the following chemicals for colored flames:
Strontium chloride for a brilliant red flame
Boric acid for a deep red flame
Lithium chloride for a carmine flame
Calcium for a red-orange flame
Sodium chloride (table salt) for a bright yellow flame
Borax for a yellow-green flame
Copper chloride for a blue flame
Copper sulfate (blue vitriol/bluestone) for a green flame
Potassium sulfate or potassium nitrate (saltpeter) for a violet flame
Epsom salt for a white flame
4 tablespoons borax
1 1/2 cups warm water
12 inches regular cotton kite string or twine
Dissolve salt and borax in water.
Soak string or twin in the solution for 15 minutes.
Hang the string with a clothespin for five days to be sure it is completely dry.
Use a paper clip to dip the string in melted wax three or four times, coating it completely. Hang it up to dry as before. Store wicks rolled up in a newspaper.
NOTE: Add 1 teaspoon of one of the following chemicals for colored flames:
Strontium chloride for a brilliant red flame
Boric acid for a deep red flame
Lithium chloride for a carmine flame
Calcium for a red-orange flame
Sodium chloride (table salt) for a bright yellow flame
Borax for a yellow-green flame
Copper chloride for a blue flame
Copper sulfate (blue vitriol/bluestone) for a green flame
Potassium sulfate or potassium nitrate (saltpeter) for a violet flame
Epsom salt for a white flame
Aromatic Votive
Heatproof flower pots or glasses
Candlewick
Wooden Skewers
1 pound paraffin
Empty coffee can
Saucepan
Essential oil
Needle
Fill selected candle holder with water; pour water into measuring glass and note the quantity.
Tie wick onto wooden skewer so that the free end touches the bottom of the candle holder. Lay skewer on rim with wick centered.
Place paraffin in a very clean coffee can set in a saucepan of boiling water; let paraffin melt. Add a few drops of essential oil and mix in well, using a wooden skewer.
Pour melted, scented paraffin into the selected candle holder. Pour slowly to avoid creating air bubbles. Let cool.
Prick surface of candle with a needle. The candle is ready to be used when no liquid wax residue appears on the needle.
Candlewick
Wooden Skewers
1 pound paraffin
Empty coffee can
Saucepan
Essential oil
Needle
Fill selected candle holder with water; pour water into measuring glass and note the quantity.
Tie wick onto wooden skewer so that the free end touches the bottom of the candle holder. Lay skewer on rim with wick centered.
Place paraffin in a very clean coffee can set in a saucepan of boiling water; let paraffin melt. Add a few drops of essential oil and mix in well, using a wooden skewer.
Pour melted, scented paraffin into the selected candle holder. Pour slowly to avoid creating air bubbles. Let cool.
Prick surface of candle with a needle. The candle is ready to be used when no liquid wax residue appears on the needle.
Apple Candles
Yellow and red apples make a wonderful candlelight decoration for fall entertaining.
Toothpick
Paring knife
Melon baller
Votive candles
Several medium-size apples, any colors desired
Lemon juice
Set one apple stem side up. Set the bottom of the votive candle over the stem. With a toothpick, poke holes around the base of the candle about 1/4 inch apart. This delineates the area to be removed so that the candle can fit into the hole.
Using a paring knife, cut along dotted circle and straight down about three-fourths of the way into the apple. Do not cut through the bottom of the apple.
Using the melon baller, scoop out the core and insides. Trim the opening with the paring knife to smooth any ragged edges. Rub the edges with lemon juice to prevent browning.
Repeat procedure with remaining apples.
Place a votive candle into each apple. You can place the prepared apples in the refrigerator until you are ready to set them on the table. This will also help to keep the candles burning longer! Light the candles just before guests come to the table.
Toothpick
Paring knife
Melon baller
Votive candles
Several medium-size apples, any colors desired
Lemon juice
Set one apple stem side up. Set the bottom of the votive candle over the stem. With a toothpick, poke holes around the base of the candle about 1/4 inch apart. This delineates the area to be removed so that the candle can fit into the hole.
Using a paring knife, cut along dotted circle and straight down about three-fourths of the way into the apple. Do not cut through the bottom of the apple.
Using the melon baller, scoop out the core and insides. Trim the opening with the paring knife to smooth any ragged edges. Rub the edges with lemon juice to prevent browning.
Repeat procedure with remaining apples.
Place a votive candle into each apple. You can place the prepared apples in the refrigerator until you are ready to set them on the table. This will also help to keep the candles burning longer! Light the candles just before guests come to the table.
Side Walk Chaulk
Materials Needed:
1 Cup Plaster of Paris
1 Cup Water
Powdered Tempera Paint
Instructions:
Find a mold for your sidewalk chalk. You can use small paper cups, toilet tissue rolls, candy molds, etc.
Mix the Plaster of Paris and the water together. For colored chalk, add powdered tempera paint to achieve the color you want. Let stand for a few minutes and then pour into mold.
Set side and let dry completely. This can take anywhere from several hours to a few days depending on the size of the mold you chose. Once dry, remove the chalk from the mold. If it is still moist, let air dry for another 24 hours.
1 Cup Plaster of Paris
1 Cup Water
Powdered Tempera Paint
Instructions:
Find a mold for your sidewalk chalk. You can use small paper cups, toilet tissue rolls, candy molds, etc.
Mix the Plaster of Paris and the water together. For colored chalk, add powdered tempera paint to achieve the color you want. Let stand for a few minutes and then pour into mold.
Set side and let dry completely. This can take anywhere from several hours to a few days depending on the size of the mold you chose. Once dry, remove the chalk from the mold. If it is still moist, let air dry for another 24 hours.
More Page Ideas
And as soon as I figure out how to upload them, I'll post them here. I just wanted to take a moment & reflect on how scrap booking has made me more aware of the small daily rituals and sights that make such great pages, but we never stop to think about them.
The dog dreaming of chasing a cat (or mouse or the mailman) .
The cat sunbathing in the kitchen sink.
The smile on my nephew's face when he sees my dad (his pappy).
The laughter of a child.
The joy of a new hair color - in my case it's blue.
Friends sitting around - just talking, drinking a glass of wine, hanging out
The colors of fall.
The rain.
The funny little squirrel that sits in my bathroom window.
Sunset.
The Good Morning Cup of coffee.
The Good Night Cup of Cocoa.
Yoga.
Shopping w/my mom & sister.
Just those little things no one ever considers - I have pages from holidays, vacations, family gatherings in past years albums, but this year I dedicated to the simple things.
This year I will dedicate the book to the people/animals in my life - no matter how big or small part you play, you get a page.
The dog dreaming of chasing a cat (or mouse or the mailman) .
The cat sunbathing in the kitchen sink.
The smile on my nephew's face when he sees my dad (his pappy).
The laughter of a child.
The joy of a new hair color - in my case it's blue.
Friends sitting around - just talking, drinking a glass of wine, hanging out
The colors of fall.
The rain.
The funny little squirrel that sits in my bathroom window.
Sunset.
The Good Morning Cup of coffee.
The Good Night Cup of Cocoa.
Yoga.
