Depression Triggers

I do not do not DO NOT understand my triggery things. I can handle a whole crap ton of hard vicious shit being dumped on me all at once, no trigger.

• Mom's cancer diagnosis - emotions go on the back burner and you push & shove until she has been cleared, surgery has been completed, and she is on her way to 100% better. 
• Divorce - pack & clean house, find a new place to live, push forward at work and home
• Dad having prostate problems - I can deal with this shit
• Work drama and travel and BOREDOM - I love it, come on give me more
• Friendship disintegration , betrayal, doom - I pass with flying colors.

But you let the "little" things hit and I turn into a basket case.

• Bunny forgot a date and scheduled a MC meeting that night.
• An ex calls him
• My happiness jar gets shattered
• A painting doesn't get as many comments/likes/etc 

I have spent the past month curled in the fetal position barely able to get out of bed. Why? Because my BF decided to cancel on our date, so he could join a motorcycle club. WTF? 

Tired of Drowning

Falling

I'm falling deeper and deeper into the darkness, I feel it pulling, tugging, eroding my hard won fortress of happiness. It leaks under the door and creeps across the floor, tangling my feet as I move through my day to day life.

The bad thing, the sad thing, the mad thing is no one sees it coming, but I do.

I know it's there lurking about, waiting to make all the colors muted and murky, all the movements sticky and jerky.

"Pull yourself out" says the BF when I mention a brain set to implode.

"Work in your art journal" says the mother who knows I am teetering.

"What's wrong with you" says the friend you confide in "why can't you just be happy"

I'm trying - I'm trying - it's just the deep dark seeps in and steals away my breath, making me question everything everyone. I'd light a candle to chase it all away, but how does a candle hold up to the enemy sneaking into my brain, holding my Joy hostage.

Sometimes falling is the only option. Then it gets over faster and I can start to heal for the next round.

Slowly drowning

"Depression feels like a rock slowly sinking to the bottom of a dark lake." 

I don't know why I'm sinking again, I just know that I am. Nothing is helping to "snap" me out of it:

• New book ~ Eat Pray Love ~ Just lead to me feeling unfulfilled with my current state
• New outfit ~ went shopping, just felt fat
• New diet ~ I'm hungry all the time
• New art project ~ I shouldn't have spent so much money & I don't know where to start
• New hair style ~ can't get an appointment for 2 weeks & I don't feel like dying my hair myself
• Sex ~ why bother, it's not going to change anything
• New patio ~ haven't been able to get the BF to paint, so everything else is on hold

Sometimes these things work and I can pull myself up & out of the darkness that is coming, and I tell myself I'm not depressed, maybe its a bad mood or a bad day or most commonly my sleep schedule got off track (I'm really really good/bad at this one). 

But when everything I try doesn't work, I feel like a failure, which leads to sinking further down. 

• Energy levels tank. 
• Don't want to get out of bed. 
• Eat junk food.
• Sleep. 
• Lay in bed staring at the ceiling. 
• Stop communicating with everyone. 
• and I sink deeper into the darkness.

So my BF starts turning to the smell of lemons & coconuts, hot baths, critter cuddles, and kisses, but he is making it worse, and I don't know how to tell him, so I cling to the numbing quality of sleep, hoping it will make things better, but it doesn't. So I stop caring. I stop responding. Then I eat more junk food and the tears start. It is no longer a choice, really.