Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.
Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.
Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."
Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.
Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.
Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.
Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.
Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Love Doesn't Have to Hurt
Finding help from domestic abuse
“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times…” The opening line of Charles Dickens’ novel A Tale of Two Cities is how my friend Anna used to describe her relationship with her live-in boyfriend Mark. “When things are good, they’re amazing!” she said. “But when they’re bad, they’re brutal.” It wasn’t just that Anna and Mark fought often, it was the fact that when Mark got angry, he was also violent. Anna kept this fact hidden for a long time, ashamed that she was the one to provoke him - that in some way, his hitting her was her fault. The last time I saw Anna she couldn’t hide this anymore; she was wearing a scarf around her neck to cover the bruises where Mark had tried to strangle her.
As you’ve heard by now, domestic violence can happen to anyone—even Rihanna. How Chris Brown could even think to hit his girl, is beyond me. Anger should never reach the level where it gets physical. The fact that he made threats to kill her, too, cannot be taken back. Chris Brown is just like every other punk who thinks it’s ok to hurt the person he claims to love, he’s a liar. Abuse isn’t love.
Each year, 5.3 million women are the victims of domestic abuse, and 1,232 of those women will lose their lives because of it. Living with an abuser makes it harder to leave because you have to leave everything - but it’s not impossible. Since its inception in 1996, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has helped two million families across the United States and in Puerto Rico. Each day, NDVH receives over 600 calls from people who are being abused, or who know someone who is. By making a donation to the organization or volunteering to take calls, you can help support victims of abuse and save lives.
When I told Anna that what Mark was doing to her was abuse, that he could seriously hurt her and even kill her, she looked at me as if I was being dramatic. “I’m not going to call the cops on him,” she said. “We might still be able to work things out.” But I knew that they couldn’t and that they shouldn’t. This was the second time he’d injured her. The first time, Mark hit Anna so hard she couldn’t stop her ear from ringing, affecting her balance and causing her to fall every time she tried to stand. Mark wasn’t going to change, but Anna could change her situation. She could leave him, I told her. She could stay with me, or go to a safe house in town. At the safe house Mark couldn’t find her, most of all he couldn’t harm her.
By calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a victim of abuse can be connected with resources in their area, specifically a safe house. “Emergency shelter is a safe and nurturing environment a place to heal, to regain your sense of self, and to learn to create a life free of violence and abuse,” says NDVH. “Emergency Shelter is available to women for whom safety and confidentiality is necessary.” Safe houses are also a great resource for battered women who need a place for their children to be protected from abuse as well.
“Everyone has heard the songs about how much love can hurt. But that doesn't mean physical harm: Someone who loves you should never abuse you,” says Michelle New, PhD. “Abuse has no place in love.” I wish Anna could have realized this before she went back home to Mark that night.
If you are being abused, or know someone who is, please get help.
National Domestic Violence 24 Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Protect Yourself Online From Your Attacker: Internet Safety
Make A Safety Plan To Get Out Immediately
“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times…” The opening line of Charles Dickens’ novel A Tale of Two Cities is how my friend Anna used to describe her relationship with her live-in boyfriend Mark. “When things are good, they’re amazing!” she said. “But when they’re bad, they’re brutal.” It wasn’t just that Anna and Mark fought often, it was the fact that when Mark got angry, he was also violent. Anna kept this fact hidden for a long time, ashamed that she was the one to provoke him - that in some way, his hitting her was her fault. The last time I saw Anna she couldn’t hide this anymore; she was wearing a scarf around her neck to cover the bruises where Mark had tried to strangle her.
As you’ve heard by now, domestic violence can happen to anyone—even Rihanna. How Chris Brown could even think to hit his girl, is beyond me. Anger should never reach the level where it gets physical. The fact that he made threats to kill her, too, cannot be taken back. Chris Brown is just like every other punk who thinks it’s ok to hurt the person he claims to love, he’s a liar. Abuse isn’t love.
