Happy Periods

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.
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Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will
adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As
brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri
pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while
in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body
and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed
on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself
in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to
take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.