Tuning into Your Inner Buddy

Tuning into Your Inner Buddy

Gotta hand it to the Oprah Life Classes – I’m having a blast using the website to further myself. I was using the exercises to help locate that innocent little voice.

1) WWBD: I am conflicted on my relationship with Bunny.
a. Take a break and recenter
b. Relax and let my true feelings show
c. Would hold my feelings in the highest regard
2) Nightmare Board/Wisdom Board
a. Create a nightmare vision board
b. Create a positive board dealing with the same issue
c. Shred or Burn the nightmare board
3) Vocab Rehab – Take 10 mins and write a description of your life (don’t judge, just write) – go over your description & locate all negative words and transform them into positivity.

My current life is one of great personal conflictmany choices. I am not happy with where I am at but I feel incapablein control of making the changes that I need at this time. I am in a relationship that does not bring me happiness or peace but has the potential to be everything that I’ve ever wanted in a partner. I have failed to maintain my personal health goals & constantly choose “comfort” foods over healthy foods. I am a fat unhealthy bag of emotional destitute craving redemption Goddess worthy of love and devotion. Why do I get the feeling that this journal entry will not make it onto my blog. I’m just kinda trashing myself but that is what I feeling at the moment. I couldn’t get into Halloween my most favorite holiday – I’m not feeling the fall spirit – I’m afraid that my Scroogish Father & Grumpy BF will taint my feelings towards Christmas this year. I don’t know what to do about anything. Because I work at night & technically I am off during the day (should be sleeping ya know) my Dad seems to feel that I can take all the GM care off his shoulders and while I do not really care one way or the other – I feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of. No one ever says thank you or good job. Not in my personal life, not in my professional life, no where. A simple thank you would make me feel so much better about things. That is why I started making Lucas’ lunch boxes – I figured I would get a thank you from him, but I don’t.

Oh shit I just realized that I’m not going to have my sister here for Black Friday sales – that sucks ass and on that note I can’t do 10 mins – my brain won’t focus.

Your Life Speaks To You In A Whisper

Points from the class:

• I need to learn to listen to myself
  
• Inner wisdom comes from stillness
  
• Focus on your inner buddy
  

What's the whisper you've been hearing for a while? You need to make yourself happy first
What will you do about it now? Sleep first and then work on changing myself

Further exploration:

1. What signals does your life use to lead you toward good decisions? I have not been listening to myself so I do not know
   
2. What makes it hard to pay attention to the whispers? The screaming from every one else
   What's distracting you? Mom, Dad, GM, GP, Bunny
   
3. Is there anyone in your life who causes you to doubt yourself? See above list
   
4. Do you have a "top five problems" list of issues that come up over and over again?
   
   • Letting my good nature override my intelligence and trying to help those who will not help themselves
     
   • Clutter over runs my home life
     
   • Inability to sleep, to shut my brain off
     
   • Intelligence difference between myself & anyone else nearby
     
   • Saying yes when I would rather say no
   
   

Joy Rising (Again LOL)

What's the one thing you know for sure about joy?
That you find it in the smallest little things as well as the big things

Further exploration:

1. What would you like to do that you don't have time to do now? I would like to bake and cook.
   
2. What would you do if you had infinite time? I would sleep for a week and then I would take time for myself – long long hot bath, then meditation and just follow my joy. Can you begin do it in small ways right away? Yes – I can go to bed earlier
   
3. Can you list 50 things that brought you joy today, from the smallest (a breath, a smile) to the biggest (your family, your home)?
   
   1. The smell of shake & bake chicken
      
   2. Making fish PB&J for Lucas’ bento
      
   3. Check those Tarot cards one more time
      
   4. Internet classes
      
   5. Facebook friends commenting on status messages
      
   6. Coffee and cream
      
   7. Warning: Witch With Attitude
      
   8. Hot pink jump drive
      
   9. Tinkerbell
      
   10. 
       
   11. 
       
   12. 
       
   13. 
       
   14. Videos on my phone
       
   15. Bento Blogging
       
   16. Family French Toast
       
   17. Text message chats
       
   18. Glow bracelets
       
   19. Broom pens
       
   20. Charger cords that fit multiple items
       
   21. Snap
       
   22. Seeing my friends
       
   23. Hearing thank you for dinner
       
   24. Planning future Bento boxes
       
   25. Cookie cutters
       
   26. My mom
       
   27. Farmville
       
   28. Dark roasted rich coffee
       
   29. Bento box meals
       
   30. The color black
       
   31. NCIS Abby!!!
       
   32. My Crazy Cousins
       
   33. Chocolate ice cream
       
   34. My silver Honda CRV
       
   35. Rikku
       
       
   36. Green Tea
       
   37. Eve Duncan
       
   38. Portable DVD player
       
   39. You laugh at me because I’m different I laugh at you because you’re all the same
       
   40. Apple Spice & Delight Febreeze
       
   41. Singing out loud to iPod
       
   42. Time clock beeps
       
   43. Taking a lunch nap
       
   44. Calendar on my HTC Inspire
       
   45. My Family
       
   46. Long yoga pants
       
   47. Reading blogs
       
   48. Glitter
       
   49. Making my Christmas list
       
   50. NCIS – I love love love Gibbs
       
   
   
4. What can you do to bring joy to someone else today? I made Lucas a Fish bento box
   

You're Responsible for Your Life

Points from the class:

• Stop negative thinking
  
• Find your sentence
  

Where are you waiting for someone else to create what you long for? I was waiting for my husband (now ex) to return to the man he used to be.