Shopping w/my mom & sister.
Just those little things no one ever considers - I have pages from holidays, vacations, family gatherings in past years albums, but this year I dedicated to the simple things.
This year I will dedicate the book to the people/animals in my life - no matter how big or small part you play, you get a page.
Fairy Garden
This project is a truly unique kids party activity, combining fun, fantasy, and learning. Kids love getting their hands dirty and learning how things grow. They will also love the idea of making a magical garden place for a fairy to live.
A miniature garden takes little space and can rest on a tabletop. Maintenance requires only a light misting from time to time and watching for fairies to come to call. Just kidding about that last part, but you never know...
Start by collecting various containers such as woven baskets, large shallow bowls or deep dish clay saucers (like a birdbath), or even discarded bureau drawers. Check yard sales for innovative ideas and inexpensive materials.
Next, supply potting soil and a selection of small plants that will reach under a foot when fully grown. Dwarf zinnias, marigolds, violets, ivy, baby's tears and sprigs of vinca are all good choices.
There are many types of mosses that will work nicely too, fitting into corners and small areas easily to add texture and interest. A variety of low-growing herbs such as thyme and rosemary lend aroma to the mix as well.
Start by lining your garden container with heavy duty plastic, fill to within an inch of the top with potting soil then kids are ready to landscape the top. Let them choose their favorite diminutive plants, interspersing them with various materials to add charm and character to the fairy garden.
For example, turn a colorful plant pot on its side and submerge it halfway in the soil to serve as a proper fairy dwelling. Add dollhouse sized furniture to set in the garden, popsicle sticks to construct a fairy fence, or small flat rocks to make a wonderful stepping stone path.
A small mirror symbolizing water making a faux gazing pool. The round flat glass beads used in vases make nice accent pieces too. Tiny garden accessories like terra cotta pots and shovels give your garden a "lived-in" look.
Fairy gardens needn't be for little girls only. Boys can make a miniature dinosaur den using many of the same materials. Herbs, moss and other green plants can make a forest or wooded area in which small plastic dinosaurs return from extinction to live another day. Soil mounded to one side forms a volcano, spilling red aquarium stone lava.
A construction site garden is another option for boys. Tiny rocks, stick logs, and craft stick lumber can be stacked up waiting for the big rigs to move them. Small toy bulldozers and cranes can be scattered about, among the plantings.
These whimsical gardens can go wherever your child's imagination takes them. You provide the materials, they supply the ideas and creativity. Planting and maintaining a miniature garden teaches kids about plants, caring for living things, and most all the fun of gardening.
A miniature garden takes little space and can rest on a tabletop. Maintenance requires only a light misting from time to time and watching for fairies to come to call. Just kidding about that last part, but you never know...
Start by collecting various containers such as woven baskets, large shallow bowls or deep dish clay saucers (like a birdbath), or even discarded bureau drawers. Check yard sales for innovative ideas and inexpensive materials.
Next, supply potting soil and a selection of small plants that will reach under a foot when fully grown. Dwarf zinnias, marigolds, violets, ivy, baby's tears and sprigs of vinca are all good choices.
There are many types of mosses that will work nicely too, fitting into corners and small areas easily to add texture and interest. A variety of low-growing herbs such as thyme and rosemary lend aroma to the mix as well.
Start by lining your garden container with heavy duty plastic, fill to within an inch of the top with potting soil then kids are ready to landscape the top. Let them choose their favorite diminutive plants, interspersing them with various materials to add charm and character to the fairy garden.
For example, turn a colorful plant pot on its side and submerge it halfway in the soil to serve as a proper fairy dwelling. Add dollhouse sized furniture to set in the garden, popsicle sticks to construct a fairy fence, or small flat rocks to make a wonderful stepping stone path.
A small mirror symbolizing water making a faux gazing pool. The round flat glass beads used in vases make nice accent pieces too. Tiny garden accessories like terra cotta pots and shovels give your garden a "lived-in" look.
Fairy gardens needn't be for little girls only. Boys can make a miniature dinosaur den using many of the same materials. Herbs, moss and other green plants can make a forest or wooded area in which small plastic dinosaurs return from extinction to live another day. Soil mounded to one side forms a volcano, spilling red aquarium stone lava.
A construction site garden is another option for boys. Tiny rocks, stick logs, and craft stick lumber can be stacked up waiting for the big rigs to move them. Small toy bulldozers and cranes can be scattered about, among the plantings.
These whimsical gardens can go wherever your child's imagination takes them. You provide the materials, they supply the ideas and creativity. Planting and maintaining a miniature garden teaches kids about plants, caring for living things, and most all the fun of gardening.
Salt Dough
Items needed:
3/4 cup salt
3/4 cup non-self-rising flour
2 tsp powdered alum (look in the drugstore or grocery)
3/4 cup water
2 tblsp vegetable oil
food colouring
Directions:
Mix salt, 1/2 cup flour, and alum in a saucepan.
Add water slowly, stirring to break up lumps.
place over low heat and cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is rubbery and difficult to stir. It should not be sticky when touched.
Add vegetable oil. Stir until blended.
Turn out onto a plate or aluminum foil. Set aside until cool enough to handle.
If more than one color is desired, divide mixture into portions and to each portion add a different color. Knead until color is blended.
Add up to 1/4 cup flour if clay is sticky.
Makes 1 1/2 cups
3/4 cup salt
3/4 cup non-self-rising flour
2 tsp powdered alum (look in the drugstore or grocery)
3/4 cup water
2 tblsp vegetable oil
food colouring
Directions:
Mix salt, 1/2 cup flour, and alum in a saucepan.
Add water slowly, stirring to break up lumps.
place over low heat and cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is rubbery and difficult to stir. It should not be sticky when touched.
Add vegetable oil. Stir until blended.
Turn out onto a plate or aluminum foil. Set aside until cool enough to handle.
If more than one color is desired, divide mixture into portions and to each portion add a different color. Knead until color is blended.
Add up to 1/4 cup flour if clay is sticky.
Makes 1 1/2 cups
Paper Making
Recycled-paper pulp can be made from tissues, computer paper, photocopier paper, wrapping paper, brown paper, note paper or envelopes — all used on their own or in combination. Tear the paper into pieces measuring approximately one inch square and soak in water overnight. The better the quality of the paper, the smaller you need to tear the pieces and the longer you need to soak them. For example, tissues can be torn into quite large pieces and soaked for only 30 minutes, while watercolor paper needs to be torn into pieces less than one inch square and soaked for two or three days. If you're in a hurry, pour boiling water over the torn paper and allow it to stand for an hour or two.
Place a small handful of wet, torn paper and two cups of water in a blender and blend for 15 to 30 seconds. (Thick cardboard or quality papers will take longer.) After a while, experience will tell you how long to blend different kinds of paper. Remember when first starting out, blend paper for the shortest possible time — just long enough for the fibers to separate. Stop the machine after 15 seconds and check; if there are still large pieces of paper visible, allow another 10 seconds and check again. If the pulp is too thick, add more water; do not dilute it too much or you will produce fine, fragile sheets that are difficult to work with. Don't worry about little bits that do not break down entirely; they will add character to the paper.