Each year, 5.3 million women are the victims of domestic abuse, and 1,232 of those women will lose their lives because of it. Living with an abuser makes it harder to leave because you have to leave everything - but it’s not impossible. Since its inception in 1996, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has helped two million families across the United States and in Puerto Rico. Each day, NDVH receives over 600 calls from people who are being abused, or who know someone who is. By making a donation to the organization or volunteering to take calls, you can help support victims of abuse and save lives.
When I told Anna that what Mark was doing to her was abuse, that he could seriously hurt her and even kill her, she looked at me as if I was being dramatic. “I’m not going to call the cops on him,” she said. “We might still be able to work things out.” But I knew that they couldn’t and that they shouldn’t. This was the second time he’d injured her. The first time, Mark hit Anna so hard she couldn’t stop her ear from ringing, affecting her balance and causing her to fall every time she tried to stand. Mark wasn’t going to change, but Anna could change her situation. She could leave him, I told her. She could stay with me, or go to a safe house in town. At the safe house Mark couldn’t find her, most of all he couldn’t harm her.
By calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a victim of abuse can be connected with resources in their area, specifically a safe house. “Emergency shelter is a safe and nurturing environment a place to heal, to regain your sense of self, and to learn to create a life free of violence and abuse,” says NDVH. “Emergency Shelter is available to women for whom safety and confidentiality is necessary.” Safe houses are also a great resource for battered women who need a place for their children to be protected from abuse as well.
“Everyone has heard the songs about how much love can hurt. But that doesn't mean physical harm: Someone who loves you should never abuse you,” says Michelle New, PhD. “Abuse has no place in love.” I wish Anna could have realized this before she went back home to Mark that night.
If you are being abused, or know someone who is, please get help.
National Domestic Violence 24 Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Protect Yourself Online From Your Attacker: Internet Safety
Make A Safety Plan To Get Out Immediately
Step Back
Everyone I know is going through like major emotional issues - is mercury in retrograde???? Anyone???? Below is some advice that would be REALLY REALLY helpful if we could only follow it.
When we find ourselves in an argument, we may feel like we are losing control of emotions that have taken on lives of their own. When we can become aware that this is happening, taking a deep breath can help us step back from the situation. Once we can separate ourselves from the heat of the moment, we may find that the emotional trigger that began the argument has little to do with the present situation, but may have brought up feelings related to something else entirely. Looking honestly at what caused our reaction allows us to consciously respond more appropriately to the situation and make the best choices.
We can make an agreement with our partners and those closest to us that asking questions can help all of us discover the source of the argument. The shared awareness can result in finding simple solutions to something physical, like low blood sugar or even a hormonal surge. Maybe we are taking ourselves too seriously, and we can just laugh and watch the tension dissolve. We could also discover that perhaps we are addicted to the excitement that drama brings and the chemicals that our body creates when we are angry. But there may be a deeper issue that requires discussion, understanding, and patience. The more we allow ourselves to step back and examine our reasons for arguing, the easier it becomes to allow real feelings to surface and guide us toward solutions that improve our lives.
When we can be clear about our feelings and intentions and communicate them clearly, we have a far better chance of getting what we want than if we lose control or allow our subconscious minds to manipulate the situation. We might take our frustrations out on the people closest to us because we feel safe and comfortable with them, but misplaced anger can cause more harm than good. Arguing for what we truly believe can empower us and help us to direct our passions toward greater life experiences. Truly knowing our reasons for arguing enables us to grow emotionally in ways that will affect our whole being.
Then again - when I try to use this advice to better myself & DH, all I get is the blame game - go figure!!
When we find ourselves in an argument, we may feel like we are losing control of emotions that have taken on lives of their own. When we can become aware that this is happening, taking a deep breath can help us step back from the situation. Once we can separate ourselves from the heat of the moment, we may find that the emotional trigger that began the argument has little to do with the present situation, but may have brought up feelings related to something else entirely. Looking honestly at what caused our reaction allows us to consciously respond more appropriately to the situation and make the best choices.