Further exploration:

1. If the person you admire most advised you about your life, what advice would he or she give? be yourself and move forward
   
2. What small thing could you do today to improve:
   your home Create an organizational system
   your job Create a schedule
   your health Create a schedule
   your relationship Sit down & talk with him
   
3. What energy are you putting out? What attitude or actions are showing others who you are—is it the person who want to be? I am putting energy into everyone else & portraying myself as being a second class citizen
   
4. Where are you giving people power over your life and choices? I give my power to everyone because I do not know how to say no
   

When You Know Better

Points from the class:

• Make sure you apologize to yourself first
  
• Declutter is a start to making better choices
  

What do you know better today than you did a year ago? That I can be alone and be happy

Further exploration:

1. Have you had a key “know better, do better” moment? Not recently
   
2. Where are you condemning yourself for not doing better when you truly didn’t know better? Not really condemning myself for anything
   
3. What can you do now that would help you forgive yourself? Deep breathing exercises
   
4. If you could have a second chance at your life what would do? Graduate college
   How would you live differently? I would have kept my healthy life style choices when I made them at 16

Aging Beautifully

Points from the class:

• Find a position you enjoy looking at yourself
  
• Yoga is beneficial to my aging process
  

What’s the best thing about the age you are now? I have the freedom to be me
And the hardest? Figuring out who I am now

Further exploration:

1. Write a brief description of yourself at the age you are now. I am a child free wild spirit that is on the path to extreme happiness.
   
2. Where are you judging yourself according to what others may think about you? I judge myself based upon outside influence when I’m thinking about my weight & the fact that I do not have children
   
3. Do you have a number in your mind of the age when attractiveness ends? Nope – my grandmother is 101 and she is still beautiful.
   
4. Are you lying about your age? Why? Nope – I’m very honest about my age.
   

Who You Were Meant To Be

Points from the class:

• Take a break from your usual roles
  
• I figured out I am afraid of change
  
• Listen to your soul
  

Main Question:
When you connect with the place of stillness at your core, what do you feel you’re meant to do with your life? Happy

Further exploration:

1. What activity makes you forget what time it is? Reading/Writing
   
2. What held your attention when you were a child and no one was structuring your time? Reading
   
3. A sense of purpose, of being needed by those in the larger world who have no advocate, can point you toward your calling. Whose pain do you long to ease? My father’s
   
4. Do you have regrets about some of the things you have done? I regret not completing some of the things I started
   

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.

What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.

Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Join-ing a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

Take The Test

Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description, and see what rings most true.

My Scores

• STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS ~ You scored: 19
  You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.
  What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.
  Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.
  
• STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE ~ You scored: 19
  You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.
  What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.
  Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Join-ing a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.
  
• STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL ~ You scored: 18
  You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.
  What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.
  Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.

Joy Rising

Points from the class:

• Build fun into your schedule
  
• I need to find my aha moment
  
• I am a better giver than receiver
  

Main Questions:
What brings you joy? Lucas’ giggle
What steals your joy? Snarky comments

Further exploration:

1. What is the smallest joy you had today? Eating a caramel
   
2. What’s one good thing you have to share with someone else? Nightmare Before Christmas
   
3. When was the last time you felt pure joy – with no guilt? Describe that moment. How can you have more of that?
   
4. When was the last time you were surprised by joy? I have forgotten
   

The Truth Will Set You Free

Before I can use this class I have to figure out what truth I want in my life.

Points from the class:

• If you in any way are keeping a secret or pretending to be something that you are not, you will never ever become all you can be.
  
• Keeping secrets are a waste of time for your body, your soul and your life.
  
• Your life doesn’t have to be what everybody else thinks it should be.
  
• Change your perception and see your life differently. Turn it around for yourself. Change your life.
  
• Be 100% completely yourself. You can do it too and choose to live your best life.
  

Main Question:
What secret are you sick of keeping? When are you going to free yourself by telling it?
I’m tired of keeping my feelings secret & hidden. I want to be able to scream & yell & cry when I’m upset. I don’t know when I’ll be brave enough to be honest with myself & my loved ones.

Further exploration:

1. How have the secrets you’ve been hiding impacted your life? I constantly block myself from being happy.
   
2. If people really knew who you were, how do you think they would feel about you? I don’t know – I know that some of my “friends” would see my need to submit to a man to be abnormal, but I want that type of relationship.
   
3. What is present in your life that’s absolutely intolerable? A better question would be what’s not intolerable, but mostly my house – it’s crowded and dirty and has ants. Also, my relationship with my boyfriend, I would really like him to step up on the domination factor.
   
