Slowly drowning


"Depression feels like a rock slowly sinking to the bottom of a dark lake." 

I don't know why I'm sinking again, I just know that I am. Nothing is helping to "snap" me out of it:
  • New book ~ Eat Pray Love ~ Just lead to me feeling unfulfilled with my current state
  • New outfit ~ went shopping, just felt fat
  • New diet ~ I'm hungry all the time
  • New art project ~ I shouldn't have spent so much money & I don't know where to start
  • New hair style ~ can't get an appointment for 2 weeks & I don't feel like dying my hair myself
  • Sex ~ why bother, it's not going to change anything
  • New patio ~ haven't been able to get the BF to paint, so everything else is on hold
Sometimes these things work and I can pull myself up & out of the darkness that is coming, and I tell myself I'm not depressed, maybe its a bad mood or a bad day or most commonly my sleep schedule got off track (I'm really really good/bad at this one). 

But when everything I try doesn't work, I feel like a failure, which leads to sinking further down. 
  • Energy levels tank. 
  • Don't want to get out of bed. 
  • Eat junk food.
  • Sleep. 
  • Lay in bed staring at the ceiling. 
  • Stop communicating with everyone. 
  • and I sink deeper into the darkness.
So my BF starts turning to the smell of lemons & coconuts, hot baths, critter cuddles, and kisses, but he is making it worse, and I don't know how to tell him, so I cling to the numbing quality of sleep, hoping it will make things better, but it doesn't. So I stop caring. I stop responding. Then I eat more junk food and the tears start. It is no longer a choice, really. 




2 comments :

  1. Stopping by from Effy’s blog along... Sending you big hugs. MoonSong

    ReplyDelete