Field Guide to Pagans

1. BRIGHT EYED NOVICE.
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's _goddesses_ and gods, and they meet outside, in nature, instead of in some scary old building, and you want to know where to sign up.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is widdershins and which is deosil. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame").

2. I REMEMBER WOODSTOCK.
Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped with Kerry Wendell Thornley? Or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. I was pretty loaded. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people who had one name?

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've read about.

3. TREEHUGGING NATURE SPIRIT.
Prize possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in detail.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no eco-exploitative garments, no animal tested cosmetics, no cigarette smoke, no drugs, no TV, no car, no corporations, yet very tolerant.

4. ANAL-RETENTIVE CEREMONIAL.
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is trying to learn how to speak Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals." Has a web site that is all in Enochian.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Dresses according to planetary coordinates, or according to what Mom finds on sale at Wal-Mart.

5. WOMYNCENTRIC GYNOCRAT.
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three months purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full moon club.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes, just the right size for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

6. IS THIS WHERE THE BIG, SMART WOMEN HANG OUT?
Oh, they're so nice. All that warm, round, sex positive flesh . . . and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms . . . pant, drool.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Will recite love poetry to you under the full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.