We can make an agreement with our partners and those closest to us that asking questions can help all of us discover the source of the argument. The shared awareness can result in finding simple solutions to something physical, like low blood sugar or even a hormonal surge. Maybe we are taking ourselves too seriously, and we can just laugh and watch the tension dissolve. We could also discover that perhaps we are addicted to the excitement that drama brings and the chemicals that our body creates when we are angry. But there may be a deeper issue that requires discussion, understanding, and patience. The more we allow ourselves to step back and examine our reasons for arguing, the easier it becomes to allow real feelings to surface and guide us toward solutions that improve our lives.
When we can be clear about our feelings and intentions and communicate them clearly, we have a far better chance of getting what we want than if we lose control or allow our subconscious minds to manipulate the situation. We might take our frustrations out on the people closest to us because we feel safe and comfortable with them, but misplaced anger can cause more harm than good. Arguing for what we truly believe can empower us and help us to direct our passions toward greater life experiences. Truly knowing our reasons for arguing enables us to grow emotionally in ways that will affect our whole being.
Then again - when I try to use this advice to better myself & DH, all I get is the blame game - go figure!!
Changing The Way We Relate
A relationship, in the truest sense of the word, means relating to another. Usually when we say that we relate to someone, it is because we’ve found common ground. But part of relating is finding ways to make ideas that seem different come together. So often when we choose relationships, we try to fit another person into our predetermined ideal. When they don’t fit perfectly, we may try to make them over, creating our own vision from the raw material they’ve brought. But unless someone asks for guidance and direction, entering into a relationship with someone we want to change is dishonest. Then our relationship becomes with someone we’ve imagined, and anytime our partner steps outside of that imaginary projection, we will be disappointed. An honest relationship is one in which we accept each other as whole individuals, and find a way to share our life experiences together. Then, whenever we want, we can choose as a couple to give the relationship a makeover by renewing the ! way we interact.
By wanting to give another person a makeover, we are basically saying we don’t accept them for who they are. If we take a moment to imagine the roles reversed, we can get a sense of how it would feel if our beloved only committed to us because they thought we were, or would become, someone else entirely. In such an environment, we are not relating to each other from a real place, and we are keeping ourselves from being able to learn and grow from the different viewpoints that our partners offer.
If we feel that a change is needed in our relationship, the only makeover that we truly have the power to make is on ourselves. By accepting our partners for exactly who they are—the ideal and the not-so-ideal—we will create an energetic shift in our relationships, and we may find ourselves really appreciating our partners for the first time. Working from within, we determine how we relate to the people and the world around us, and when we can accept it and embrace it all, without conditions, we make every act of relating a positive one.
By wanting to give another person a makeover, we are basically saying we don’t accept them for who they are. If we take a moment to imagine the roles reversed, we can get a sense of how it would feel if our beloved only committed to us because they thought we were, or would become, someone else entirely. In such an environment, we are not relating to each other from a real place, and we are keeping ourselves from being able to learn and grow from the different viewpoints that our partners offer.
If we feel that a change is needed in our relationship, the only makeover that we truly have the power to make is on ourselves. By accepting our partners for exactly who they are—the ideal and the not-so-ideal—we will create an energetic shift in our relationships, and we may find ourselves really appreciating our partners for the first time. Working from within, we determine how we relate to the people and the world around us, and when we can accept it and embrace it all, without conditions, we make every act of relating a positive one.
Relationship Sins
- Resentment - This is a poison that starts as something small (”He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and our partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
- Jealousy - It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it, I know. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, and turns into unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have problems with jealousy (like I once did), instead of trying to control them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in an incident or incidents in the past of your current relationship.
- Unrealistic expectations - Often we have an idea of what our partner should be like. We might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have expectations of our partner. Having some expectations is fine — we should expect our partner to be faithful, for example. But sometimes, without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high to meet. Our partner isn’t perfect — no one is. We can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect our partner to meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we must communicate clearly.
- Not making time - This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time. It can be done. I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.
- Lack of communication - This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too (see below for more).
- Not showing gratitude - Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things too. Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.
- Lack of affection - Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards a platonic status. That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing. Affection is important –everyone needs some of it, especially from someone we love. Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teen-agers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often.
- Stubbornness - This wasn’t on my original list but I just thought about it before publishing this post, and had to add it in. Every relationship will have problems and arguments — but it’s important that you learn to work out these problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. I’ve done all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up and put away my ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.