If you don't have a blender, beat the soaked paper strips into pulp by pounding them in a bucket with a thick stick or bottle filled with water. Although pounding the pulp is historically more authentic than using electric appliances, be forewarned: it is hard, time-consuming work.
After blending the pulp, pour it into a bucket or large plastic bottle until you have enough for several sheets. Figure that one load in the blender will make one thin sheet of 8 1/2" x 11" paper. A two-gallon bucket of pulp will make 20 to 25 sheets.
From Pulp to Paper
Pour three quarts of pulp into a vat (a square plastic dishpan with a capacity of about five gallons of water) and add cold water up to three inches from the top. Then stir the pulp gently with your hand or a wooden spoon. (Do this before forming each sheet to prevent the pulp from settling on the bottom.) Dampen the mesh on your mold (see "Build a Mold & Deckle" ) before forming your first sheet.
Facing the vat, hold the mold with both hands by the short sides and lower vertically into the far side of the vat. Then tilt the mold gently towards you until it is lying horizontally, about two inches below the surface of the water. Be careful not to bump the sides of the vat with the mold, which can cause ridges.
RECYCLING OLD PAPER
In addition to creating beautiful stationery, I take pride in knowing that I'm helping to reduce waste in our throwaway society.
Gradually lift the mold, holding it level, and allow it to drain over the vat for about 15 seconds, until most of the water has drained away. Then tilt it slightly to drain for another 10 seconds. If you have two molds, you can put one aside to drain while you form another sheet with the other. (After every two or three sheets, add another quart of pulp to the vat.)
Next, hold the deckle (see "Build a Mold & Deckle" ) against the mold with your thumbs on top and fingers underneath as you immerse both frames in the vat. As they clear the surface — but before the water drains away — lift them out of the vat. Give the mold and deckle a gentle shake backwards, forwards, and sideways to disperse the fibers. Be sure to move from your shoulders, not just the wrist). Then drain the wet sheet for about 30 seconds before removing the deckle gently. Do not to let any drops fall on the wet sheet — they will leave water marks.
At this point, you have two drying options. The first and easier method is to simply tilt the frame on its side and leave it outside to dry. On a windy or sunny day, the paper will dry within a couple of hours. In sunny weather, and with two molds in operation, it's possible to make up to 112 sheets a day using this method. Be careful of strong winds, however, which can topple the mold and ruin your paper. To prevent this, lean the mold against a flower pot in a sunny location, using a brick or heavy stone placed at the base of it to hold it firm. Another potential disaster is rain, which can create gaping holes, and don't leave your paper outside overnight when small creatures may get to it.
To remove the paper from the mold, slide a sharp knife under a corner of the paper and work it along the top edge in order to loosen it. Then gently peel off the paper. To press, leave paper in a heavy book for a week.
Build a Mold & Deckle
The mold is nothing more than a simple, durable wood frame. To make one, nail or glue at the corners two pieces of 13"-long wood (the sides) with two 8 1/2"-long pieces of wood (the top and bottom). Strips of wood should measure 1" x 2" in thickness, and the inside area of the frame should be 8 1/2" x 11". You can further reinforce the corners with brass L-shaped braces.
Cover the frame with mesh stretched as taut as possible and then pin or nail to the frame. Materials that can be used as mesh include: net curtaining, fiberglass window screening, plastic cross-stitch fabric, silk-screen mesh, or any porous fabric with a fine gauge. If using fabric, wet it before stretching so that it won't sag when placed in water.
The deckle is a removable, open frame that rests on top of the mesh and contains the pulp within the surface area of the screen. It is the same size as the mold and determines the size of the sheet of paper to be formed. If a deckle is not used, the paper formed will be thinner and the edge more irregular. For a simple but perfectly adequate deckle, make a second frame identical to the mold, but only one inch deep. Omit the mesh.(See illustration of mold and deckle )
Method 2: The Couching Technique
Your other option is to "couch" (or lay down) the paper onto wet felt (felt is available at fabric stores). First, create a small pile of five to six wet pieces of felt to form a soft pad. (Without this pad, your paper may form badly.) A wet folded towel or wet piece of carpet pad may also be placed underneath the pad of felts in order to create even more of a cushion.
Next, rest the mold with the long left-hand side of the frame against the right-hand side of the felt, pulp facing left. Hold the mold vertically (your left hand should be holding the raised left side of the frame). Using both hands and a gentle rocking motion, lower the mold (pulp against the felt) down flat on the felt with your left hand, and lift it up with the right. While the motion should be smooth, the pressure should be sufficient enough to transfer the wet pulp onto the felt. Press the mold firmly if this is your first time; with practice you'll be able to do this in one smooth movement. If your first sheet isn't successful, just place another wet felt onto the first sheet of paper and couch a second sheet onto this.
Continue this process until you have a substantial pile of felts and paper. After you've created a pile of 10 or so sheets of paper, feel free to remove the towel or carpet. Then keep piling the felts until you have anywhere between 20 and 50 of them. Now it's time to press.
The simplest way to press a pile of felts is to sandwich them between two boards and stand on the pile for 10 minutes. Then, for even further pressing, stack bricks or a bucket of water on the board and let sit for a few hours. When you return, take out your pile and place on a flat surface. Peel away the top felt in order to reveal the first wet sheet of paper. Separate each felt (with its wet sheet) from the one below. Peel them apart carefully, gently lifting a corner without lifting the sheet below. Go slow.
PRESSING NEW PAPER
The simplest way to press felts is to sandwich them between boards and stand on them for ten minutes.
Then hang your couched paper indoors on a drying rack or clothesline with clothespins to dry. Once dry, remove the paper from the felt by sliding a sharp knife under a corner of the paper and working the knife along the top edge to loosen. Turn the felt over so the paper is face down (on a clean, dry surface) and gently peel the felt away. Press the paper in a heavy book for one week.
Storing Extra Pulp
Newly made or leftover pulp can be stored in sealed bottles or buckets for up to a few weeks. Pour pulp through a drainage bag, stocking, or colander lined with mesh, rinse well under running water, and return it back to its container slightly diluted. Experience will tell you which consistency works best, but a general rule of thumb is to dilute one cup of wet, drained pulp with one to two cups of water. If the pulp is still too thick, dilute it even more so that your sheets won't end up lumpy.
If after a week or so your pulp starts to smell badly, add one teaspoon of household bleach for each two quarts of pulp. Before using the pulp again, however, make sure that you give it a good, thorough rinsing.
For longer storage, some recommend draining and then freezing excess pulp. Others (myself included) suggest draining the excess pulp through mesh and then storing it in the refrigerator in a sealed plastic bag. For indefinite storage, drain pulp through a stocking and hang to dry. When you need some, simply break off pieces, soak them in water for an hour, and blend again.
