Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.
Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.
Showing posts with label Just Laugh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just Laugh. Show all posts
Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names
(Note:Someone sent this to me in an email - if anyone knows the actual person that wrote this - please send me a message letting me know who to credit)
Intro:
In the Olde Days, when our pagan ancestors were going through the persecutions we now invoke to justify various kinds of current silliness, witches took craft names to conceal their identities and avoid those annoying visits by the Inquisition. In the course of years, it was noticed that these aliases could also be used as a foundation for building up a magical personality, carrying out various kinds of transformative work on the self, and the like. It's clear, though, that these were mere distractions from the real purpose lying hidden within the craft name tradition. It took contact with other sources of ancient, mystic lore--such as the SCA, role-playing games, and assorted fantasy trilogies--to awaken the Craft to the innermost secret of craft names: they make really cool fashion statements.
It's in this spirit that Lady Pixie Moondrip offers the following guidelines to choosing your own craft name. Such a guide is long overdue; the point of fashion, after all, is that it allows you to express your own utterly unique individuality by doing exactly the same thing as everyone else. (Those who are particularly drawn to this element of the craft name tradition will find the Random Craft Name Generator near the end of this guide especially useful.)
The approaches given here can be used separately, or combined in a single name to produce any number of interesting effects. Given enough cleverness (and lack of taste), the possibilities are endless!
Starting Off Right:
Whatever else you do, you should certainly begin your craft name with "Lord" or "Lady". First of all, it's pretentious, and that's always a good way to start. Secondly, it makes an interesting statement about a religion that supposedly has its roots in the traditions of peasants and rural tribes-peoples. Thirdly, since most Craft groups use exactly these same words for the God and Goddess, this creates a (by no means inappropriate) confusion about just who it is we worship.
Divine Names:
Along the same lines, you can always take the name of a god, a goddess, a mythological being, or a legendary hero as your craft name, thus putting yourself on the same level as the powers you invoke. Having once watched two 15-year-old boys get into a fist-fight over which had the right to call himself "Lord Merlin", Lady Pixie has a high opinion of the possibilities of this approach. She notes, however, that there seems to be an unwritten law among those who have made use of this type of name already, and it's no doubt wisest to follow suit: the more grandiose the name that you choose, the more of a complete nebbish you should be. Nearly anyone can carry off, say, "Lady Niwalen", but it takes a special kind of person to handle a name like "Lord Jehovah God Almighty". Fortunately, there are those among us who are equal to the task.
Nonhumans:
A related approach involves taking a name that implies (or, better yet, states openly) that you are an elf, or some other kind of nonhuman magical being. This works best if you are willing to act the part obsessively, and to get really petulant when anyone fails to respond accordingly. Subtlety should be avoided; nobody will catch something like "Lord Elrandir" unless they know Tolkien inside and out. Try something more like "Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live Elf".
Fantasy Fiction:
The burgeoning field of fantasy fiction offers another source for fashionable craft names, and in many cases, for interesting complications as well. One popular approach is to choose the name of your favorite character; as with nonhumans, this works best if you play the part, and and throw a tantrum unless everyone else plays along. Given luck and a sense of the popular, you may be able to choose everyone else's favorite character, too, and end up tussling over a name with a dozen other people. (Mercedes Lackey is a good author to try if this is your goal.) Both this and the last category have the added advantage of making it clear that, as far as you are concerned,the Craft is simply a setting for make-believe games; this can help spare you the annoyance of actually having to learn something about it.
Inventing a Name From Scratch:
The best way to do this is to come up with something that sounds, say, vaguely Celtic, perhaps by mangling a couple of existing names together, and then resolutely avoid looking it up in a Welsh or Gaelic dictionary. Luck is an important factor here, but there is always the chance that you'll manage something striking. It took one person of Lady Pixie's acquaintance only a few minutes to blur together "Gwydion, son of Don" and "Girion, Lord of Dale" into the craft name "Lord Gwyrionin", and several months to find out that the name he had invented, and used throughout the local pagan scene, was also the Welsh word for "idiot".
Following a Grand Tradition:
Though the ink is barely dry on most of our modern pagan "traditions", there's at least one ancient European tradition that many people in the Craft follow: the tradition of stealing things from non-European peoples. Fake Native American craft names are always chic, especially if the closest thing to contact with Native American sprituality you've ever had is watching "Dances With Wolves" at a beer party. Better still, mix whatever Craft teachings you've absorbed with a few ideas you picked up from a Michael Harner book, break out the buckskings and the medicine pouches, and proclaim yourself a shaman. Mind you, there are people out there who have received real Native American medicine teachings, and they may just turn you into hamburger if you piss them off; still, that's the risk you run if you want to be really trendy.