Forgiveness
I have found myself inspired to write on this topic on more than one occasion. All of us, at some point in our lives have felt the desperate inner turmoil and confusion that comes from feeling that we have been "wronged" or betrayed in some way. You fight to understand what is wrong with that person to have done such a thing, or to be such a way. You wonder what may be wrong with you …. Have I deserved such treatment? Am I just completely naïve? I am too trusting. I have loved too deeply, and now I am paying for it. The list of inner chatter goes on and on as we try to make sense of our lives.
Maybe the lack of forgiving per say is not your issue – maybe it’s that you have forgiven time and time again, only to continually set yourself up for victimization. Your sense of self -esteem, your sense of trust in yourself, your personal power has been chipped away – bit by bit.
As you well know, the consequences of that inner turmoil run quite deep. On one end of the spectrum your life can become filled with resentment, paranoia, or isolation. You may begin to with hold your true self from your family and friends – as a basic survival instinct, keeping yourself safe is the priority. On the other end of the spectrum- you may sense the undercurrent of hurt only arise at times – but none the less is like a rock under the carpet of your life…waiting to be tripped over and always unsettling.
Forgiveness – whether it be forgiving yourself or others – is a major piece of the puzzle as we look at the elements necessary to create a prosperous and abundant life. It is too often over looked as one of the blocks to your success. Why? Because we think that our feelings are justified when a wrong(s) has been done to you. When we are justified, nothing needs changing right? You SHOULD feel this way. Maybe.
Let me say that again… nothing needs changing - IF you are happy with how you feel inside. Nothing needs changing IF you are pleased with the amount of personal and financial abundance you presently experience. Nothing needs changing IF you feel that you are completely free.
What I want to make clear in this discussion is that, yes, you certainly are justified in feeling the way you do – always – whether we are talking about forgiveness or any other issue. Your feelings are always valid. They are always your experience. They are always right, and you have the right to choose how you will feel. You are at choice, and your choices work for you – they protect you. I am not here to tell you that your feelings are wrong – if you are like most you have already been wronged enough!
However, as it relates to your sense or experience of prosperity – forgiveness is a must. You need to know that the state that is created within you is not one that moves you toward peace and abundance in your life.
The consequences of that state mostly hurt you. Anger, inability to trust others, inappropriate setting of boundaries, perceived sense of righteousness, development of extreme or high expectations of self or others, inability to move toward intimacy, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression – just to name a few. All of which are states of fear, and the state of fear is the state of scarcity consciousness.
What I know to be true, is that our outer world is a direct reflection of our inner world. If you feel and live in a state of prosperity consciousness and love, your outer world will be an expression of many riches. If you live in scarcity consciousness, fear, and lack – that is what will manifest in your outer world. How has scarcity manifested in your own life? Think whole life – not just money.
Here is the hard part. HOW do I forgive? Although each person is different – here is Coach Lori’s basic recipe for forgiveness. And by that I mean true forgiveness – not the kind of forgiveness that you just pretend that you have forgiven and hope that enough time goes by you will be able to forget about it.
8 Principles of Forgiving (and Freeing Your Flow of Prosperity)
Know that forgiveness is a skill. You weren’t born unforgiving and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about where you are in your abilities to forgive at this point. Be good to yourself and honor where you are.
Start with a forgiveness inventory. Have you ever gone through the process of consciously forgiving? What worked for you? What didn’t? Think about who you need to forgive today. Start with your parents and go down the list. Ask yourself what you get out of keeping the pain, hurt or estrangement. Like it or not, there is a payoff. Journal about these things.
Become very clear about the fact that forgiveness is about moving from fear (scarcity consciousness) to love (prosperity consciousness). What do you think fear, anger and resentment can accomplish? What do you think love can accomplish? How does this resonate within you?
Accept the fact that you can not change others – only yourself. Within that, accept that you can change yourself at any moments time. Its called a "shift". Practice shifting into love and away from fear, resentment, and negativity. Note that when you practice or pretend it becomes easier in real life after awhile.