Place a small handful of wet, torn paper and two cups of water in a blender and blend for 15 to 30 seconds. (Thick cardboard or quality papers will take longer.) After a while, experience will tell you how long to blend different kinds of paper. Remember when first starting out, blend paper for the shortest possible time — just long enough for the fibers to separate. Stop the machine after 15 seconds and check; if there are still large pieces of paper visible, allow another 10 seconds and check again. If the pulp is too thick, add more water; do not dilute it too much or you will produce fine, fragile sheets that are difficult to work with. Don't worry about little bits that do not break down entirely; they will add character to the paper.
If you don't have a blender, beat the soaked paper strips into pulp by pounding them in a bucket with a thick stick or bottle filled with water. Although pounding the pulp is historically more authentic than using electric appliances, be forewarned: it is hard, time-consuming work.
After blending the pulp, pour it into a bucket or large plastic bottle until you have enough for several sheets. Figure that one load in the blender will make one thin sheet of 8 1/2" x 11" paper. A two-gallon bucket of pulp will make 20 to 25 sheets.
From Pulp to Paper
Pour three quarts of pulp into a vat (a square plastic dishpan with a capacity of about five gallons of water) and add cold water up to three inches from the top. Then stir the pulp gently with your hand or a wooden spoon. (Do this before forming each sheet to prevent the pulp from settling on the bottom.) Dampen the mesh on your mold (see "Build a Mold & Deckle" ) before forming your first sheet.
Facing the vat, hold the mold with both hands by the short sides and lower vertically into the far side of the vat. Then tilt the mold gently towards you until it is lying horizontally, about two inches below the surface of the water. Be careful not to bump the sides of the vat with the mold, which can cause ridges.
RECYCLING OLD PAPER
In addition to creating beautiful stationery, I take pride in knowing that I'm helping to reduce waste in our throwaway society.
Gradually lift the mold, holding it level, and allow it to drain over the vat for about 15 seconds, until most of the water has drained away. Then tilt it slightly to drain for another 10 seconds. If you have two molds, you can put one aside to drain while you form another sheet with the other. (After every two or three sheets, add another quart of pulp to the vat.)
Next, hold the deckle (see "Build a Mold & Deckle" ) against the mold with your thumbs on top and fingers underneath as you immerse both frames in the vat. As they clear the surface — but before the water drains away — lift them out of the vat. Give the mold and deckle a gentle shake backwards, forwards, and sideways to disperse the fibers. Be sure to move from your shoulders, not just the wrist). Then drain the wet sheet for about 30 seconds before removing the deckle gently. Do not to let any drops fall on the wet sheet — they will leave water marks.
At this point, you have two drying options. The first and easier method is to simply tilt the frame on its side and leave it outside to dry. On a windy or sunny day, the paper will dry within a couple of hours. In sunny weather, and with two molds in operation, it's possible to make up to 112 sheets a day using this method. Be careful of strong winds, however, which can topple the mold and ruin your paper. To prevent this, lean the mold against a flower pot in a sunny location, using a brick or heavy stone placed at the base of it to hold it firm. Another potential disaster is rain, which can create gaping holes, and don't leave your paper outside overnight when small creatures may get to it.
To remove the paper from the mold, slide a sharp knife under a corner of the paper and work it along the top edge in order to loosen it. Then gently peel off the paper. To press, leave paper in a heavy book for a week.
Build a Mold & Deckle
The mold is nothing more than a simple, durable wood frame. To make one, nail or glue at the corners two pieces of 13"-long wood (the sides) with two 8 1/2"-long pieces of wood (the top and bottom). Strips of wood should measure 1" x 2" in thickness, and the inside area of the frame should be 8 1/2" x 11". You can further reinforce the corners with brass L-shaped braces.
Cover the frame with mesh stretched as taut as possible and then pin or nail to the frame. Materials that can be used as mesh include: net curtaining, fiberglass window screening, plastic cross-stitch fabric, silk-screen mesh, or any porous fabric with a fine gauge. If using fabric, wet it before stretching so that it won't sag when placed in water.
The deckle is a removable, open frame that rests on top of the mesh and contains the pulp within the surface area of the screen. It is the same size as the mold and determines the size of the sheet of paper to be formed. If a deckle is not used, the paper formed will be thinner and the edge more irregular. For a simple but perfectly adequate deckle, make a second frame identical to the mold, but only one inch deep. Omit the mesh.(See illustration of mold and deckle )
Method 2: The Couching Technique
Your other option is to "couch" (or lay down) the paper onto wet felt (felt is available at fabric stores). First, create a small pile of five to six wet pieces of felt to form a soft pad. (Without this pad, your paper may form badly.) A wet folded towel or wet piece of carpet pad may also be placed underneath the pad of felts in order to create even more of a cushion.
Next, rest the mold with the long left-hand side of the frame against the right-hand side of the felt, pulp facing left. Hold the mold vertically (your left hand should be holding the raised left side of the frame). Using both hands and a gentle rocking motion, lower the mold (pulp against the felt) down flat on the felt with your left hand, and lift it up with the right. While the motion should be smooth, the pressure should be sufficient enough to transfer the wet pulp onto the felt. Press the mold firmly if this is your first time; with practice you'll be able to do this in one smooth movement. If your first sheet isn't successful, just place another wet felt onto the first sheet of paper and couch a second sheet onto this.
Continue this process until you have a substantial pile of felts and paper. After you've created a pile of 10 or so sheets of paper, feel free to remove the towel or carpet. Then keep piling the felts until you have anywhere between 20 and 50 of them. Now it's time to press.
The simplest way to press a pile of felts is to sandwich them between two boards and stand on the pile for 10 minutes. Then, for even further pressing, stack bricks or a bucket of water on the board and let sit for a few hours. When you return, take out your pile and place on a flat surface. Peel away the top felt in order to reveal the first wet sheet of paper. Separate each felt (with its wet sheet) from the one below. Peel them apart carefully, gently lifting a corner without lifting the sheet below. Go slow.
PRESSING NEW PAPER
The simplest way to press felts is to sandwich them between boards and stand on them for ten minutes.
Then hang your couched paper indoors on a drying rack or clothesline with clothespins to dry. Once dry, remove the paper from the felt by sliding a sharp knife under a corner of the paper and working the knife along the top edge to loosen. Turn the felt over so the paper is face down (on a clean, dry surface) and gently peel the felt away. Press the paper in a heavy book for one week.
Storing Extra Pulp
Newly made or leftover pulp can be stored in sealed bottles or buckets for up to a few weeks. Pour pulp through a drainage bag, stocking, or colander lined with mesh, rinse well under running water, and return it back to its container slightly diluted. Experience will tell you which consistency works best, but a general rule of thumb is to dilute one cup of wet, drained pulp with one to two cups of water. If the pulp is still too thick, dilute it even more so that your sheets won't end up lumpy.
If after a week or so your pulp starts to smell badly, add one teaspoon of household bleach for each two quarts of pulp. Before using the pulp again, however, make sure that you give it a good, thorough rinsing.
For longer storage, some recommend draining and then freezing excess pulp. Others (myself included) suggest draining the excess pulp through mesh and then storing it in the refrigerator in a sealed plastic bag. For indefinite storage, drain pulp through a stocking and hang to dry. When you need some, simply break off pieces, soak them in water for an hour, and blend again.