The Random Craft Name Generator:
On the other hand, if you are individualistic (like everyone else), you may be looking for a name that expresses the uniqueness of your personality but still sounds like all the other craft names you've ever heard. Fortunately, this isn't too hard. Several years back, a gentleman of Lady Pixie's acquaintance told her that the best way to get laid at a pagan gathering was to have the PA system announce, "Will Morgan and Raven please come to the information booth?" Since the resulting crowd would include at least a third of the female attendees, he went on, it wouldn't be too hard to meet someone interesting. While Lady Pixie has not tried this herself, she has tested the principle behind it in a series of controlled double-blind experiments, and discovered a rule that she has modestly named Moondrip's Law: 80% of all craft names are made up of the same thirty words, combined in various (but not particularly imaginative) ways.
The discovery of this principle has allowed her to make the once-difficult task of creating craft names easy, by means of the Random Craft Name Generator, release 1.0. To use the RCNG, take either two or three of the following words (using any convenient randomizing method, including personal preference). If you take two, simply run them together; if you take three, one of the words becomes the first part of the name, and the other two are combined to form the second.
Try it out: "Rowan Moonstar", "Raven Blackthorn", "Silver Ravenw..."--uh, never mind. (Note that this list will change with shifts in fashion; Lady Pixie expects to bring out an upgrade, RCNG 2.0, in a year or two.)
For the expanded version (RCNG 1.01), come up with a name by any of the methods covered elsewhere in this guide, or take some Native American, Gaelic, or just an ordinary name, and add a two-word name produced by the RCNG to the end: "Gwydion Silvertree", "Sybil Moonwitch", "Squatting Buffalo Firewater". The possibilities are endless!
Conclusion:
It may be said by the narrow-minded (who are probably all covert Christians, anyway) that members of the Craft have better things to do with their time than the above guidelines would suggest. This shows a complete lack of insight. First of all, in an increasingly blase and tolerant culture, it's becoming hard for white middle-class Americans to get that rush of self-righteous gratification that comes from pretending to be members of a persecuted minority; we may not be able to get burned at the stake by calling ourselves silly names, but at least we can get laughed at, and that's something. Secondly, if we keep on treating craft names (and the Craft as a whole) as fashion statements, that spares us the unpleasant drudgery of actually learning magick and making it a part of our lives. Finally, if we're pretentious enough, those people who actually know enough to magick themselves out of a wet paper bag will roll their eyes and go somewhere else, and we can keep fighting our witch wars, casting vast astral whammies, and invoking powers we don't have a clue how to control--all in the serene certainty that no one is actually going to get hurt.
On the other hand, we could take the Craft seriously...but who wants to do that?
--Lady Pixie Moondrip
Intro:
In the Olde Days, when our pagan ancestors were going through the persecutions we now invoke to justify various kinds of current silliness, witches took craft names to conceal their identities and avoid those annoying visits by the Inquisition. In the course of years, it was noticed that these aliases could also be used as a foundation for building up a magical personality, carrying out various kinds of transformative work on the self, and the like. It's clear, though, that these were mere distractions from the real purpose lying hidden within the craft name tradition. It took contact with other sources of ancient, mystic lore--such as the SCA, role-playing games, and assorted fantasy trilogies--to awaken the Craft to the innermost secret of craft names: they make really cool fashion statements.
It's in this spirit that Lady Pixie Moondrip offers the following guidelines to choosing your own craft name. Such a guide is long overdue; the point of fashion, after all, is that it allows you to express your own utterly unique individuality by doing exactly the same thing as everyone else. (Those who are particularly drawn to this element of the craft name tradition will find the Random Craft Name Generator near the end of this guide especially useful.)
The approaches given here can be used separately, or combined in a single name to produce any number of interesting effects. Given enough cleverness (and lack of taste), the possibilities are endless!
Starting Off Right:
Whatever else you do, you should certainly begin your craft name with "Lord" or "Lady". First of all, it's pretentious, and that's always a good way to start. Secondly, it makes an interesting statement about a religion that supposedly has its roots in the traditions of peasants and rural tribes-peoples. Thirdly, since most Craft groups use exactly these same words for the God and Goddess, this creates a (by no means inappropriate) confusion about just who it is we worship.