4. Have you ever told a secret you were afraid to reveal? Yes, I told my mother that I was molested by a friend’s step father.What were the consequences? She accused me of lying. Did you find people who accepted you? Not yet – I have not ever told anyone else.
   

You Become What You Believe

Yay – this is my favorite word!!! I even have it tattooed on my wrist.

But I don’t really use it like I should. I’ve stopped decorating with it, and using it in every aspect of my life. I’ve let my insecurities lead me astray & I’ve stopped believing in the fairy tale come true. Speak it to see it.

Points from the class:

• To find your purpose – pay attention the the life you are leading now.
  
• You are worthy of happiness, love and peace. Believe it.
  
• Believe it to be true…and so it shall be.

Main Question
How would you fill in these blanks? The one thing I wished I had become is _____. The one thing I will become is _____. The one thing I wish I had become is a college graduate and the one thing I will become is happy.

Further exploration:

1. Think of something you wish to make happen and in your mind create a concrete symbol to represent that wish coming true. I need to use my visualization board again.
   
2. What is the feeling in your body as you imagine this wish coming true? Peace & joy
   
3. When has a negative statement called forth a strong feeling in you that said, “No, this person is wrong. I am meant to succeed?” When Frog said I was nothing more than a useless fat bitch.
   
4. Are your actions in alignment with what you say you want in life? Some days yes – other days no.
   

Letting Go of Anger

Considering the fact that I just discovered that “I” am the sole reason that I am unhappy, I am actually looking forward to discovering more about myself. But any way you were wronged—badly wronged. (At some point, haven't we all been?) But holding on to that rage means allowing the past to define your present.

Points from the second class:

• Revenge or thinking that you deserve something more than someone else is the ego at work and when this happens, you are not living from your true self.
  
• Holding onto anger can set you back from living the life you were meant to live.
  
• Releasing anger allows beauty to come back into your life.

Main Question:
What is holding you back right now? I had to put a lot of thought into this question & it finally dawned on me that I was holding myself back. Just as I discovered that I make myself unhappy by waiting “for the other shoe to drop” I make myself angry by trying to control that which I can not. I know how to ask for what I want, it’s just I choose to remain silent and then seethe because my needs were not met.

Further exploration:

1. Look within yourself for anything from rage to slight annoyance. What’s the object of your anger? I believed all the lies that you told me and that makes me angry. But my anger is not directed entirely at you – I am mad at myself for being so gullible. Don’t get me wrong – I despise you and what you did to me, but not as much as I feel betrayed by my own sense of self.
   
2. Thinking about the anger you’ve just noted, see if the underlying cause of the anger is fear. If you can find a fear, write it down. I am now fearful in every aspect of my life – I don’t want to trust anyone again. Not even myself.
   
3. Is there something you lost – or never had – that has created a wound or sorrow? I lost my sense of self trust.
   
4. If fear and sorrow were absent, there would be no anger. What act of courage might help you defeat your fear? Learning to trust myself again.
   

What I need to keep in mind? “You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them."

False Power of Ego

Well I signed up for the Oprah Life Class over at Oprah’s very own site.

Points that struck home with me:

• “You can’t begin to love yourself or even be true to yourself unless you know who you are separate from your ego.” This is so closely tied into RuPaul quote “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?" it’s not even funny & I thought I was doing okay with that one, but evidently my ego was clouding my reality.
• The ego is never satisfied and feeds itself on wanting.
  
• You alone are enough.

The main questions were:

1. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be–and why? If I could change anything about my life it would be my senior year of high school. During the summer between my junior & senior years I had gotten on a healthy eating plan by eliminating all processed carbs with the help of my mother. I had lost a lot of weight but the best thing was how healthy I felt, I felt alive, but I let my defeatist thinking get the best of me and I started dosing myself with sugar and flour causing the weight to zoom back on and setting myself up for a life long battle.
   
2. Where does your ego get in your way? My ego gets in the way because it says “oh one piece of candy didn’t hurt – have another”. It sabotages me constantly – body, mind, & spirit.

So now my quest becomes how I can find my body, mind & spirit if ego keeps sabotaging me. And using the “explore this topic further” questions/comments maybe I can find the pathway back to myself.

1. What is the one thing you most identify yourself with? (looks/job/family) I use my family most of the time when I identify myself.
2. What role do you play?
   • At home – I am the caretaker
   • At work – I am the back bone
   • In the world – I am the dependable one
   
   
3. How do you think others see you? How many of your choices are made to maintain this image? I think others see me as the person they can take advantage of. I use almost all of my energy in life to maintain my good girl image and do everything I can for anyone who asks. All of my choices are designed to enhance that image. And where does that good girl image come from one my ask, my good girl southern upbringing. I am a praise junkie – I enjoy hearing the words thank you & beautiful job.
   
4. What choices have you made that are genuine expressions of who you are and in alignment with what you want from life? I don’t think I’ve ever made a choice for myself.