Scented Rocks
1/2 cup plain flour
1/2 cup salt
1/4 tsp. essential oil
2/3 cups boiling water
Food coloring, if desired
Glitter or other "mix in's" as desired
In bowl, mix all dry ingredients well. Add your favorite essential oil and boiling water to dry ingredients. (The scent will be strong, but will fade slightly when your rocks dry.) For colored stones, blend in food coloring, one drop at a time, until desired shade is reached. Blend ingredients and form roughly shaped stones. Allow stones to dry.
Place scent stones in a bowl or dish to scent a room, or try in the ashtray of your vehicle.
1/2 cup salt
1/4 tsp. essential oil
2/3 cups boiling water
Food coloring, if desired
Glitter or other "mix in's" as desired
In bowl, mix all dry ingredients well. Add your favorite essential oil and boiling water to dry ingredients. (The scent will be strong, but will fade slightly when your rocks dry.) For colored stones, blend in food coloring, one drop at a time, until desired shade is reached. Blend ingredients and form roughly shaped stones. Allow stones to dry.
Place scent stones in a bowl or dish to scent a room, or try in the ashtray of your vehicle.
Fairy Wings
A fairy can't do without her wings, so I've also whipped up a few diagrams and easy step-by-step instructions to make your fairy costume wings:
1. Start by creating the fairy wire wings. Take a coiled roll of 9-gauge aluminum wire (available at hardware stores) and cut a 16-foot piece (a bit more than what you'll be needing, but it's always better to have a bit more just in case). Bend the wire in half and then twist a small loop at the bend (if you need, use pliers).
2. Then, about 8 inches up from the loop, form a large wing shape from the wire and do the same with the other side (just follow the diagrams below and you'll be fine). Close the wings with a twist (Note: the wings can be bent into different shapes).
3. Take another piece of wire and connect between both wings, creating a triangle
4. Make the top section of the costume wings by twisting each part to look like two smaller parts of the wing.
5. Cut the legs off a pair of queen-size panty hose (any color you choose). Stretch one leg over the bottom part of a wing, secure with a pipe cleaner, and stretch the excess over the top part of the wing. Repeat on the top and bottom of the other side.
6. Tie the middle of a 7-foot piece of ribbon to the bottom of the triangle (where the loop is). Thread the ribbon around the triangle so the costume wings can be worn like a backpack.
Now you can fly!
1. Start by creating the fairy wire wings. Take a coiled roll of 9-gauge aluminum wire (available at hardware stores) and cut a 16-foot piece (a bit more than what you'll be needing, but it's always better to have a bit more just in case). Bend the wire in half and then twist a small loop at the bend (if you need, use pliers).
2. Then, about 8 inches up from the loop, form a large wing shape from the wire and do the same with the other side (just follow the diagrams below and you'll be fine). Close the wings with a twist (Note: the wings can be bent into different shapes).
3. Take another piece of wire and connect between both wings, creating a triangle
4. Make the top section of the costume wings by twisting each part to look like two smaller parts of the wing.
5. Cut the legs off a pair of queen-size panty hose (any color you choose). Stretch one leg over the bottom part of a wing, secure with a pipe cleaner, and stretch the excess over the top part of the wing. Repeat on the top and bottom of the other side.
6. Tie the middle of a 7-foot piece of ribbon to the bottom of the triangle (where the loop is). Thread the ribbon around the triangle so the costume wings can be worn like a backpack.
Now you can fly!
Creating a Budget
Assess your monthly expenses.
Make a list of all of your regular monthly expenses, including any money that you spend on fun things like eating out, entertainment and hobbies; and any minimum payments that you have to make towards your debts. You can use a budget form for this purpose if it makes the job easier.
Total your earnings.
Calculate how much you make per month, including any money that you receive from investments and other forms of residual income.
Subtract expenses from earnings.
Test out the effectiveness of your budget by subtracting your monthly expenses from your earnings. This will show you how much you can expect to have left at the end of the month.
Rework your budget.
If your budget comes out on the negative side, rework it until your numbers crunch. To do this, go back over each expense, and look for places to make cuts.
Build in money for debt reduction.
If you have debts, your budget should already include the minimum payments that you have to make each month. Now you need to find the money to pay down those debts. Look at your numbers again, and determine where you are willing to make sacrifices to get out of debt.
Build in your savings and investments.
Now it’s time to budget money for your financial goals. Do you want to have an emergency fund? Retirement investments? Vacation savings? Make a list of what you hope to achieve, and then survey your budget once more to find the money that you need to reach those goals. If you have a lot of debt, you may need to skip this step for a while, and that’s okay—debt reduction should be priority one.
Put your budget to work.
Once you’ve created a budget that covers all of your monthly expenses and financial goals, it’s time to put your budget to the test. Try to live within your budget, and see how it feels.
Assess your budget.
At the end of each month, look over your expenditures to see if they are matching up to your budget. If they aren’t, determine if you need to work harder to stick to your spending plan; or if you need to rework your budget to reflect your actual spending.
Assess and assess again.
A frugal budget is never finished. Continue to look over your budget every month to catch areas of overspending. Then, crunch the numbers again until you’ve made it right.
Tips:
Be honest about your spending habits, and you’ll end up with a much more realistic budget.
Don’t forget to budget for fun; budgeting isn’t about total deprivation.
Don’t be afraid to change your budget; a good budget is always evolving.
Make a list of all of your regular monthly expenses, including any money that you spend on fun things like eating out, entertainment and hobbies; and any minimum payments that you have to make towards your debts. You can use a budget form for this purpose if it makes the job easier.
Total your earnings.
Calculate how much you make per month, including any money that you receive from investments and other forms of residual income.
Subtract expenses from earnings.
Test out the effectiveness of your budget by subtracting your monthly expenses from your earnings. This will show you how much you can expect to have left at the end of the month.
Rework your budget.
If your budget comes out on the negative side, rework it until your numbers crunch. To do this, go back over each expense, and look for places to make cuts.
Build in money for debt reduction.
If you have debts, your budget should already include the minimum payments that you have to make each month. Now you need to find the money to pay down those debts. Look at your numbers again, and determine where you are willing to make sacrifices to get out of debt.
Build in your savings and investments.
Now it’s time to budget money for your financial goals. Do you want to have an emergency fund? Retirement investments? Vacation savings? Make a list of what you hope to achieve, and then survey your budget once more to find the money that you need to reach those goals. If you have a lot of debt, you may need to skip this step for a while, and that’s okay—debt reduction should be priority one.
Put your budget to work.
Once you’ve created a budget that covers all of your monthly expenses and financial goals, it’s time to put your budget to the test. Try to live within your budget, and see how it feels.
Assess your budget.
At the end of each month, look over your expenditures to see if they are matching up to your budget. If they aren’t, determine if you need to work harder to stick to your spending plan; or if you need to rework your budget to reflect your actual spending.
Assess and assess again.
A frugal budget is never finished. Continue to look over your budget every month to catch areas of overspending. Then, crunch the numbers again until you’ve made it right.
Tips:
Be honest about your spending habits, and you’ll end up with a much more realistic budget.