Divine Names:
Along the same lines, you can always take the name of a god, a goddess, a mythological being, or a legendary hero as your craft name, thus putting yourself on the same level as the powers you invoke. Having once watched two 15-year-old boys get into a fist-fight over which had the right to call himself "Lord Merlin", Lady Pixie has a high opinion of the possibilities of this approach. She notes, however, that there seems to be an unwritten law among those who have made use of this type of name already, and it's no doubt wisest to follow suit: the more grandiose the name that you choose, the more of a complete nebbish you should be. Nearly anyone can carry off, say, "Lady Niwalen", but it takes a special kind of person to handle a name like "Lord Jehovah God Almighty". Fortunately, there are those among us who are equal to the task.
Nonhumans:
A related approach involves taking a name that implies (or, better yet, states openly) that you are an elf, or some other kind of nonhuman magical being. This works best if you are willing to act the part obsessively, and to get really petulant when anyone fails to respond accordingly. Subtlety should be avoided; nobody will catch something like "Lord Elrandir" unless they know Tolkien inside and out. Try something more like "Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live Elf".
Fantasy Fiction:
The burgeoning field of fantasy fiction offers another source for fashionable craft names, and in many cases, for interesting complications as well. One popular approach is to choose the name of your favorite character; as with nonhumans, this works best if you play the part, and and throw a tantrum unless everyone else plays along. Given luck and a sense of the popular, you may be able to choose everyone else's favorite character, too, and end up tussling over a name with a dozen other people. (Mercedes Lackey is a good author to try if this is your goal.) Both this and the last category have the added advantage of making it clear that, as far as you are concerned,the Craft is simply a setting for make-believe games; this can help spare you the annoyance of actually having to learn something about it.
Inventing a Name From Scratch:
The best way to do this is to come up with something that sounds, say, vaguely Celtic, perhaps by mangling a couple of existing names together, and then resolutely avoid looking it up in a Welsh or Gaelic dictionary. Luck is an important factor here, but there is always the chance that you'll manage something striking. It took one person of Lady Pixie's acquaintance only a few minutes to blur together "Gwydion, son of Don" and "Girion, Lord of Dale" into the craft name "Lord Gwyrionin", and several months to find out that the name he had invented, and used throughout the local pagan scene, was also the Welsh word for "idiot".
Following a Grand Tradition:
Though the ink is barely dry on most of our modern pagan "traditions", there's at least one ancient European tradition that many people in the Craft follow: the tradition of stealing things from non-European peoples. Fake Native American craft names are always chic, especially if the closest thing to contact with Native American sprituality you've ever had is watching "Dances With Wolves" at a beer party. Better still, mix whatever Craft teachings you've absorbed with a few ideas you picked up from a Michael Harner book, break out the buckskings and the medicine pouches, and proclaim yourself a shaman. Mind you, there are people out there who have received real Native American medicine teachings, and they may just turn you into hamburger if you piss them off; still, that's the risk you run if you want to be really trendy.
The Random Craft Name Generator:
On the other hand, if you are individualistic (like everyone else), you may be looking for a name that expresses the uniqueness of your personality but still sounds like all the other craft names you've ever heard. Fortunately, this isn't too hard. Several years back, a gentleman of Lady Pixie's acquaintance told her that the best way to get laid at a pagan gathering was to have the PA system announce, "Will Morgan and Raven please come to the information booth?" Since the resulting crowd would include at least a third of the female attendees, he went on, it wouldn't be too hard to meet someone interesting. While Lady Pixie has not tried this herself, she has tested the principle behind it in a series of controlled double-blind experiments, and discovered a rule that she has modestly named Moondrip's Law: 80% of all craft names are made up of the same thirty words, combined in various (but not particularly imaginative) ways.
