Story of My Life

Wow, let's see, someone asked me about the story of my life & since I shared it with them, I decided to sit down and try to tackle something similar for my blog. After all, this is where I share some of the most important things to me, so why not?

Dad was military, while Mom was a SAHMW (stay at home military wife). My parents were married 10 years before I came along. My dad's co-workers used to tease him that he had to find the right technical manual before he accomplished the job of knocking up the wife. I was born in Ft Meade Maryland. Eventually, Dad's military career took him back to Ft Bragg, but in the mean time, I lived in Maryland & Kentucky.

Just 2.5 years later, I got a sister for an early Valentine's Day present and immediately wanted to put her back. She screamed (no, not cried) screamed for the first 6 months of her life. She hurt my ears constantly. And I'm pretty sure she is why I'm partially deaf.

We lived a pretty regular military life, by the time I was school age, my parents had been settled in at Ft Bragg for a couple of years. We actually lived in trailer near my Mom's parents and then when the Big House was built, we moved in there.

Dad went overseas a couple of times, but stayed in Fayetteville. Surrounded by my mother's family.

Our childhood was a magical one. We spent days, weeks, sometimes even months camping. Either in the yard, at the beach, the mountains or TRA. Most of the time we had at least one cousin with us, but it was often all of "our generation" of cousins. That means it was my mom & 6-7 kids. Oh the stories that we still tell to this day.

The summer I turned 8, we went camping down at the beach in a popup camper and one of my cousins literally slipped through the latches that keep the canvas "tent" attached to the frame. She just slid right on through the tiniest little hole. Luckily, when she woke up on the ground, she went around to the door and knocked on it. That same trip, my Mom sent me to get cube ice from the machine at the top of the hill. Well what we didn't know was that the cube ice was actually a block of ice. I froze my belly trying to get that great big block back to the camper, until some guy took pity on me & carried it the rest of the way.

Another summer, we took a tour of part of the continental USA. My Dad took block leave, loaded us up in the RV, and we saw the sights. We drove from NC all around Kansas (lit*er*al*ly all around the state never crossed into it). We saw bison in Yellowstone National park, carhenge, and every stinking sulfur hole, Kanob UT. However, Dad skipped some of the big ticket things my sister & I wanted to see. Like Custer's Last Stand. It was amazingly exciting and extremely boring all at the same time.

I'm not trying to act like I had the perfect childhood either. I was sexually abused and I think that rewired my head. Because to me, it felt good and that was a bad thing. I will honestly say that I never really fit in with my family. It's like they are from Mars & Venus, but I'm from Pluto. I have taken to saying I'm a theater kid in a Stepford Family. They are all Christian based with very narrow views of the world, while I'm all about seeing the new, interesting, and magical in life. Everything from my political views to my concept of relationships to my views on almost every major topic to my chosen religion is totes different from theirs, so I got sent to a shrink for several years. But I couldn't deal with being told that I was the problem, if I would just conform to their ideal of the perfect child (ie my sister) everything would be fine. It's not like I was a bad kid, I got straight A's and didn't really wanna go out partying or acting like a fool, I just didn't think sex was a big deal. To me it was a very enjoyable activity, but my mother & sister disagreed.

I graduated high school in '91, and got married in '92 just to get out of the house. I know this was the worst mistake of my life, but I'm very happy to say that I didn't compound it by getting pregnant and having a child with him. After a ton of physical, emotional, and mental abuse, I left in '94. Went back to college and started my life all over again. But I had massive problems dating anyone, because my fear of men went deeper than anyone knew. I was terrified of being used that way again. Of course, my parents didn't see the need to send me to see anyone because it fit their ideas for the perfect daughter.

I got into the local BBS scene and through those connections I was able to find people who thought like me, and worshiped like me, and well basically were like me. This is about the time when I realized that the "issues" I had were actually a problem with the chemistry in my brain. Do you know how I longed to find out that the problem was not the problem, but the solution to the problem was fucking simple? Do you? DO YOU?

So then I went through a long term partial long distance move your ass out of state (to FL) relationship. It didn't last. He was too laid back and I was uber hyper. So I moved back to NC. And pittered around for a couple of years. While not doing much, I worked as a clerk in a bookstore, a shipping clerk, and in a grocery store. I didn't want to be tied down in any way shape or form.

I found myself in a very bad place. I didn't know what I was gonna do with the rest of my life. I was bored. When bored I make very very bad decisions.

To Be Continued...

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