Look, I'm sorry you are a moron, a dick, a tweedle, a stinky slithery slytherian. I just honestly wish you would quit calling me. No I don't want to stay on the phone while you hack out a lung, jack off, or try to figure out what you are saying. 

When you pick up the phone to make a call, the very 1st thing you should do: Check the time. If it is 3am trust me ain't no doctor's office, real estate company, or really most other companies gonna be open so you can get your birth controlled refilled, schedule an appointment, yell at someone because the heater that got fixed 10 years ago just broke and while I am answering the phones, trust me I don't care. 

2nd thing: Make sure you empty your mouth. What that means is no food or beverage should be entering your hole while you are waiting for the phone to be answered or at any other time during the call. 

3rd: Make sure you know why you are calling. Some of the questions I ask; is this an emergency, do you need to speak with a technician tonight or can this wait for the office to open, what is your address, may I have your phone number, what is your child's date of birth & hell I might even go wild and ask for the patient's name. Get this shit together BEFORE you place your call.

4th: If it is a bad connection or you know you are calling from a crappy phone - don't get pissy when I ask for your name for the third freaking time. Trust me, I want off this phone just as much as you do.


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