The discovery of this principle has allowed her to make the once-difficult task of creating craft names easy, by means of the Random Craft Name Generator, release 1.0. To use the RCNG, take either two or three of the following words (using any convenient randomizing method, including personal preference). If you take two, simply run them together; if you take three, one of the words becomes the first part of the name, and the other two are combined to form the second.
| Wolf | Swan | Hawk | Raven | Eagle | Feather |
| Moon | Star | Sun | Night | Snow | Cloud |
| Silver | White | Black | Green | Red | Mist |
| Sky | Water | Wind | Fire | Sea | Storm |
| Song | Witch | Rowan | Tree | Thorn | Leaf |
Try it out: "Rowan Moonstar", "Raven Blackthorn", "Silver Ravenw..."--uh, never mind. (Note that this list will change with shifts in fashion; Lady Pixie expects to bring out an upgrade, RCNG 2.0, in a year or two.)
For the expanded version (RCNG 1.01), come up with a name by any of the methods covered elsewhere in this guide, or take some Native American, Gaelic, or just an ordinary name, and add a two-word name produced by the RCNG to the end: "Gwydion Silvertree", "Sybil Moonwitch", "Squatting Buffalo Firewater". The possibilities are endless!
Conclusion:
It may be said by the narrow-minded (who are probably all covert Christians, anyway) that members of the Craft have better things to do with their time than the above guidelines would suggest. This shows a complete lack of insight. First of all, in an increasingly blase and tolerant culture, it's becoming hard for white middle-class Americans to get that rush of self-righteous gratification that comes from pretending to be members of a persecuted minority; we may not be able to get burned at the stake by calling ourselves silly names, but at least we can get laughed at, and that's something. Secondly, if we keep on treating craft names (and the Craft as a whole) as fashion statements, that spares us the unpleasant drudgery of actually learning magick and making it a part of our lives. Finally, if we're pretentious enough, those people who actually know enough to magick themselves out of a wet paper bag will roll their eyes and go somewhere else, and we can keep fighting our witch wars, casting vast astral whammies, and invoking powers we don't have a clue how to control--all in the serene certainty that no one is actually going to get hurt.
On the other hand, we could take the Craft seriously...but who wants to do that?
--Lady Pixie Moondrip
Pagan Bumperstickers
• A Day Without Fairies Is Like A Day Without Sunshine
• A Garden is a Mystical Alter
• All Acts of Love & Pleasure Are My Rituals
• Ankh if you love ISIS.
• Ankh if you love RA.
• Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch
• As Above So Below
• Back Off, I'm a Goddess.
• BE WITCHED.
• Beam Me Back Merlin
• Blessed Be
• Born Again & Again & Again
• Born again Pagan.
• Caution: I brake for Fairies, Unicorns, Dragons, and other invisible creatures that only I can see
• Celebrate Goddess!
• Child of the Goddess
• Christianity has Pagan DNA
• Dear God, Please Save Me From Your "Good People"
• Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy & Good with Ketchup
• Dogs Come When You Call Them, Cats Have Answering Machines
• Doing My Part To Piss Off The Religious Right
• Don't Follow Me, I'm Following My Bliss
• Don't make me get Voodoo on your ass.
• Dragon Parking Only
• Dragons Are Hot Lovers
• Drowning in the Mainstream
• Dyslexic Devil Worshippers Sell Their Souls To Santa
• Earth, Air, Fire & Water Bind Us To Her
• Enchanted
• Every day's a holiday when you're pagan!
• Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind.
• Freedom of Religion Means Any Religion
• Get a Taste of Religion. Lick a Witch
• Give me that old-time religion
• God Is Coming And Is She Pissed
• Goddess Bless America
• Goddess in training!
• Goddess is alive and magic is about!
• Goddess on board!
• Goddess on the loose
• Goddess Worshipper
• Great Goddess Great Horned God, Moon's Wink And Magic's Nod!
• Growing Old Is Mandatory…Growing Up is Optional
• Hail & Farewell
• Hand to Hand We Cast the Circle
• Happy Heathen
• Harm None, Do What Ye Will.
• Hatred is Learned Behavior
• Have a Faerie Nice Day!
• Have You Hugged A Witch Today?
• Here I Am. Now What Were Your Other Two Wishes
• Hey! Who Replaced My Broom with a Mop
• How Dare You Presume I`m Christian!
• I Am a Goddess
• I am Not a Bitch, I'm THE Bitch & that's Miss Bitch to you
• I Believe In Dragons, Good Men And Other Fantasy Creatures
• I Believe In Magic
• I Didn't Do It, But If I Could, I Would Have
• I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute
• I Found Jesus, He was Behind the Sofa the Whole Time
• I Thank the Goddess that I am a Witch
• I Walk the Path of the Ancient Ones
• I'd love to help, but I misplaced My wand
• If Only Closed Minds Came with Closed Mouths
• If you think "our Father in Heaven" is angry, wait 'till MOM finds out!