Don’t forget to budget for fun; budgeting isn’t about total deprivation.
Don’t be afraid to change your budget; a good budget is always evolving.
Setting Priorities
Top things to know
1. Narrow your objectives.
You probably won't be able to achieve every financial goal you've ever dreamed of. So identify your goals clearly and why they matter to you, and decide which are most important. By concentrating your efforts, you have a better chance of achieving what matters most.
2. Focus first on the goals that matter.
To accomplish primary goals, you will often need to put desirable but less important ones on the back burner.
3. Be prepared for conflicts.
Even worthy goals often conflict with one another. When faced with such a conflict, you should ask yourself questions like: Will one of the conflicting goals benefit more people than the other? Which goal will cause the greater harm if it is deferred?
4. Put time on your side.
The most important ally you have in reaching your goals is time. Money stashed in interest-earning savings accounts or invested in stocks and bonds grows and compounds. The more time you have, the more chance you have of success. Your age is a big factor -- younger people (who have more time to build their nest egg) can invest differently than older ones.
5. Choose carefully.
In drawing up your list of goals, you should look for things that will help you feel financially secure, happy or fulfilled. Some of the items that wind up on such lists include building an emergency fund, getting out of debt, and paying kids' tuitions. Once you have your list together, you need to rank the items in order of importance.
6. Include family members.
If you have a spouse or significant other, make sure that person is part of the goal-setting process. Children, too, should have some say in goals that affect them.
7. Start now.
The longer you wait to identify and begin working toward your goals, the more difficulty you'll have reaching them.
8. Sweat the big stuff.
Once you have prioritized your list of goals, keep your spending on course. Whenever you make a large payment for anything ask yourself: "Is this taking me nearer to my primary goals -- or leading me further away from them?" If a big expense doesn't get you closer to your goals, try to defer or reduce it.
9. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Although this lesson encourages you to focus on big-ticket, long-range plans, most of life is lived in the here-and-now and most of what you spend will continue to be for daily expenses - including many that are simply for fun. That's okay - so long as your long-range needs are taken into consideration.
10. Be prepared for change.
Your needs and desires will change as you age, so you should probably reexamine your priorities at least every five years.
Identifying goals
You probably won't achieve every financial goal. But you can go farther than you think.
What are your top three financial objectives?
Most people, when asked that question, answer with general goals, such as achieving financial security.
The fact is, many of us haven't thought much about which financial objectives really matter most. Instead, we muddle through our financial lives, spending to meet the day-to-day expenses that dominate our attention.
That approach risks leaving your most important objectives unfulfilled.
That's what this lesson is all about: helping you identify the financial goals that matter most to you and making sure they happen.
That's not as easy as it sounds, since financial goals continually collide with one another. Paying for a child's braces may rob money that would otherwise go into his college fund, for example. And saving effectively for your kids' college can wipe out any hope of putting aside adequate money for your own retirement.
That's why to get what you want most you must 1) decide which goals will take priority and 2) work toward the lesser goals only after the really important ones are well provided for.
Fortunately, you have at least one ally in meeting your long-range goals: time. That's an advantage because of the power of compounding - the fact that even a small amount of money can earn interest, and that each year that interest gets applied to a growing sum of money.
Suppose, for example, you put aside only the cost of a single candy bar - about 65 cents - each day. Invested in a tax-deferred account paying 5 percent a year compounded monthly, that string of savings would grow to $3,073 in just 10 years and to $16,470 in 30 years.
For other examples of the way that money can grow over time, try CNNMoney.com's Savings Calculator.
To put the power of compounding on your side, you have to start early. Suppose there are two siblings who both invest in Individual Retirement Accounts earning 8 percent a year.
The sister starts at age 20, and for the next 10 years she stuffs $3,000 a year into her IRA. At age 30, though, she stops and never adds another penny.
Her brother waits until age 30 to get started, but then dutifully salts away $3,000 a year for the rest of his life. Which sibling do you think will be better off?
In this case, the early bird will always be ahead. The sister reaches age 65 with over $642,000, while her brother will have a little under $518,000 - about 20 percent less.
Of course, it's far better, to start early AND keep it up. If both siblings started saving $3,000 a year in an IRA at 20, and kept it up until retirement, each would end up with nearly $1.2 million.
The point is that to put time on your side, you need to decide early which of the many possible financial goals are really worth pursuing -- and start working toward them.
To get started, make a list of all the things that you'd need to feel secure, happy or fulfilled. These can range from the weighty (getting out of debt) to the luxurious (a Lamborghini). You don't need to prioritize them yet.
But you should try to put down all of the money-related things that will really get your motor started. And if you have a spouse or significant other, do this exercise together! Here are some common goals you may want to consider:
- Accumulating enough savings to handle an emergency situation
- Buying a house
- Getting out of debt -- and staying out
- Ensuring that your parents are comfortable and well taken care of in their old age
- Paying for your children's college education
- Amassing enough wealth to retire comfortably
Once you have your list in hand, push on to the next section where you'll determine which of these goals are most important to you.
Resolving conflicts
After you've clarified your priorities, what do you do with your new insight?
Each time you spend more than pocket change on a purchase that doesn't help you attain one of your chief goals, ask yourself whether the outlay is really necessary.
For example, let's say your highest priority is achieving financial independence. And let's say you've saved $4,000 to take the family on a vacation. If you take the trip, you'll be an additional $4,000 from kissing the time clock good-bye.
Of course, if your family has been expecting the trip for months, you'd be unfair to tell them that it's off. Instead, from the beginning you should have earmarked the cash for your investment portfolio and either planned a low-ticket vacation or worked a deal with family members to take the trip later.
Okay, you say, but that choice isn't terribly difficult. You're more concerned about tougher decisions -- choosing, for instance, among such priorities as health care, education, and savings.
All are important. How do you resolve conflicts among them? No single approach will work for everyone -- but here are some guidelines that help.
Is someone's health involved? If you believe that the ultimate purpose of money is to make life better, then you might decide that saving cash at the cost of your well being -- or of a relative's -- is a poor choice. For most people, someone's illness is the rainy day for which they've been saving.
How many people will be affected by my choice? Will one of your goals make your own life better while another will give equivalent help to two of your children? You could decide that when more people derive roughly equal benefit from a goal, its priority rises.
If two goals offer similar rewards, which causes the least harm? This method of selection is typically a last resort, but it can be useful when no other analysis helps you decide among options.
Most people, for example, have to decide between the kids' tuition and their own retirement savings. Well, if you know that you won't be able to live adequately on the money you expect from your pension and Social Security, then retirement savings should be paramount. As for the child in college, he can take out a tuition loan.
You can't put every nickel toward top priorities, of course -- nor should you. Instead, you need to set aside part of your income for current pleasures, so long as you have enough cash left over to put toward your long-range goals.
Also, remember that as the years go by, your priorities will change. You'll need to reexamine and rank your needs regularly in order to use your money most effectively.
When you can save a dollar, you need to decide why you're putting it away. In addition, if you acquire the habit of quickly rating the urgency of every big purchase against the primary financial goals you've set for yourself, you'll eventually find that your spending is under control.
