But while poking around on the internet today - I found some truly wonderful examples of resignation letters.
Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Yours,
Dear G,
After today's team building meeting, I find myself unable to take this company seriously any longer. I'm afraid I can't take being strategised, reorganised, empowered or re-engineered any more.
The fact there are now more 19 year old consultants in new suits running around with questionnaires than there are staff in our rapidly shrinking department, might be considered by some to be a bad sign. But not by our clueless management, whose inane directives and a seemingly limitless ability to patronise, demotivated and pass the buck, has made the department what it is today. Will you please stop trying to manage from the colour supplements of the Sunday papers? Each Monday I've dreaded another 'fad' directive/ strategy/ initiative from on high. You scatter your conflicting ideas throughout the organisation like the seeds of a mad gardener. Hoping vainly that some of them will sprout, miraculously save the company and with it your miserable hides.
Maybe I'm just not a "team player", but I feel it's time to "self-outsource" to another organisation.
Yours in exasperation,
P.S. Sorry I didn't address this letter correctly, but I didn't receive the organisational chart for this week.
Dear BM
Per our employee handbook, I am giving two weeks notice of my resignation. You will probably notice that I am not the first person to jump off this ship before it sinks. Perhaps my leaving will save the company enough money to purchase new mixers and replace the ones which were purchased when the company was started in the late 40s.
But, I know that you won't approve of that sort of expenditure, not with your overarching effort to reduce costs. Miraculously, you haven't had any layoffs in a couple of years, but that is probably because you are running on the bare minimum of staff anyway, and have made such haphazard attempts at upgrading computer and manufacturing equipment that no one in the office has the same version of MS Word and the mixers are probably held together with duct tape and spit wads, which I'm sure would interest the FDA. As would the mould growing on the ceiling above the tea kettle, but I'm sure you'll manage to strip clean that before their next visit anyway.
In any case, I wanted you to know that I'm not leaving because of the mistake on my holiday bonus last year, or the fact that I can't read half the document attachments that come in my email because I'm still on Word 95. No, I am leaving because you clearly do not believe that this company is worth the investment of good, well-running equipment for either your office or manufacturing staff. And if its not worth your investment, sir, it is not worth my investment, either, and I am certainly not going to waste 40 of the best hours of my week on a bad investment. Good day.
Dear M
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No.
I quit.
Dear Mr. XXXXXX,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Here's to hoping your day was better than mine
No comments :
Post a Comment