• I'm In The Witchcraft Industry. What About You?
• I'm Pagan & I vote!
• In Goddess we trust
• In Perfect Love & Perfect Trust"
• Instead of Being Born Again, Why Not Just Grow Up?
• Isis Astarte Diana Hecate Demeter Kali Inanna
• Isis Isis Ra Ra Ra
• It`s A Druid Thing
• It`s A Witch Thing, You Wouldn`t Understand
• It`s Your Hell You Burn In It
• Jezebel was a feminist. No wonder she got such a bad rap.
• Licensed Broom Pilot!
• Life is a Witch, and then you fly
• Lilith wouldn't submit, God always had a problem with that.
• Madness takes its Toll. Please Have Exact Change.
• Magic Happens
• Merry Meet & Merry Part and Merry Meet Again!
• My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God
• My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
• My mother is a Goddess.
• My other car is a broom
• My other vehicle is a broom stick!
• No War Has Ever Been Fought in the Name of Wicca
• No, That Is Not A Star Of David
• Nothin` Says Lovin` Like Somethin` from the Coven
• Obedient Women Are Never Remembered in History
• Out of Body, Back in five Minutes.
• Out of the Broom Closet.
• Pagan and Proud!
• Pagans make better lovers.
• Pagans make the best of friends, they worship the ground you walk upon.
• Pan Pipes, Pan Plays, Pan's Delight
• Perfectly Pagan!
• Power on, Magic on, All systems are go, We have Lift out!
• Powered by broom fuel.
• Protected by Witchcraft!
• Resurrection? Been there, done that. Can you say "Isis and Osiris"?
• She Changes Everything She Touches
• Something Wiccan This Way Comes
• Sorry I missed church I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian
• Take a whammy from my athame.
• Tastes Like Wiccan
• The Goddess does not seek worship – she rejoices in being vividly imagined.
• The Goddess is alive and magic is afoot
• The Goddess loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
• The Witch of the West was Framed!
• To Know, To Will, To Dare & To Keep Silent
• Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper
• Trust In God, She Will Provide
• Under protection of the Goddess.
• Very Pagan Person!
• W.A.S.P. White Anglo Saxon Pagan!
• Warning Invisible Dragon in Back Seat
• We All come from the Goddess
• Where Goddess Goes, Magic Grows.
• Where There`s a Witch, There's a Way
• White Witch!
• Wiccan Army: We will not fly silently into the night!
• Wiccans Are Spellbinding People
• Witch Wagon - Tailgaters will be Toad!
• Witch: My other vehicle is a broom stick.
• Witches are Crafty People!
• Witches are just so crafty!
• Witches do it in circles!
• Witches Don`t Fly Off The Handle
• Witches Heal!
• Witches Parking (all others will be toad)
• Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum.
• Wizard Wagon - Tailgaters will be toad!
• Wizards have crystal balls & Halloween - what have you got?
• Yes, I am a Witch. Deal With It!
• You call her mother nature, I call her Goddess.
• A Garden is a Mystical Alter
• All Acts of Love & Pleasure Are My Rituals
• Ankh if you love ISIS.
• Ankh if you love RA.
• Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch
• As Above So Below
• Back Off, I'm a Goddess.
• BE WITCHED.
• Beam Me Back Merlin
• Blessed Be
• Born Again & Again & Again
• Born again Pagan.
• Caution: I brake for Fairies, Unicorns, Dragons, and other invisible creatures that only I can see
• Celebrate Goddess!
• Child of the Goddess
• Christianity has Pagan DNA
• Dear God, Please Save Me From Your "Good People"
• Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy & Good with Ketchup
• Dogs Come When You Call Them, Cats Have Answering Machines
• Doing My Part To Piss Off The Religious Right
• Don't Follow Me, I'm Following My Bliss
• Don't make me get Voodoo on your ass.
• Dragon Parking Only
• Dragons Are Hot Lovers
• Drowning in the Mainstream
• Dyslexic Devil Worshippers Sell Their Souls To Santa
• Earth, Air, Fire & Water Bind Us To Her
• Enchanted
• Every day's a holiday when you're pagan!
• Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind.