Making Plans
Here are examples of plans you might draw up to meet three of the most common objectives: getting out of debt, paying for college, or financing your retirement:
Getting out of debt
If you struggle to meet credit-card payments every month, then face it: You probably need to shed or consolidate some of that debt.
For example, suppose you owe $3,000 in outstanding credit-card debt at a 16 percent interest rate and a $10,000 car loan at 9 percent. To pay off both these obligations in a year, you'd need to pony up $1,147 a month.
But if you are a home owner with equity in your property, you could borrow $13,000 on a home-equity loan at the same 9 percent and retire those other bills. Then your cost to pay off the home-equity loan in a year would be slightly lower - $1,137 a month - because you're no longer paying high credit-card rates of interest.
Moreover, because you can deduct the interest on most home-equity loans, you'd reduce your taxable income by $642 that year - a $212 saving for someone in the 33 percent federal tax bracket. In effect, the government would help pay off your expenses.
Of course, this kind of strategy works only if you also stop charging new items on your credit cards.
Paying for college
Tuition, room and board at a private college can cost upward of $30,000 a year, and that bill is projected to reach about $80,000 by the time this year's crop of newborns enter college.
Your children may qualify for financial aid either in the form of a scholarship or a loan, and many students work their way through college.
But if you want to spare your kids the burden of graduating in debt, there are a couple of good savings vehicles available to you. Most states now offer so-called 529 Plans - contributions go into in pre-selected mutual funds, grow tax-free each year, and withdrawals to pay tuition are also tax free.
You could also open a Coverdell Education Savings Account (previously called an Education IRA) that lets you put $2,000 a year, after taxes, into a bank account or other investments; earnings on that type of account are totally tax-free, provided the money is used for tuition when it's withdrawn.
It's amazing how far these plans will get you. For example, if you started putting $2,000 a year today into a Coverdell account earning 8 percent, after 18 years you'd have more than $80,000.
Financing a retirement
A popular rule of thumb says that retirees need only 70 percent of their pre-retirement income to maintain their lifestyle, since they no longer have to pay for such costs as commuting or for work clothes.
However, other costs go up in retirement, such as utility bills (if you're home all day), the price of hobbies and travel - and, of course, the cost of health care. In fact, some retirees find they need as much income in retirement as they spent while working.
Unfortunately, traditional pensions pay only a fraction of your salary, and Social Security won't make up the difference. In addition, the younger you are, the less certain you can be about how much money you'll receive at age 65 from any of the retirement plans you have today.
Why? Because Social Security benefits may be revised, and employers are free at any time to change their pension-plan formulas. (They can't do so retroactively - every retirement dollar that you've already qualified for is yours to keep.) Of course, Congress can change the laws governing retirement savings plans at any time.
Moreover, the bear market of the past few years has underscored the point that stocks can be extremely volatile in the short term, even if they remain among the most consistent performers over long periods. Thus, the stock portion of any retirement portfolio needs to take into account the possibility of sharp downturns.
To make your retirement finances secure, you need to contribute to as many different plans as possible. If you have a 401(k), 403(b), or 457 program at work, put in as much money as you can.
Most employers will match your contributions, giving you money for retirement that you won't get any other way. If you have no retirement plan at work, contribute to an IRA. Note that contributions to all of these plans are tax-deferred, so that you, Uncle Sam, and your boss together could be adding to your retirement stash.
Then to insure against possible new retirement-plan rules mandated by Congress, you need to have your own taxable savings plan as well -- ideally invested in stocks, bonds, or mutual funds, which can return more than bank accounts. Best of all, as your investing account grows, it can help you finance other goals.
1. Narrow your objectives.
You probably won't be able to achieve every financial goal you've ever dreamed of. So identify your goals clearly and why they matter to you, and decide which are most important. By concentrating your efforts, you have a better chance of achieving what matters most.
2. Focus first on the goals that matter.
To accomplish primary goals, you will often need to put desirable but less important ones on the back burner.
3. Be prepared for conflicts.
Even worthy goals often conflict with one another. When faced with such a conflict, you should ask yourself questions like: Will one of the conflicting goals benefit more people than the other? Which goal will cause the greater harm if it is deferred?
4. Put time on your side.
The most important ally you have in reaching your goals is time. Money stashed in interest-earning savings accounts or invested in stocks and bonds grows and compounds. The more time you have, the more chance you have of success. Your age is a big factor -- younger people (who have more time to build their nest egg) can invest differently than older ones.
5. Choose carefully.
In drawing up your list of goals, you should look for things that will help you feel financially secure, happy or fulfilled. Some of the items that wind up on such lists include building an emergency fund, getting out of debt, and paying kids' tuitions. Once you have your list together, you need to rank the items in order of importance.
6. Include family members.
If you have a spouse or significant other, make sure that person is part of the goal-setting process. Children, too, should have some say in goals that affect them.
7. Start now.
The longer you wait to identify and begin working toward your goals, the more difficulty you'll have reaching them.
8. Sweat the big stuff.
Once you have prioritized your list of goals, keep your spending on course. Whenever you make a large payment for anything ask yourself: "Is this taking me nearer to my primary goals -- or leading me further away from them?" If a big expense doesn't get you closer to your goals, try to defer or reduce it.
9. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Although this lesson encourages you to focus on big-ticket, long-range plans, most of life is lived in the here-and-now and most of what you spend will continue to be for daily expenses - including many that are simply for fun. That's okay - so long as your long-range needs are taken into consideration.
10. Be prepared for change.
Your needs and desires will change as you age, so you should probably reexamine your priorities at least every five years.
Identifying goals
You probably won't achieve every financial goal. But you can go farther than you think.
What are your top three financial objectives?
Most people, when asked that question, answer with general goals, such as achieving financial security.
The fact is, many of us haven't thought much about which financial objectives really matter most. Instead, we muddle through our financial lives, spending to meet the day-to-day expenses that dominate our attention.
That approach risks leaving your most important objectives unfulfilled.
That's what this lesson is all about: helping you identify the financial goals that matter most to you and making sure they happen.
That's not as easy as it sounds, since financial goals continually collide with one another. Paying for a child's braces may rob money that would otherwise go into his college fund, for example. And saving effectively for your kids' college can wipe out any hope of putting aside adequate money for your own retirement.
That's why to get what you want most you must 1) decide which goals will take priority and 2) work toward the lesser goals only after the really important ones are well provided for.
Fortunately, you have at least one ally in meeting your long-range goals: time. That's an advantage because of the power of compounding - the fact that even a small amount of money can earn interest, and that each year that interest gets applied to a growing sum of money.
Suppose, for example, you put aside only the cost of a single candy bar - about 65 cents - each day. Invested in a tax-deferred account paying 5 percent a year compounded monthly, that string of savings would grow to $3,073 in just 10 years and to $16,470 in 30 years.
For other examples of the way that money can grow over time, try CNNMoney.com's Savings Calculator.
To put the power of compounding on your side, you have to start early. Suppose there are two siblings who both invest in Individual Retirement Accounts earning 8 percent a year.
