Feeling Blah

Please don't read if you get triggered by posts about depression.

I'm feeling blah, my usual glitter and rainbows are hidden behind dark murky storm clouds. 

I'm hurting from the tips of my toes to the crown of my head and 

there isn't any thing I can do about it. 

Everything hurts. 

I want to curl up in a ball and sleep until I just simply can't wake up.

I want to scream and shout and smack the world. 

I need someone to lean on, 

someone to tell me it's all going to be okay 

and hug me 

and call me Princess, 

but I also want to run away and hide in the darkness 

caressing the broken pieces of my heart & soul.

Depression is difficult to explain. 

If you have experienced it there is no need to explain it.

And if you haven’t had the joy  (my sarcasm font of the day) of experiencing it, then there is just simply not enough words to adequately describe the absolute horror that clutches onto your soul when you feel that shadow trickling in and none of your lights are working.

Depression causes actual physical pain. 

Depression is pure mental torture.

It's like the pain & desperation seeps into every pore of your skin, into every atom of your being. And it doesn't just happen once, it is a never ending flood of tears, waves and waves of utter despair, the bleakness and hopelessness that fill you up from the inside out.

You long for peace but even not even sleep provides it. 

Because depression wrecks your dreams and turns your days into a living nightmare. 

Depression makes it impossible to fall asleep and even more impossible to stay asleep.

Depression destroys your personality.

Depression decimates your relationships with your family and friends.

Depression makes maintaining your work, your social life impossible.

Depression affects everything. Everything? EVERRRRYTHING! 

Your ability to give and receive affection is gone. 

You tear at your skin and your hair with frustration. 

You want to grab this intruder and smash it to bits, but you can’t get a hold of it. 

 You go to sleep hoping, praying not to wake up. 

You rack your brain seeing is there something you done in your life that justifies this suffering. 

You pour your depression into art and then despise everything you do, because it's dark and ugly.

You try yoga and meditation and hot bubbly baths and chocolate.

You watch cartoons and comedies and TV shows that used to make you laugh.

And nothing works.

Nothing helps.