• Freedom of Religion Means Any Religion
• Get a Taste of Religion. Lick a Witch
• Give me that old-time religion
• God Is Coming And Is She Pissed
• Goddess Bless America
• Goddess in training!
• Goddess is alive and magic is about!
• Goddess on board!
• Goddess on the loose
• Goddess Worshipper
• Great Goddess Great Horned God, Moon's Wink And Magic's Nod!
• Growing Old Is Mandatory…Growing Up is Optional
• Hail & Farewell
• Hand to Hand We Cast the Circle
• Happy Heathen
• Harm None, Do What Ye Will.
• Hatred is Learned Behavior
• Have a Faerie Nice Day!
• Have You Hugged A Witch Today?
• Here I Am. Now What Were Your Other Two Wishes
• Hey! Who Replaced My Broom with a Mop
• How Dare You Presume I`m Christian!
• I Am a Goddess
• I am Not a Bitch, I'm THE Bitch & that's Miss Bitch to you
• I Believe In Dragons, Good Men And Other Fantasy Creatures
• I Believe In Magic
• I Didn't Do It, But If I Could, I Would Have
• I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute
• I Found Jesus, He was Behind the Sofa the Whole Time
• I Thank the Goddess that I am a Witch
• I Walk the Path of the Ancient Ones
• I'd love to help, but I misplaced My wand
• If Only Closed Minds Came with Closed Mouths
• If you think "our Father in Heaven" is angry, wait 'till MOM finds out!
• I'm In The Witchcraft Industry. What About You?
• I'm Pagan & I vote!
• In Goddess we trust
• In Perfect Love & Perfect Trust"
• Instead of Being Born Again, Why Not Just Grow Up?
• Isis Astarte Diana Hecate Demeter Kali Inanna
• Isis Isis Ra Ra Ra
• It`s A Druid Thing
• It`s A Witch Thing, You Wouldn`t Understand
• It`s Your Hell You Burn In It
• Jezebel was a feminist. No wonder she got such a bad rap.
• Licensed Broom Pilot!
• Life is a Witch, and then you fly
• Lilith wouldn't submit, God always had a problem with that.
• Madness takes its Toll. Please Have Exact Change.
• Magic Happens
• Merry Meet & Merry Part and Merry Meet Again!
• My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God
• My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
• My mother is a Goddess.
• My other car is a broom
• My other vehicle is a broom stick!
• No War Has Ever Been Fought in the Name of Wicca
• No, That Is Not A Star Of David
• Nothin` Says Lovin` Like Somethin` from the Coven
• Obedient Women Are Never Remembered in History
• Out of Body, Back in five Minutes.
• Out of the Broom Closet.
• Pagan and Proud!
• Pagans make better lovers.
• Pagans make the best of friends, they worship the ground you walk upon.
• Pan Pipes, Pan Plays, Pan's Delight
• Perfectly Pagan!
• Power on, Magic on, All systems are go, We have Lift out!
• Powered by broom fuel.
• Protected by Witchcraft!
• Resurrection? Been there, done that. Can you say "Isis and Osiris"?
• She Changes Everything She Touches
• Something Wiccan This Way Comes
• Sorry I missed church I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian
• Take a whammy from my athame.
• Tastes Like Wiccan
• The Goddess does not seek worship – she rejoices in being vividly imagined.
• The Goddess is alive and magic is afoot
• The Goddess loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
• The Witch of the West was Framed!
• To Know, To Will, To Dare & To Keep Silent
• Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper
• Trust In God, She Will Provide
• Under protection of the Goddess.
• Very Pagan Person!
• W.A.S.P. White Anglo Saxon Pagan!
• Warning Invisible Dragon in Back Seat
• We All come from the Goddess
• Where Goddess Goes, Magic Grows.
• Where There`s a Witch, There's a Way
• White Witch!
• Wiccan Army: We will not fly silently into the night!
• Wiccans Are Spellbinding People
• Witch Wagon - Tailgaters will be Toad!
• Witch: My other vehicle is a broom stick.
• Witches are Crafty People!
• Witches are just so crafty!
• Witches do it in circles!
• Witches Don`t Fly Off The Handle
• Witches Heal!
• Witches Parking (all others will be toad)
• Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum.
• Wizard Wagon - Tailgaters will be toad!
• Wizards have crystal balls & Halloween - what have you got?
• Yes, I am a Witch. Deal With It!
• You call her mother nature, I call her Goddess.