The sister starts at age 20, and for the next 10 years she stuffs $3,000 a year into her IRA. At age 30, though, she stops and never adds another penny.
Her brother waits until age 30 to get started, but then dutifully salts away $3,000 a year for the rest of his life. Which sibling do you think will be better off?
In this case, the early bird will always be ahead. The sister reaches age 65 with over $642,000, while her brother will have a little under $518,000 - about 20 percent less.
Of course, it's far better, to start early AND keep it up. If both siblings started saving $3,000 a year in an IRA at 20, and kept it up until retirement, each would end up with nearly $1.2 million.
The point is that to put time on your side, you need to decide early which of the many possible financial goals are really worth pursuing -- and start working toward them.
To get started, make a list of all the things that you'd need to feel secure, happy or fulfilled. These can range from the weighty (getting out of debt) to the luxurious (a Lamborghini). You don't need to prioritize them yet.
But you should try to put down all of the money-related things that will really get your motor started. And if you have a spouse or significant other, do this exercise together! Here are some common goals you may want to consider:
- Accumulating enough savings to handle an emergency situation
- Buying a house
- Getting out of debt -- and staying out
- Ensuring that your parents are comfortable and well taken care of in their old age
- Paying for your children's college education
- Amassing enough wealth to retire comfortably
Once you have your list in hand, push on to the next section where you'll determine which of these goals are most important to you.
Resolving conflicts
After you've clarified your priorities, what do you do with your new insight?
Each time you spend more than pocket change on a purchase that doesn't help you attain one of your chief goals, ask yourself whether the outlay is really necessary.
For example, let's say your highest priority is achieving financial independence. And let's say you've saved $4,000 to take the family on a vacation. If you take the trip, you'll be an additional $4,000 from kissing the time clock good-bye.
Of course, if your family has been expecting the trip for months, you'd be unfair to tell them that it's off. Instead, from the beginning you should have earmarked the cash for your investment portfolio and either planned a low-ticket vacation or worked a deal with family members to take the trip later.
Okay, you say, but that choice isn't terribly difficult. You're more concerned about tougher decisions -- choosing, for instance, among such priorities as health care, education, and savings.
All are important. How do you resolve conflicts among them? No single approach will work for everyone -- but here are some guidelines that help.
Is someone's health involved? If you believe that the ultimate purpose of money is to make life better, then you might decide that saving cash at the cost of your well being -- or of a relative's -- is a poor choice. For most people, someone's illness is the rainy day for which they've been saving.
How many people will be affected by my choice? Will one of your goals make your own life better while another will give equivalent help to two of your children? You could decide that when more people derive roughly equal benefit from a goal, its priority rises.
If two goals offer similar rewards, which causes the least harm? This method of selection is typically a last resort, but it can be useful when no other analysis helps you decide among options.
Most people, for example, have to decide between the kids' tuition and their own retirement savings. Well, if you know that you won't be able to live adequately on the money you expect from your pension and Social Security, then retirement savings should be paramount. As for the child in college, he can take out a tuition loan.
You can't put every nickel toward top priorities, of course -- nor should you. Instead, you need to set aside part of your income for current pleasures, so long as you have enough cash left over to put toward your long-range goals.
Also, remember that as the years go by, your priorities will change. You'll need to reexamine and rank your needs regularly in order to use your money most effectively.
When you can save a dollar, you need to decide why you're putting it away. In addition, if you acquire the habit of quickly rating the urgency of every big purchase against the primary financial goals you've set for yourself, you'll eventually find that your spending is under control.
Making Plans
Here are examples of plans you might draw up to meet three of the most common objectives: getting out of debt, paying for college, or financing your retirement:
Getting out of debt
If you struggle to meet credit-card payments every month, then face it: You probably need to shed or consolidate some of that debt.
For example, suppose you owe $3,000 in outstanding credit-card debt at a 16 percent interest rate and a $10,000 car loan at 9 percent. To pay off both these obligations in a year, you'd need to pony up $1,147 a month.
But if you are a home owner with equity in your property, you could borrow $13,000 on a home-equity loan at the same 9 percent and retire those other bills. Then your cost to pay off the home-equity loan in a year would be slightly lower - $1,137 a month - because you're no longer paying high credit-card rates of interest.
Moreover, because you can deduct the interest on most home-equity loans, you'd reduce your taxable income by $642 that year - a $212 saving for someone in the 33 percent federal tax bracket. In effect, the government would help pay off your expenses.
Of course, this kind of strategy works only if you also stop charging new items on your credit cards.
Paying for college
Tuition, room and board at a private college can cost upward of $30,000 a year, and that bill is projected to reach about $80,000 by the time this year's crop of newborns enter college.
Your children may qualify for financial aid either in the form of a scholarship or a loan, and many students work their way through college.
But if you want to spare your kids the burden of graduating in debt, there are a couple of good savings vehicles available to you. Most states now offer so-called 529 Plans - contributions go into in pre-selected mutual funds, grow tax-free each year, and withdrawals to pay tuition are also tax free.
You could also open a Coverdell Education Savings Account (previously called an Education IRA) that lets you put $2,000 a year, after taxes, into a bank account or other investments; earnings on that type of account are totally tax-free, provided the money is used for tuition when it's withdrawn.
It's amazing how far these plans will get you. For example, if you started putting $2,000 a year today into a Coverdell account earning 8 percent, after 18 years you'd have more than $80,000.
Financing a retirement
A popular rule of thumb says that retirees need only 70 percent of their pre-retirement income to maintain their lifestyle, since they no longer have to pay for such costs as commuting or for work clothes.
However, other costs go up in retirement, such as utility bills (if you're home all day), the price of hobbies and travel - and, of course, the cost of health care. In fact, some retirees find they need as much income in retirement as they spent while working.
Unfortunately, traditional pensions pay only a fraction of your salary, and Social Security won't make up the difference. In addition, the younger you are, the less certain you can be about how much money you'll receive at age 65 from any of the retirement plans you have today.
Why? Because Social Security benefits may be revised, and employers are free at any time to change their pension-plan formulas. (They can't do so retroactively - every retirement dollar that you've already qualified for is yours to keep.) Of course, Congress can change the laws governing retirement savings plans at any time.
Moreover, the bear market of the past few years has underscored the point that stocks can be extremely volatile in the short term, even if they remain among the most consistent performers over long periods. Thus, the stock portion of any retirement portfolio needs to take into account the possibility of sharp downturns.
To make your retirement finances secure, you need to contribute to as many different plans as possible. If you have a 401(k), 403(b), or 457 program at work, put in as much money as you can.
Most employers will match your contributions, giving you money for retirement that you won't get any other way. If you have no retirement plan at work, contribute to an IRA. Note that contributions to all of these plans are tax-deferred, so that you, Uncle Sam, and your boss together could be adding to your retirement stash.
Then to insure against possible new retirement-plan rules mandated by Congress, you need to have your own taxable savings plan as well -- ideally invested in stocks, bonds, or mutual funds, which can return more than bank accounts. Best of all, as your investing account grows, it can help you finance other goals.
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