Know that forgiveness is not about minimizing your pain or others actions. It’s about a conscious choice to let go – it’s the absolution of past mistakes. It’s the absence of resentment, anger, blame, and judgement.
Design a forgiveness ritual – one that feels good to you. Burn a candle. Write unsent letters. Vent in writing, and literally put your feelings on the page. Process, process, process, with those who will listen and then choose to let it go, moving toward "lightness" and love. You are in charge of how much you will let yourself spin and vent. Keep perspective here. Know that your may have to go through your ritual more than once to have truly forgiven. If you think you have forgiven and you still feel anger, hurt or resentment, then you have not forgiven.
Know that you can not heal your OWN pain by refusing to forgive others. Honor yourself by starting to forgive and let go. It’s good for your body and soul. Come to understand that most of the time people are not out to intentionally hurt you - but it is usually about their own fears and issues, or perceptions of. It helps to…
See people for the perfect loving souls they are. We all have a perfect soul, and we choose to come here to learn from our mistakes and to learn to love. Forgiveness is just about learning to love. It’s the next major lesson in loving. Does this lesson keep popping up in your life? If so, take it as a sign that you still have more to learn.
Choosing forgiveness is the first step. You need not rush the process, for learning how to forgive and using that in your life is a key prosperity, peace, and spiritual growth.
Maybe the lack of forgiving per say is not your issue – maybe it’s that you have forgiven time and time again, only to continually set yourself up for victimization. Your sense of self -esteem, your sense of trust in yourself, your personal power has been chipped away – bit by bit.
As you well know, the consequences of that inner turmoil run quite deep. On one end of the spectrum your life can become filled with resentment, paranoia, or isolation. You may begin to with hold your true self from your family and friends – as a basic survival instinct, keeping yourself safe is the priority. On the other end of the spectrum- you may sense the undercurrent of hurt only arise at times – but none the less is like a rock under the carpet of your life…waiting to be tripped over and always unsettling.
Forgiveness – whether it be forgiving yourself or others – is a major piece of the puzzle as we look at the elements necessary to create a prosperous and abundant life. It is too often over looked as one of the blocks to your success. Why? Because we think that our feelings are justified when a wrong(s) has been done to you. When we are justified, nothing needs changing right? You SHOULD feel this way. Maybe.
Let me say that again… nothing needs changing - IF you are happy with how you feel inside. Nothing needs changing IF you are pleased with the amount of personal and financial abundance you presently experience. Nothing needs changing IF you feel that you are completely free.
What I want to make clear in this discussion is that, yes, you certainly are justified in feeling the way you do – always – whether we are talking about forgiveness or any other issue. Your feelings are always valid. They are always your experience. They are always right, and you have the right to choose how you will feel. You are at choice, and your choices work for you – they protect you. I am not here to tell you that your feelings are wrong – if you are like most you have already been wronged enough!
However, as it relates to your sense or experience of prosperity – forgiveness is a must. You need to know that the state that is created within you is not one that moves you toward peace and abundance in your life.
The consequences of that state mostly hurt you. Anger, inability to trust others, inappropriate setting of boundaries, perceived sense of righteousness, development of extreme or high expectations of self or others, inability to move toward intimacy, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression – just to name a few. All of which are states of fear, and the state of fear is the state of scarcity consciousness.
What I know to be true, is that our outer world is a direct reflection of our inner world. If you feel and live in a state of prosperity consciousness and love, your outer world will be an expression of many riches. If you live in scarcity consciousness, fear, and lack – that is what will manifest in your outer world. How has scarcity manifested in your own life? Think whole life – not just money.
Here is the hard part. HOW do I forgive? Although each person is different – here is Coach Lori’s basic recipe for forgiveness. And by that I mean true forgiveness – not the kind of forgiveness that you just pretend that you have forgiven and hope that enough time goes by you will be able to forget about it.
8 Principles of Forgiving (and Freeing Your Flow of Prosperity)
Know that forgiveness is a skill. You weren’t born unforgiving and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about where you are in your abilities to forgive at this point. Be good to yourself and honor where you are.