Field Guide to Pagans
1. BRIGHT EYED NOVICE.
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's _goddesses_ and gods, and they meet outside, in nature, instead of in some scary old building, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is widdershins and which is deosil. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame").
2. I REMEMBER WOODSTOCK.
Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped with Kerry Wendell Thornley? Or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. I was pretty loaded. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people who had one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've read about.
3. TREEHUGGING NATURE SPIRIT.
Prize possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no eco-exploitative garments, no animal tested cosmetics, no cigarette smoke, no drugs, no TV, no car, no corporations, yet very tolerant.
4. ANAL-RETENTIVE CEREMONIAL.
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is trying to learn how to speak Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals." Has a web site that is all in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Dresses according to planetary coordinates, or according to what Mom finds on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. WOMYNCENTRIC GYNOCRAT.
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three months purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full moon club.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes, just the right size for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. IS THIS WHERE THE BIG, SMART WOMEN HANG OUT?
Oh, they're so nice. All that warm, round, sex positive flesh . . . and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms . . . pant, drool.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Will recite love poetry to you under the full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's _goddesses_ and gods, and they meet outside, in nature, instead of in some scary old building, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is widdershins and which is deosil. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame").
2. I REMEMBER WOODSTOCK.
Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped with Kerry Wendell Thornley? Or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. I was pretty loaded. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people who had one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've read about.
3. TREEHUGGING NATURE SPIRIT.
Prize possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no eco-exploitative garments, no animal tested cosmetics, no cigarette smoke, no drugs, no TV, no car, no corporations, yet very tolerant.
4. ANAL-RETENTIVE CEREMONIAL.
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is trying to learn how to speak Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals." Has a web site that is all in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Dresses according to planetary coordinates, or according to what Mom finds on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. WOMYNCENTRIC GYNOCRAT.
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three months purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full moon club.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes, just the right size for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. IS THIS WHERE THE BIG, SMART WOMEN HANG OUT?
Oh, they're so nice. All that warm, round, sex positive flesh . . . and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms . . . pant, drool.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Will recite love poetry to you under the full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
Tequila Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.. Beat again. At this point it's
best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup, just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for
tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't
forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Jose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.. Beat again. At this point it's
best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup, just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for
tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't
forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Jose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Wow - it's really love
What does Love mean?
A group of professionals posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
A group of professionals posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
Ever Notice
- how all of women's problems start with MEN?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy..
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy..
I am so happy
After a bad day this is certainly a good fix!
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS
Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What ...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone !
(and God love that pig)
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What ...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone !
(and God love that pig)
LOL
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tannish, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand
I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...
Wazzup! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tannish, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand
I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...
Wazzup! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!
A Mother's Worst
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Happy Periods
AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.
- - - -
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will
adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As
brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri
pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while
in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body
and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed
on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself
in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to
take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
- - - -
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will
adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As
brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri
pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while
in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body
and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed
on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself
in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to
take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Sex Frogs
A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens.
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So the blonde calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly:
"Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this just one more time!"
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens.
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So the blonde calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly:
"Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this just one more time!"
Maxine Wisdom
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like me to solve today?
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like me to solve today?
Forrest Goes to Heaven
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions.”
What days of the week begin with the letter T?
How many seconds are there in a year?
What is God’s first name?
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one—how many days in the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.
“How about the next one?” asks St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”
“Now, that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest says, “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…”
“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter, “I see where you’re going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too. Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”
Forrest replied, “Andy.”
“OK, OK,” said a frustrated St. Peter, “I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learned it from the song: ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN…”
St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions.”
What days of the week begin with the letter T?
How many seconds are there in a year?
What is God’s first name?
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one—how many days in the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.
“How about the next one?” asks St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”
“Now, that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest says, “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…”
“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter, “I see where you’re going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too. Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”
Forrest replied, “Andy.”
“OK, OK,” said a frustrated St. Peter, “I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learned it from the song: ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN…”
3 Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”
You’re gonna hate me for this…
Hold on to your seat…
The third piggy says—
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home.’”
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”
You’re gonna hate me for this…
Hold on to your seat…
The third piggy says—
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home.’”
Say what?
The best one I've ever seen was in Ft Lauderdale FL - Keep taking my name in vain - I'll make rush hour longer - God. Truly wish now that I had snapped a picture of it.
Nine words women use ...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU !
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU !
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.
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