Start with a forgiveness inventory. Have you ever gone through the process of consciously forgiving? What worked for you? What didn’t? Think about who you need to forgive today. Start with your parents and go down the list. Ask yourself what you get out of keeping the pain, hurt or estrangement. Like it or not, there is a payoff. Journal about these things.
Become very clear about the fact that forgiveness is about moving from fear (scarcity consciousness) to love (prosperity consciousness). What do you think fear, anger and resentment can accomplish? What do you think love can accomplish? How does this resonate within you?
Accept the fact that you can not change others – only yourself. Within that, accept that you can change yourself at any moments time. Its called a "shift". Practice shifting into love and away from fear, resentment, and negativity. Note that when you practice or pretend it becomes easier in real life after awhile.
Know that forgiveness is not about minimizing your pain or others actions. It’s about a conscious choice to let go – it’s the absolution of past mistakes. It’s the absence of resentment, anger, blame, and judgement.
Design a forgiveness ritual – one that feels good to you. Burn a candle. Write unsent letters. Vent in writing, and literally put your feelings on the page. Process, process, process, with those who will listen and then choose to let it go, moving toward "lightness" and love. You are in charge of how much you will let yourself spin and vent. Keep perspective here. Know that your may have to go through your ritual more than once to have truly forgiven. If you think you have forgiven and you still feel anger, hurt or resentment, then you have not forgiven.
Know that you can not heal your OWN pain by refusing to forgive others. Honor yourself by starting to forgive and let go. It’s good for your body and soul. Come to understand that most of the time people are not out to intentionally hurt you - but it is usually about their own fears and issues, or perceptions of. It helps to…
See people for the perfect loving souls they are. We all have a perfect soul, and we choose to come here to learn from our mistakes and to learn to love. Forgiveness is just about learning to love. It’s the next major lesson in loving. Does this lesson keep popping up in your life? If so, take it as a sign that you still have more to learn.
Choosing forgiveness is the first step. You need not rush the process, for learning how to forgive and using that in your life is a key prosperity, peace, and spiritual growth.
Who You Hang With
"There are thousands of good reasons why magic doesn't rule the world. They're called Witches and Wizards." - Terry Pratchett
I am often asked to give advice about choosing a teacher or joining a circle. I'm a very practical Pagan so I tell newcomers that any Priest/ess worth the name will have their life more or less in balance.
As Pagans we understand "cause and effect" and we know that these laws operate on a holistic level. We pay attention to our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health because we know that imbalance in one area affects the entire system. As we are, so is our practice. Or as the TechnoWitches say: 'Garbage in, garbage out".
If you are looking for a teacher, you'll want to find someone who enjoys balance, and has the kind of life you someday wish to have. Look at their entire life, not just the bit you see presented at the full moon. If you are looking for a circle, you'll want to consider what sort of energy they project and attract. Ask yourself if you really wish to mix with that energy.
Here are some other things to consider when choosing a group or a teacher:
It's important to remember that some people come to Paganism wanting power; power they aren't ready to use, either fairly or well. If they achieve authority among us without having the wisdom to temper their use of power they will then go on to abuse others. If we allow this, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
I am often asked to give advice about choosing a teacher or joining a circle. I'm a very practical Pagan so I tell newcomers that any Priest/ess worth the name will have their life more or less in balance.
As Pagans we understand "cause and effect" and we know that these laws operate on a holistic level. We pay attention to our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health because we know that imbalance in one area affects the entire system. As we are, so is our practice. Or as the TechnoWitches say: 'Garbage in, garbage out".
If you are looking for a teacher, you'll want to find someone who enjoys balance, and has the kind of life you someday wish to have. Look at their entire life, not just the bit you see presented at the full moon. If you are looking for a circle, you'll want to consider what sort of energy they project and attract. Ask yourself if you really wish to mix with that energy.
Here are some other things to consider when choosing a group or a teacher:
- Is their life harmonious or do they live from crisis to crisis? If their life is in constant chaos, just how good do you think their magick is?
- Can they sustain healthy relationships? If their emotional life is burdened by resentments, betrayal, abuse, anger or codependency, then what will their relations with others in the group (or their chosen deities) be like?
- Can they handle money responsibly? If not, what can they teach you about abundance and prosperity? If the group works out of a perpetual "sense of lack" or if they fear the responsibility that abundance brings, what sort of energy will they attract? The issue here is not how much money a person makes, but how well they manage their resources.
- Are they secure in themselves or insecure? Can they share power appropriately or do they have too many control issues? Or, are they the helpless type? If so, they'll want someone to come to their rescue. If they refuse to address the issue of power honestly, the circle will remain unbalanced and out of tune.
- Are they responsible? Are they someone you can count on? If not, they could let everyone down at the worst possible moment. If they are the classic "flaky Pagan" they will be good at avoiding responsibility or they will get others to do the work for them. If you play this game, you are limiting their growth, and hurting yourself.
- Do they know how to nurture themselves? If not, they will eventually burn out from the Three Pagan Demons: Stress, Mess, and Excess. Since misery loves company, they might resent (or even sabotage) any attempts you make to become happier, healthier, and more balanced.
- Are they a source of negative or positive energy? If they whine, rage, play the victim/martyr, spread gossip, or complain all the time, you have your answer.
- Can they communicate well with others? Can they resolve conflicts with fairness and civility? If not, the circle could be rife with unspoken resentments, passive aggressive behavior, and negative energy.
- Do they have healthy personal boundaries and respect the boundaries of others? If not, the circle is at risk for sexual abuse, codependent enmeshment, and a host of other problems.
- Do they influence others for better or for worse? Look at their former students and circle members to see if they are actually better for knowing them. Have these people been challenged to change and grow? Are they more insightful, empowered, and happier as a result of their work together or are they stuck in place? Has their spiritual practice deepened and matured over time? If not, why not?
- Do they treat their practice with the respect it deserves? Check to see if their rituals are chronically late or ill prepared. If so, it is a sign of disrespect towards the circle members and the deities they serve. If your group puts up with this, they might need to do a little less magick, and lot more work on their self-esteem.
- Are they trustworthy? Don't rely solely on their claims; ask around. Pay less attention to what these people say and a lot more to what they actually do. Remember that trust is not given blindly. Trust must be earned.
- Are they conscious of their own emotional issues, and working to become healthier, overall? The truth is that we all have emotional burdens to bear. All we can ask of other human beings is that they become aware of their issues and do the necessary work to heal. However, it is not acceptable for circle mates or teachers to inflict their problems on other people. Offering mutual support to each other is a good thing. Asking you to carry their burdens for them is quite another. If they try to engage you in their drama and trauma, walk away.
- Are they Learners or Posers? Healthy Pagans are willing to learn from others and from their own mistakes. They know the crucial difference between making a mistake and being a mistake. They don't let their ego get in the way of learning. If they "miss the mark", they make amends, and move forward bearing new wisdom. Posers only care about looking good, and they love to blame others for their problems. Which sort of person will your God/ess respect?
- Are they creative? Can they help you to be more creative, as well? Or do they confuse being an artist with being immature? If so, they'll want to be the Artiste with "the vision" and have someone else do all the work.
- Do they know the difference between "deep play" and acting out? If not, your rituals will be a lot less about personal expression and divine inspiration, and a lot more like bad theatre.
- Are they compassionate and kind? If a Priest or Priestess isn't good to their kids or if they neglect any animals in their care, leave that circle immediately. (If you witness actual abuse contact the authorities on your way out the door. Ethically speaking, you may not leave another being in harm's way without trying to do something about it. Take spiritual and legal counsel, if necessary, and proceed with caution, but do the right thing. Who knows? You may have been sent there for just that reason.)
- Do they honor their word, their partner(s), and their friends? If not, they are asking for a karmic kick in the butt. Get out before that happens.
Trust your gut, and don't do things you aren't comfortable doing. Above all, use good judgment when you seek to learn.
It's important to remember that some people come to Paganism wanting power; power they aren't ready to use, either fairly or well. If they achieve authority among us without having the wisdom to temper their use of power they will then go on to abuse others. If we allow this, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
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